So many, many things have been changing lately. So much to try and wrap my head around. Apparently God has some hard and fast lessons for me to learn yet.
I learned one very quickly today.
I just don't even know where to begin, or the struggle that has been two years of the same emotions for the same guy that never ever amount to anything because I am gullible. I say it over and over and over again to all of my single friends...guard your heart. I say it so often to so many other people but I rarely take my own advice.
I need to do a better job at that. Guarding my heart. Making sure that I don't let the emotions I am feeling trump the truth of the actual situation. I let my heart lead when my brain is like, "HEY LADY! Don't go there!" My brain is smarter than my heart is. And I think it is a terrible idea to "follow your heart". The Bible even says it is deceitful, and who can know it (Jeremiah 17:9)? Why would I want to let my emotions lead me? Isn't that like setting yourself up for disappointment?
Yep. That's exactly what it does. The consequences of "following your heart" lead to unmet expectations, anger, resentment, and generally disappointment. Emotions are such fluid things. Finicky things. Deceptive things. They lead many astray, take the Truth of God and trade it in for a lie so that you can have one blissful moment and a lifetime to regret it.
Okay, not all emotion is bad. I am not saying that. I am saying, however, that you shouldn't base your understanding of Truth on emotion. You need to base Truth on, well, TRUTH. The Word of God. Be plugged in and ready to download what He says about relationships. Godly relationships that can stand the test of time and not sway with the wind. It is good to have feelings, but don't let those feelings dictate what is right or wrong in a situation. God's Word should dictate that, and when you are standing on the Solid Rock, right and wrong becomes as easy to identify as black and white.
Feeling and emotion based living leads you to gray areas that compromise your faith, your beliefs, your morals and your life. It's not real estate that I would buy and definitely not real estate I would even consider when someone else holds the keys to the shanty built on shifting sand.
If you find yourself in that situation, RUN IN THE OTHER DIRECTION.
I know, I write on this subject a lot. However, this is what is very really happening in my life right now. If I am going to invest my life into someone else's (a future spouse for instance), I want to know that his life is build on a rock. His house build on solid ground. His faith and love for God prominent in his life and more important than me. That he is consistent in how he addresses others, how he treats people, and that he is consistent when no one else is watching.
Steady. Stable. Grounded in the very Word of God.
That guy exists somewhere, right? I am praying for it.
Until then, guard my heart. Guard your heart. Don't sell yourself short. Don't settle because you don't think you can do any better. You are a daughter of the MOST HIGH KING. Don't you think your Father in Heaven has your best in mind? Don't you think He knows your future and knows who is in it? He has a plan. I know He does. Sometimes it is easier to believe that than other times, but He does have a good plan.
And when it happens, you will wonder why you ever cried over the wrong one. You will wonder why you wasted so much time on something that wasn't going to amount to anything.
Because that's what I did. And I am not doing that anymore. Just another thing that God wants full control of. I am glad to let Him deal with it. I am sick to death of worrying and crying and getting down on myself over someone who really could care less about me. God has a better plan and a better idea. It's time I ran with that.
God, it's Yours. I praise You for what You are doing and going to do. Amen.
19 April 2013
17 April 2013
It Happens In A Blink
Good evening, friends. What a day. The only word that I can use to describe it is...emotional.
Joppa is a young adult ministry that I have been an active part of for the past nine years. It is an amazing tool of God to reach the young adults of West Central Minnesota. I thought I would be a part of this ministry forever.
But God has another plan.
After being away from it for a month and a half, I went back last night. I was excited and a bit nervous. I wasn't sure what to expect really. I just knew that God had given me the go ahead to attend, so I went.
I was excited to be back...at first. As the night wore on, however, I started to feel this sense that I was not where I belonged. I sat way up in the back and looked down at the crazy, awesome young adults that make up this beloved ministry. And I am pretty sure I didn't hear a word of what the speaker said.
I was struggling because I knew something that I didn't want to voice because then I would have to accept one very real fact: that God was moving me on from Joppa. He was asking me to lay down something very precious to me. A place of refuge and family for me. He was asking me to walk away and trust Him.
As I sat there a million memories and the faces of nine years of Joppa people flooded my mind and I tried to stuff back down the tears that were starting to form. I had been praying and asking God for a month and a half what my future in this ministry was. I was finally getting an answer and it felt like I was getting sucker punched in the gut.
During prayer time, a friend of mine asked me, "so, are you glad to be back?" And that's when I let it all out. I told them that God had confirmed to me that indeed I was moving out of this season of Joppa. I expressed my fear of being forgotten once I was gone. I told them that I felt like Joppa had been this baby that I had nurtured and cared for and I was finally having to let it go and watch that kid go off to college and trust that God knew what He was doing. I was reassured that my community would still be there for me. I needed to hear that.
I knew. I was done. And then I went to Applebee's.
At first I couldn't find a seat, so I just stood behind people listening, taking it all in. Then I finally secured a position and let myself relax a little, listen to the conversation around me. Smiled at the laughter and just took a look around at this group of people that God had assembled. I said a silent prayer of thanks for Him allowing me the honor of being a part of this ministry for so long. I genuinely love these people. It makes my heart leap when I hear them talking about Jesus. When I hear them laughing with one another. When I see family being family in Christ.
The evening wore down, and after a few more people telling me they were glad I was back, I knew I needed to leave. I didn't have the heart to say I wouldn't be back. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Instead I said nothing, but politely smiled. A few goodbyes and I was walking out the door, knowing that life wouldn't really be the same again.
The most amazing thing about this is how much peace I have. I have been a wreck most of the day, but even through the emotions I have had deep peace. I sent a letter to the leadership team tendering my resignation from leadership. I practically balled as I wrote the thing.
I feel like I am grieving. So many things have happened lately and so much of my life feels like it is in this state of constant change. But this, this is a huge part of my life. Tuesday's will never really be the same and I know that life will move forward and all of these wonderful people will still be there, but the dynamic will be different.
And I will miss them. I already do. But I also know that I am excited for where He will take me. And now I get to be in ministry at my place of employment. I am so grateful that God led me to Central. So grateful. And He is calling me to really step into a ministry that helps these kids to really know Jesus. Not just know about Him, but to KNOW Him. When I got out of the van this morning and was maneuvering through the little stampede of kids playing Lightening on the basketball court, I knew that this is where I am needed. This is where I am suppose to be.
This is right where I belong. I am excited for what the future holds. I am excited to be able to share my faith with these students. To not only be their librarian, but to be someone they can talk to. Someone they can trust, because once upon a time back in 2004, someone did the same thing for me.
So, to my Joppa friends...thank you. Thank you for your friendship. I am blessed by you all and excited to see how God is going to grow these relationships in the future. It has been a stellar nine years, and there are many more in store for this ministry. I am so excited to see what God is going to do through the ministry and through all of you! I am excited to see who God calls into leadership. It is always a blessing to see someone realize their identity in Christ and find their full potential in Him. I will be praying continually for you all. Don't worry, I will still be around. You know how to find me. :)
As for His plans for me, I say bring it on. I am excited and blessed to start this new season of life.
Because honestly, I want to live my life with integrity knowing that I did everything I could possible do to bring Him honor and glory above all things. To God alone be the glory and power through everything.
I am ready, God. I am ready. I trust You. Let's do this.
"Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, “This is the way; walk in it.” -Isaiah 30:21 (NIV)
Joppa is a young adult ministry that I have been an active part of for the past nine years. It is an amazing tool of God to reach the young adults of West Central Minnesota. I thought I would be a part of this ministry forever.
But God has another plan.
After being away from it for a month and a half, I went back last night. I was excited and a bit nervous. I wasn't sure what to expect really. I just knew that God had given me the go ahead to attend, so I went.
I was excited to be back...at first. As the night wore on, however, I started to feel this sense that I was not where I belonged. I sat way up in the back and looked down at the crazy, awesome young adults that make up this beloved ministry. And I am pretty sure I didn't hear a word of what the speaker said.
I was struggling because I knew something that I didn't want to voice because then I would have to accept one very real fact: that God was moving me on from Joppa. He was asking me to lay down something very precious to me. A place of refuge and family for me. He was asking me to walk away and trust Him.
As I sat there a million memories and the faces of nine years of Joppa people flooded my mind and I tried to stuff back down the tears that were starting to form. I had been praying and asking God for a month and a half what my future in this ministry was. I was finally getting an answer and it felt like I was getting sucker punched in the gut.
During prayer time, a friend of mine asked me, "so, are you glad to be back?" And that's when I let it all out. I told them that God had confirmed to me that indeed I was moving out of this season of Joppa. I expressed my fear of being forgotten once I was gone. I told them that I felt like Joppa had been this baby that I had nurtured and cared for and I was finally having to let it go and watch that kid go off to college and trust that God knew what He was doing. I was reassured that my community would still be there for me. I needed to hear that.
I knew. I was done. And then I went to Applebee's.
At first I couldn't find a seat, so I just stood behind people listening, taking it all in. Then I finally secured a position and let myself relax a little, listen to the conversation around me. Smiled at the laughter and just took a look around at this group of people that God had assembled. I said a silent prayer of thanks for Him allowing me the honor of being a part of this ministry for so long. I genuinely love these people. It makes my heart leap when I hear them talking about Jesus. When I hear them laughing with one another. When I see family being family in Christ.
The evening wore down, and after a few more people telling me they were glad I was back, I knew I needed to leave. I didn't have the heart to say I wouldn't be back. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Instead I said nothing, but politely smiled. A few goodbyes and I was walking out the door, knowing that life wouldn't really be the same again.
The most amazing thing about this is how much peace I have. I have been a wreck most of the day, but even through the emotions I have had deep peace. I sent a letter to the leadership team tendering my resignation from leadership. I practically balled as I wrote the thing.
I feel like I am grieving. So many things have happened lately and so much of my life feels like it is in this state of constant change. But this, this is a huge part of my life. Tuesday's will never really be the same and I know that life will move forward and all of these wonderful people will still be there, but the dynamic will be different.
And I will miss them. I already do. But I also know that I am excited for where He will take me. And now I get to be in ministry at my place of employment. I am so grateful that God led me to Central. So grateful. And He is calling me to really step into a ministry that helps these kids to really know Jesus. Not just know about Him, but to KNOW Him. When I got out of the van this morning and was maneuvering through the little stampede of kids playing Lightening on the basketball court, I knew that this is where I am needed. This is where I am suppose to be.
This is right where I belong. I am excited for what the future holds. I am excited to be able to share my faith with these students. To not only be their librarian, but to be someone they can talk to. Someone they can trust, because once upon a time back in 2004, someone did the same thing for me.
So, to my Joppa friends...thank you. Thank you for your friendship. I am blessed by you all and excited to see how God is going to grow these relationships in the future. It has been a stellar nine years, and there are many more in store for this ministry. I am so excited to see what God is going to do through the ministry and through all of you! I am excited to see who God calls into leadership. It is always a blessing to see someone realize their identity in Christ and find their full potential in Him. I will be praying continually for you all. Don't worry, I will still be around. You know how to find me. :)
As for His plans for me, I say bring it on. I am excited and blessed to start this new season of life.
Because honestly, I want to live my life with integrity knowing that I did everything I could possible do to bring Him honor and glory above all things. To God alone be the glory and power through everything.
I am ready, God. I am ready. I trust You. Let's do this.
"Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, “This is the way; walk in it.” -Isaiah 30:21 (NIV)
13 April 2013
The Struggle: Part One
Let me tell you a story:
There once was a little girl who dreamed big dreams and spent lazy summer days staring up at the sky or playing outside. She was happy. She was spunky. She was social. Life was good. She had a happy family that lived on a quaint little farm.
The year that her family lost their farm was the year that it began. A pound here, a pound there. A little bigger pants, a size bigger shirt. Nothing that a summer of growing and stretching wouldn't take care of. But as she grew up, she also grew out.
Suddenly kids at school noticed. When before none of them cared, now they made fun of her. On the bus, on the playground, in class, in the lunchroom. It didn't matter. Anywhere was fair game. "Hey piggy." "Watch out, Lori might squash you!" "Lori likes who? Yeah, no guy would want that." "Look at that cow. There's nothing small about her!" Day in and day out throughout elementary and into middle school. The same kids. The same words. The same feelings. The same routine. Run into the house, lock herself in her room, and cry until she fell asleep pleading and asking God why He made her this way. Dreading the bus ride to school. Trying not to make eye contact in the hopes that they wouldn't notice when she was around. Trying to dodge bullets where bullets could be dodged.
She decided at a young age that this was her life. And it wasn't fair. She was angry and bitter. Things weren't great at home and things weren't great at school. There wasn't a safe place anywhere. Except food. It didn't tease her, didn't make her feel bad. So began a long, downhill journey of self loathing and self medicating with food that finally culminated to a single moment when she looked in the mirror, 34 years of age, and decided she had had enough and it was time to change something.
Who knew that that something would change everything?
So five weeks ago, God led me down a different path. A better path. A path not only to improve my health, but also to improve me, the me that He created me to be before the dawn of time. So far the physical part hasn't been too bad. Granted, it is still hard, but doable.
It's the emotional part that's the killer.
It's the looking in the mirror part and still seeing fat Lori and wondering how that is beautiful.
It's the getting up in the morning part and being very aware of what makes me different from everyone else.
It's the hope that is trying to spring up through the hard packed soil of heartache.
It's the part that compares myself to others.
It's the part that wonders if a guy is ever going to want me for me.
It's the struggle. Daily. Hourly. Minutely. Secondly.
That's where the battle rages. Between knowing what God says about me and actually believing it. I let myself believe the lies for so long that they embedded deeply in my heart.
This is where I am right now. However, God loves me too much to leave me there. He tells me I am fearfully, wonderfully made. I am precious to Him. I am His daughter. And I am beautiful. And I have to repeat these truths over and over and over and over and over and over. Everyday, in the mirror, I have to look myself in the eye and say to myself, "Lori, you are precious, you are loved, and you are His. No one can take that from you because God said it, and He means it from the bottom of His heart. Believe it."
This is where my real battle will be waged. And to be perfectly honest, it is scary. Praise the Lord I built my house on the firm foundation of Jesus Christ. No matter how bad the storm is around me or how fierce the wind blows, I will not be moved or shaken or blown away. Why? Because I stand on the Solid Rock. Because He understands in those moments when I don't. And He isn't finished with me yet. See? He is doing something new! And I, for one, cannot wait to see what it is.
It's called hope and hope is what we crave.
01 January 2013
In with 2013....reflecting at 2:19AM
Well, we are 2 hours and 19 minutes into the new year. I am still awake. I have some stuff buzzing through my mind, so I thought maybe if I get it out of my head and put it somewhere, then I can go to sleep.
I was blessed to ring in the new year with some great people this evening. We played games and laughed and really enjoyed each other's company. We talked about the new year and the possibilities it could hold. We talked about life and how crazy it can be sometimes. We talked. I felt a little out of place. A little off.
The time crept a little closer to midnight. The last remaining minutes of a crazy, stressful, painful, busy year started winding down and all the hope for a brand new year started to build. But the most significant part of this evening wasn't the ball dropping, or the countdown, or even that I was surrounded by people that I care about.
As we counted down, I said a silent prayer, thanking God for all that He had blessed me with. I thanked Him for the struggles and the triumphs, the joy and the pain. I thanked Him for the many wonderful moments to be with friends and family and I praised Him that He brought me through another year.
I also laid one more thing at His feet.
"God, You know who he is. You know my heart can't be there anymore. Let me let him go."
Funny enough, as I prayed it, a door closed somewhere. Literally. I heard a door from somewhere in the house shut. And I knew. Something in me was....different. Like I had finally been set free from my captive heart. It felt like the chains of all of the emotion and turmoil and doubt were loosened and I was free...finally...to wiggle free of them, lay them down, and walk confidently into a future that only He can see. I feel like I could finally breathe out from under the weight of where and who I had let my heart go to.
I finally felt peace in an area I have struggled in for the better part of two years and all was right in my world again because God made it so.
A pretty stellar moment if you ask me.
So here's to 2013. Here's to all of the hope and possibility that a new year holds, no matter where that takes me, who I meet along the way, or what adventures God has planned.
I am ready. All of me is ready.
I was blessed to ring in the new year with some great people this evening. We played games and laughed and really enjoyed each other's company. We talked about the new year and the possibilities it could hold. We talked about life and how crazy it can be sometimes. We talked. I felt a little out of place. A little off.
The time crept a little closer to midnight. The last remaining minutes of a crazy, stressful, painful, busy year started winding down and all the hope for a brand new year started to build. But the most significant part of this evening wasn't the ball dropping, or the countdown, or even that I was surrounded by people that I care about.
As we counted down, I said a silent prayer, thanking God for all that He had blessed me with. I thanked Him for the struggles and the triumphs, the joy and the pain. I thanked Him for the many wonderful moments to be with friends and family and I praised Him that He brought me through another year.
I also laid one more thing at His feet.
"God, You know who he is. You know my heart can't be there anymore. Let me let him go."
Funny enough, as I prayed it, a door closed somewhere. Literally. I heard a door from somewhere in the house shut. And I knew. Something in me was....different. Like I had finally been set free from my captive heart. It felt like the chains of all of the emotion and turmoil and doubt were loosened and I was free...finally...to wiggle free of them, lay them down, and walk confidently into a future that only He can see. I feel like I could finally breathe out from under the weight of where and who I had let my heart go to.
I finally felt peace in an area I have struggled in for the better part of two years and all was right in my world again because God made it so.
A pretty stellar moment if you ask me.
So here's to 2013. Here's to all of the hope and possibility that a new year holds, no matter where that takes me, who I meet along the way, or what adventures God has planned.
I am ready. All of me is ready.
23 October 2012
I Surrender...Some? No. All.
I find I come here a lot and write when I am confused on things and can't seem to get stuff out of my head until I write it down. I guess that is the case tonight.
I am 34-years old. I know, hard to believe. It's hard for me to believe sometimes. It's hard to believe that I have been on this planet for 34 years and have really just started finding my passions and dreams within the last five years. Crazy.
I have also been single for all of those years. I am trying not to hate it. Most days I can be really content, most days I can really be at peace about it, but lately I have really been struggling in trying to be content and peaceful in what seems like an extremely, unnecessarily long, extended time of singleness.
It's hard, especially in a society that makes you feel like a leper or social outcast because you are single.
Why is it such a bad thing? Singleness does not equal death.
There are days, though, when it is harder to believe in an ultimate plan. There are days when being by myself is harder. There are days when I desire to have that person to come home to at night. To hold me and make me feel safe. Someone to start a family with and have a future with.
I am in my 30's, and I feel sometimes like the clock is slowly ticking away and I am getting left further and further behind while it seems it is so easy for everyone else to just jump start a relationship.
But do I really want that, either? To be in a relationship just for the sake of being in one? No. I don't want to be in a relationship just because I am lonely. I want to be prepared and ready for the man that God has for me. Sometimes, though, if I were truly honest about what I feel, I would say that it feels like I kind of got forgotten. I know God didn't forget me. I know that. But sometimes I just have to wonder if I am barking up the wrong tree. If I was never intended to be married. Never intended to be in a relationship. Never intended to fall into a forever love. Knowing these things would have saved a lot of heartache, both past and present. Believe me, this thought crosses my mind and a lot more lately. Questions from my family do not help, either.
Thinking that I am intended to be single for the rest of my life breaks my heart. It makes me cry. A lot. Everyone wants to be loved. Everyone. I am no exception. I feel like this "season" of singleness has become an epic couple of decades of singleness and that this is just my lot in life. Perhaps I just need to accept it and move on with my life.
If it was suppose to work out with someone, it would have. If he was interested, he would have talked to me by now. If, if, if, if, if.
I need to stop the if's.
And I need to let God have this.
And I know I am not the only one who struggles up against this.
Can I be brave enough to face a future without marriage? Without a family of my own? Without a husband and without knowing what it is to love someone as a wife loves a husband?
Argh. In my own strength, no. And that is definitely not the desire of my heart.
But, if God asks me to be single for the rest of my life, how do I refuse the God of the universe? He knows what's best for me. How can I say no to Him?
Sorry, I am just processing this all out as I start to really pray through some of this. If God's will is for me to be single for the rest of my life, then I have to accept that. I may mourn a life I never was able to have, but serving Him is such a higher calling that I can be content just knowing and abiding in Him. Right?
Right. Maybe it won't be easy right away, but it will come. His peace will come. His joy will fill in the gaps. His hope will rise through it all. His comfort will overtake the feeling of loss. The feelings of rejection and hopelessness that come with this particular area of my life. He redeems and He will redeem this.
I know my heart will be fine. God has His hands around it right now. And who knows, maybe He will bless me with a special someone in my life. Honestly, I feel somewhat skeptical of this but He knows what He is doing.
This is me being honest. And this is me struggling through it. There is beauty in the struggle, but this is one struggle that I really don't want to go through. Giving up hopes and dreams of having my own family someday is hard. God knows it. I have a great High Priest who can empathize with this.
And even as I type this, tears in my eyes, He is drawing my heart to His.
God, have Your way, whatever way that may be. I am ready. Shaky, but ready. I surrender this and I am done fighting it. It's Yours.
I am 34-years old. I know, hard to believe. It's hard for me to believe sometimes. It's hard to believe that I have been on this planet for 34 years and have really just started finding my passions and dreams within the last five years. Crazy.
I have also been single for all of those years. I am trying not to hate it. Most days I can be really content, most days I can really be at peace about it, but lately I have really been struggling in trying to be content and peaceful in what seems like an extremely, unnecessarily long, extended time of singleness.
It's hard, especially in a society that makes you feel like a leper or social outcast because you are single.
Why is it such a bad thing? Singleness does not equal death.
There are days, though, when it is harder to believe in an ultimate plan. There are days when being by myself is harder. There are days when I desire to have that person to come home to at night. To hold me and make me feel safe. Someone to start a family with and have a future with.
I am in my 30's, and I feel sometimes like the clock is slowly ticking away and I am getting left further and further behind while it seems it is so easy for everyone else to just jump start a relationship.
But do I really want that, either? To be in a relationship just for the sake of being in one? No. I don't want to be in a relationship just because I am lonely. I want to be prepared and ready for the man that God has for me. Sometimes, though, if I were truly honest about what I feel, I would say that it feels like I kind of got forgotten. I know God didn't forget me. I know that. But sometimes I just have to wonder if I am barking up the wrong tree. If I was never intended to be married. Never intended to be in a relationship. Never intended to fall into a forever love. Knowing these things would have saved a lot of heartache, both past and present. Believe me, this thought crosses my mind and a lot more lately. Questions from my family do not help, either.
Thinking that I am intended to be single for the rest of my life breaks my heart. It makes me cry. A lot. Everyone wants to be loved. Everyone. I am no exception. I feel like this "season" of singleness has become an epic couple of decades of singleness and that this is just my lot in life. Perhaps I just need to accept it and move on with my life.
If it was suppose to work out with someone, it would have. If he was interested, he would have talked to me by now. If, if, if, if, if.
I need to stop the if's.
And I need to let God have this.
And I know I am not the only one who struggles up against this.
Can I be brave enough to face a future without marriage? Without a family of my own? Without a husband and without knowing what it is to love someone as a wife loves a husband?
Argh. In my own strength, no. And that is definitely not the desire of my heart.
But, if God asks me to be single for the rest of my life, how do I refuse the God of the universe? He knows what's best for me. How can I say no to Him?
Sorry, I am just processing this all out as I start to really pray through some of this. If God's will is for me to be single for the rest of my life, then I have to accept that. I may mourn a life I never was able to have, but serving Him is such a higher calling that I can be content just knowing and abiding in Him. Right?
Right. Maybe it won't be easy right away, but it will come. His peace will come. His joy will fill in the gaps. His hope will rise through it all. His comfort will overtake the feeling of loss. The feelings of rejection and hopelessness that come with this particular area of my life. He redeems and He will redeem this.
I know my heart will be fine. God has His hands around it right now. And who knows, maybe He will bless me with a special someone in my life. Honestly, I feel somewhat skeptical of this but He knows what He is doing.
This is me being honest. And this is me struggling through it. There is beauty in the struggle, but this is one struggle that I really don't want to go through. Giving up hopes and dreams of having my own family someday is hard. God knows it. I have a great High Priest who can empathize with this.
And even as I type this, tears in my eyes, He is drawing my heart to His.
God, have Your way, whatever way that may be. I am ready. Shaky, but ready. I surrender this and I am done fighting it. It's Yours.
13 October 2012
The Things That Break My Heart
I guess I never really thought I would be rejected for my faith. I guess I never thought that it would come at the hands of a family member, let alone my own brother.
I suppose starting from the beginning would be good.
A few days ago, one of my brother's decided to delete me from Facebook. I decided to question it, so I messaged him and asked why.
He proceeded to tell me that I now worked for the dark side and that me being involved in young adult ministry was me working for satan. I tried to understand where he was coming from, and asked a few more questions that yielded nothing but more confusion and at the end of the conversation he told me to have a nice life and to go away. I tried to get him to explain to me what I had done, but I never received a response.
I called my dad and read him the entire Facebook conversation we had. My dad reassured me as I cried like a baby over the phone that I needed to pray for him. My dad told me that I was strong in my faith and to keep pressing on no matter what had been spoken against me (my dad is wise).
So I sit here still replaying this whole conversation in my head, brokenhearted. My brother rejected me and disowned me. According to him, I am no longer his sister but the enemy.
My heart breaks because he is my brother. He is my family. I still care about him and love him. He, however, does not share that sentiment.
It amazes me how family can turn on itself. I shouldn't really be surprised by it, though. We do live in a sinful, fallen world. We are human. We are given the choice to either follow Christ or not to follow Christ. I think that the comment that hurt the most was the following:
"jesus does not work for satan. But you do. Take that brain you have research who funds the groups that you drink kool aid with and get back to me or not."
I just don't even know what to say to that. I have never been told that before and I couldn't believe it was coming from my brother. My brother.
My God is greater than the things that are spoken against me. God is greater than anything spoken against anyone. He assures me that He is here with me, and what has been intended to harm me will ultimately bring God honor and glory.
ALL THINGS FOR OUR GOOD.
“I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” -John 16:33
Jesus has overcome this sinful, fallen world. He sacrificed everything....for me. For you. For my brother. He loves each of us. He loves my brother SO MUCH and so do I. So I will continue to pray for him. For God to take hold of his heart and show him that love, that sacrifice, and the life that he can have living for Christ.
My mind is still a little scattered, and my heart is still wounded. It may take a little time to heal it, but I believe in my Redeemer. The great Reconciler. I believe that He can do anything. I lay my broken heart in His hands tonight and pray from some sort of restoration to begin.
If you feel led, I could use your prayers. Not for me, but for my brother. He really needs it right now.
Thanks.
I suppose starting from the beginning would be good.
A few days ago, one of my brother's decided to delete me from Facebook. I decided to question it, so I messaged him and asked why.
He proceeded to tell me that I now worked for the dark side and that me being involved in young adult ministry was me working for satan. I tried to understand where he was coming from, and asked a few more questions that yielded nothing but more confusion and at the end of the conversation he told me to have a nice life and to go away. I tried to get him to explain to me what I had done, but I never received a response.
I called my dad and read him the entire Facebook conversation we had. My dad reassured me as I cried like a baby over the phone that I needed to pray for him. My dad told me that I was strong in my faith and to keep pressing on no matter what had been spoken against me (my dad is wise).
So I sit here still replaying this whole conversation in my head, brokenhearted. My brother rejected me and disowned me. According to him, I am no longer his sister but the enemy.
My heart breaks because he is my brother. He is my family. I still care about him and love him. He, however, does not share that sentiment.
It amazes me how family can turn on itself. I shouldn't really be surprised by it, though. We do live in a sinful, fallen world. We are human. We are given the choice to either follow Christ or not to follow Christ. I think that the comment that hurt the most was the following:
"jesus does not work for satan. But you do. Take that brain you have research who funds the groups that you drink kool aid with and get back to me or not."
I just don't even know what to say to that. I have never been told that before and I couldn't believe it was coming from my brother. My brother.
My God is greater than the things that are spoken against me. God is greater than anything spoken against anyone. He assures me that He is here with me, and what has been intended to harm me will ultimately bring God honor and glory.
ALL THINGS FOR OUR GOOD.
“I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” -John 16:33
Jesus has overcome this sinful, fallen world. He sacrificed everything....for me. For you. For my brother. He loves each of us. He loves my brother SO MUCH and so do I. So I will continue to pray for him. For God to take hold of his heart and show him that love, that sacrifice, and the life that he can have living for Christ.
My mind is still a little scattered, and my heart is still wounded. It may take a little time to heal it, but I believe in my Redeemer. The great Reconciler. I believe that He can do anything. I lay my broken heart in His hands tonight and pray from some sort of restoration to begin.
If you feel led, I could use your prayers. Not for me, but for my brother. He really needs it right now.
Thanks.
29 September 2012
Integrity Thinking In An Image Obsessed World
I have a few things just floating around in my head, so I am just going to jump right in. Ready? Here we go.
So there is this guy that I have liked for a while. Is it pathetic and sad that today I FINALLY got the hint that there is never really ever going to be a chance that he will EVER consider me? Like, ever? I'm not "one of the good ones" because, apparently, "they've all been taken".
Really? All the good ones are taken? I hate this line. I hate that people use it. I listen to the guys around me talk sometimes. I hear the things they say about women. It grieves my soul to hear those things. I hear the things that the women I know say about the guys (and probably stuff I have said myself to be honest). That grieves me as well.
Shouldn't we want to seek out Godly qualities in someone first before basing whether or not they are dateable by their looks?
It's not just the guys that do it. We girls do it, too. We base some of our qualifications on looks as well. But that's not what drew me to this guy. His personality is awesome and he has a sincere heart for Christ. Yeah, looks are fine, but if you want to draw me in you had better know Jesus. You had better have a relationship with Him and you had better love Him because I am not just looking for a casual dating situation. I am looking for a Christ-centered, God honoring relationship that would someday turn into a Christ-centered, God honoring marriage. A marriage with integrity.
We talk about integrity and throw the word around like we are Christian scholars, but how often do we actually show it in our own lives? Guys, when you talk about a women's appearance, whether in a positive or negative way, does that show integrity? Are you honoring her with the words you use to describe her or the way you look at her? Women, when you wear something that's a little too tight, too short, or too low, are you showing integrity? Ladies, these are our brothers in Christ. That clothing is going to cause them to stumble. Men, your words towards a woman are going to affect her whether you realize it or not. For real. All of that flirting you do that leads a woman on will eventually just break her heart and confuse her if you aren't serious about pursuing a relationship with her.
I really let my heart get wrapped up this time. I really let my emotions take over my common sense and it broke my heart. I think I hung on to it for so long because I thought there maybe was a little hope. I was so wrong. Oh, so very wrong. And I allowed the situation to tell me that I wasn't good enough for him because I wasn't thin and gorgeous. That was wrong, too. I am beautiful because God says that I am, not because of another person's opinion.
It is not the end of the world.
I have to believe that there is a guy out there who is going to think I am beautiful. Who is going to love Christ more than me, but also cherish me as Christ loves and cherishes His church. I have to believe that is out there for me somewhere.
I don't think he knows how much I cared for him. I don't know if he would care if he knew. And honestly, it is probably better off that way. I let my emotions get the best of me and I let my heart get wrapped up in it. It's time to put an end to that vicious cycle. He is my brother in Christ and I will still treat him with respect. I will pray for him and all of the men in my life that they would walk this life out with integrity. I pray that for all of my friends. That the world would see that relationships aren't one night stands and booty calls. That relationships are meant to be taken seriously. That God is meant to be honored through them. That we can have integrity thinking in an image obsessed, self-centered, instant gratification world. That men really do treat women as a precious daughter of the King and not an object. That women do respect men as the spiritual leader. That relationships and marriages can last without sex being used as a bargaining chip. That there is more to someone than just what the outside presents.
We are called to be salt and light, and darn it, we need to start living like it. ESPECIALLY in this particular area of life.
One day, I will find that guy. You know, the one God has for me. Until then, I will glorify God with this singleness that I am "blessed" with (it really is a blessing, it just doesn't feel like it today).
Friends, will you walk this out with me? Will you take a stand for integrity? I think the world is crying out for it, they just don't know it yet.
Okay, that is enough for tonight. I am done. I have orange spray paint in my hair. I need to remove it. Goodnight, friends.
So there is this guy that I have liked for a while. Is it pathetic and sad that today I FINALLY got the hint that there is never really ever going to be a chance that he will EVER consider me? Like, ever? I'm not "one of the good ones" because, apparently, "they've all been taken".
Really? All the good ones are taken? I hate this line. I hate that people use it. I listen to the guys around me talk sometimes. I hear the things they say about women. It grieves my soul to hear those things. I hear the things that the women I know say about the guys (and probably stuff I have said myself to be honest). That grieves me as well.
Shouldn't we want to seek out Godly qualities in someone first before basing whether or not they are dateable by their looks?
It's not just the guys that do it. We girls do it, too. We base some of our qualifications on looks as well. But that's not what drew me to this guy. His personality is awesome and he has a sincere heart for Christ. Yeah, looks are fine, but if you want to draw me in you had better know Jesus. You had better have a relationship with Him and you had better love Him because I am not just looking for a casual dating situation. I am looking for a Christ-centered, God honoring relationship that would someday turn into a Christ-centered, God honoring marriage. A marriage with integrity.
We talk about integrity and throw the word around like we are Christian scholars, but how often do we actually show it in our own lives? Guys, when you talk about a women's appearance, whether in a positive or negative way, does that show integrity? Are you honoring her with the words you use to describe her or the way you look at her? Women, when you wear something that's a little too tight, too short, or too low, are you showing integrity? Ladies, these are our brothers in Christ. That clothing is going to cause them to stumble. Men, your words towards a woman are going to affect her whether you realize it or not. For real. All of that flirting you do that leads a woman on will eventually just break her heart and confuse her if you aren't serious about pursuing a relationship with her.
I really let my heart get wrapped up this time. I really let my emotions take over my common sense and it broke my heart. I think I hung on to it for so long because I thought there maybe was a little hope. I was so wrong. Oh, so very wrong. And I allowed the situation to tell me that I wasn't good enough for him because I wasn't thin and gorgeous. That was wrong, too. I am beautiful because God says that I am, not because of another person's opinion.
It is not the end of the world.
I have to believe that there is a guy out there who is going to think I am beautiful. Who is going to love Christ more than me, but also cherish me as Christ loves and cherishes His church. I have to believe that is out there for me somewhere.
I don't think he knows how much I cared for him. I don't know if he would care if he knew. And honestly, it is probably better off that way. I let my emotions get the best of me and I let my heart get wrapped up in it. It's time to put an end to that vicious cycle. He is my brother in Christ and I will still treat him with respect. I will pray for him and all of the men in my life that they would walk this life out with integrity. I pray that for all of my friends. That the world would see that relationships aren't one night stands and booty calls. That relationships are meant to be taken seriously. That God is meant to be honored through them. That we can have integrity thinking in an image obsessed, self-centered, instant gratification world. That men really do treat women as a precious daughter of the King and not an object. That women do respect men as the spiritual leader. That relationships and marriages can last without sex being used as a bargaining chip. That there is more to someone than just what the outside presents.
We are called to be salt and light, and darn it, we need to start living like it. ESPECIALLY in this particular area of life.
One day, I will find that guy. You know, the one God has for me. Until then, I will glorify God with this singleness that I am "blessed" with (it really is a blessing, it just doesn't feel like it today).
Friends, will you walk this out with me? Will you take a stand for integrity? I think the world is crying out for it, they just don't know it yet.
Okay, that is enough for tonight. I am done. I have orange spray paint in my hair. I need to remove it. Goodnight, friends.
24 August 2012
For Good
"But Joseph said to them, “Don’t be afraid. Am I in the place of God? You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives." -Genesis 50:19-20
I just finished listening to the second of two sermons that JR Vassar preached about Joseph. No, not Mary's Joseph. The other Joseph. Joseph, a son who drew the favor of his father while drawing the hatred of his brothers. Joseph, a teenage boy who dreamed of his older brothers bowing to him. Joseph, the brother who was stripped of his coat, thrown into a cistern and was reported dead to his father all at the hands of his brothers. Joseph, sold into slavery, then sold to Potiphar where he became a trusted adviser. Joseph, the desire of Potiphar's wife, and after refusing her advances was accused of trying to sleep with her and was thrown into prison. Joseph, who interpreted Pharoah's dream and was put in charge of his palace to save the kingdom from drought and famine. Joseph, who had mercy on his brothers even after all they had put him through.
You know, that Joseph.
Joseph and I have some stuff in common. I wasn't thrown into a cistern or sold by my brothers, although when I was little they may have wanted to sell me. That stuff hasn't happened to me. However, there have been times of unimaginable struggle in my life where I, and undoubtedly Joseph, would ask the question, "God, where are You? Why are You letting this happen? What good can come from all of this heartache? Are You still there? Can You hear me?"
While walking through the valley, I never thought that any good could come from it. When you are in the valley, all you see is valley. You see darkness. You see despair. You feel anger. You are confused. You feel a little hopeless. You jump around every corner because you think that the shadows are moving against you. The last thing you feel in the valley is anything good.
What I saw was what my tunnel vision would allow, and that was...valley and more valley. I couldn't see that all around me God was working for my good, not my destruction.
In Joseph's case, God turned what his brothers intended for harm (hurting their brother, selling him for profit, breaking his father's heart claiming he was dead, putting him through some pretty crappy circumstances) into something very good, which would in turn save many, many lives. Joseph was asked to interpret a dream Pharoah had had. Joseph told Pharoah that there would be seven years of plenty and seven years of famine. He suggested that the storehouses be loaded during the plenty so there would be plenty to feed the people during the famine. Because of God speaking through Joseph to interpret Pharoah's dream, many people were saved from the famine, including Joseph's own family.
God used all of the unfortunate circumstances that Joseph went through for his good. For the good of God's people. Not only to save a nation, but also to salvage and reconcile a broken family through forgiveness. Joseph could have let them starve. When he saw his brothers coming, he could have refused them. He could have banned them. He could have, but didn't. He had compassion and mercy. He was able, because God ordained it, to use his circumstance and situation for good.
God does that for me now. I gave my testimony on Tuesday. I wasn't even sure what I all said. I don't like talking about where I come from. Where my life has been. What it has been. I don't generally like talking in front of people at all. But, during the summer God really placed it on my heart to share about my past. Where I had been, what I went through and how He has redeemed things. To talk about the work He is doing in and through me and is not even close to being done with. If I am being honest, there is still a lot of pain. There are still situations that I would have responded differently to had I known the outcome was going to be so devastating.
But God knows. He knows my heart. He has heard every single time I have cried out wondering where He is. He has collected all of my tears and mourns with me through those parts of my life that didn't exactly go as planned.
He is using it, too. For my good, not my destruction. To teach me reliance on Him and Him alone. To walk through this world with others who have experienced similar circumstances to let them know that they aren't walking this out alone. That there is no situation that is ever hopeless. There is ALWAYS hope. Our circumstances are temporary but our God is constant. His plan and purpose are perfect and sometimes we have to walk through some pretty nasty circumstances so that we can see just what He was doing on the other side of it. To grow us, to teach us, to draw us to His loving heart. To hold us, to guide us, to set us free from those things that chain us down to our insecurities and doubts. He sets the captives free, if only we put our faith and hope in Him to do so.
He works through all things for our good, not our destruction.
He continually does it for me. Daily. Minutely. Hourly. I don't always understand why. I don't have to. He will make that clear one day. Right now, all I need to know is that He is with me. When I am with God, I'm good. And if God is for me, who can be against me? Even if it sucks, it is all for good.
Guess what? He does it for you, too.
:)
Goodnight.
16 August 2012
A Forever Kind of Love
It has been a while since I last updated this. It is currently almost 1:00AM on Thursday, August 16th. This is as good a time as any, right?
Wow, it has been a whirlwind summer. It went so fast but it has been FANTASTIC. I don't remember really ever having a summer so rewarding and so fulfilling as this one. I think the reason it was so different is because I let control of my life go to the hands of my Lord and Savior. I gave Him the whole thing. I gave up control of my will, my heart, my plans and I let Him lead me. He used me in ways that I never dreamed possible. He healed places in my heart that were raw and hurting. He convicted me of sins I had committed and things I had done wrong. He turned my heart towards Home and it was amazing to see His beauty.
A big lesson I learned this summer was how to slow down and be thankful in so many of the little things that I tend to take for granted. I learned how to sit in His presence and just listen instead of talk all of the time. I allowed that God-shaped hole that I had been filling with everything else to finally be completely filled to overflowing with Him so that I could extend His grace and mercy and love to those around me. I took the time to dive hardcore into His Word and really study and understand what He was speaking to me through it.
And since I have been home from camp, I have been letting go of the stress I am starting to feel here. I trust in His perfect timing. I trust in His plan for my employment, my finances, my relationships, and His design for the one I will marry someday.
That last part is a bit more difficult as society makes me feel like I am going to forever be a spinster who has thirty cats and sits at home on a Friday night watching reruns of Golden Girls. It baffles people that I am not out there dating away with the first cute boy that comes along and shows me attention, It shocks people to find out that I am 33-years old and have never really been on a date. They think there is something wrong with me.
There is nothing wrong with me. I am beautiful. I am precious. I am worth waiting for. Why? Because God tells me that, and He wants what is best for me. I am not just going to settle for the first guy that comes along and makes me feel somewhat special. The man I intend on marrying someday will love God more than he will love me. His relationship with Christ will be more important than his relationship with me. He will be the spiritual leader in our household. He will be who God has been preparing me for. He will be worth waiting for. He will first be my friend, my best friend. Someone that I know I can trust to lead me and our family and to love us as Christ loves His church.
Someday.
Is it hard? Of course. I don't like being alone. I don't like being the odd one out at every wedding I am invited to or dread Valentine's Day rolling around. However, someday it will be my wedding and I will meet him at the altar. I will look at him, he will look at me and we will both know that it was absolutely worth the struggle to get to that moment. He will tell me I am beautiful. He will look at me with God's eyes, see my heart and I will be completely smitten.
It is worth waiting for that forever kind of love.
In the in between time, I will seek Him and run after Him with everything I have. God has my heart first and foremost. I will serve Him in whatever capacity He has planned out for me. I am His. And I pray, someday, I will be a Godly wife and a mother and that we will serve our Lord together.
God's timing says not yet. I am good with that. Why would I ever want to go against God's perfect timing?
God is good. If you haven't met Him yet, you should. He will blow your mind. He will shatter every expectation and take your breath away. He is magnificent, beautiful, and absolutely amazing. You should get to know Him.
Okay, enough update. I need some sleep. And I need to get off of my pedestal. Goodnight, friends. God bless you all.
Wow, it has been a whirlwind summer. It went so fast but it has been FANTASTIC. I don't remember really ever having a summer so rewarding and so fulfilling as this one. I think the reason it was so different is because I let control of my life go to the hands of my Lord and Savior. I gave Him the whole thing. I gave up control of my will, my heart, my plans and I let Him lead me. He used me in ways that I never dreamed possible. He healed places in my heart that were raw and hurting. He convicted me of sins I had committed and things I had done wrong. He turned my heart towards Home and it was amazing to see His beauty.
A big lesson I learned this summer was how to slow down and be thankful in so many of the little things that I tend to take for granted. I learned how to sit in His presence and just listen instead of talk all of the time. I allowed that God-shaped hole that I had been filling with everything else to finally be completely filled to overflowing with Him so that I could extend His grace and mercy and love to those around me. I took the time to dive hardcore into His Word and really study and understand what He was speaking to me through it.
And since I have been home from camp, I have been letting go of the stress I am starting to feel here. I trust in His perfect timing. I trust in His plan for my employment, my finances, my relationships, and His design for the one I will marry someday.
That last part is a bit more difficult as society makes me feel like I am going to forever be a spinster who has thirty cats and sits at home on a Friday night watching reruns of Golden Girls. It baffles people that I am not out there dating away with the first cute boy that comes along and shows me attention, It shocks people to find out that I am 33-years old and have never really been on a date. They think there is something wrong with me.
There is nothing wrong with me. I am beautiful. I am precious. I am worth waiting for. Why? Because God tells me that, and He wants what is best for me. I am not just going to settle for the first guy that comes along and makes me feel somewhat special. The man I intend on marrying someday will love God more than he will love me. His relationship with Christ will be more important than his relationship with me. He will be the spiritual leader in our household. He will be who God has been preparing me for. He will be worth waiting for. He will first be my friend, my best friend. Someone that I know I can trust to lead me and our family and to love us as Christ loves His church.
Someday.
Is it hard? Of course. I don't like being alone. I don't like being the odd one out at every wedding I am invited to or dread Valentine's Day rolling around. However, someday it will be my wedding and I will meet him at the altar. I will look at him, he will look at me and we will both know that it was absolutely worth the struggle to get to that moment. He will tell me I am beautiful. He will look at me with God's eyes, see my heart and I will be completely smitten.
It is worth waiting for that forever kind of love.
In the in between time, I will seek Him and run after Him with everything I have. God has my heart first and foremost. I will serve Him in whatever capacity He has planned out for me. I am His. And I pray, someday, I will be a Godly wife and a mother and that we will serve our Lord together.
God's timing says not yet. I am good with that. Why would I ever want to go against God's perfect timing?
God is good. If you haven't met Him yet, you should. He will blow your mind. He will shatter every expectation and take your breath away. He is magnificent, beautiful, and absolutely amazing. You should get to know Him.
Okay, enough update. I need some sleep. And I need to get off of my pedestal. Goodnight, friends. God bless you all.
01 May 2012
Invitacion Fountain
This song blew me away this evening at Joppa. The words are so powerful. It really spoke to my heart. Enjoy!
"Invitacion Fountain" -The Violet Burning
Let all who are weak
All who are weary
Come to the Rock
Come to the Fountain
All who have sailed
On the rivers of heartache
Come to the see
Come on, be set free!
If You lead me Lord,
I will follow
Where You lead me Lord,
I will Go
Come and heal me Lord,
I will follow
Where You lead me Lord,
I will go
I will go
Let all who are weak
All who are weary
Come to the Rock
Come to the Fountain
Let all who have climbed,
The mountains of heartbreak
Reach to the sky
Come on, and give your life
If You lead me Lord,
I will follow
Where You lead me Lord,
I will Go
Come and heal me Lord,
I will follow
Where You lead me Lord,
I will go
I will go
Heal me.
Heal me.
All who are weak
All who are weary
All who are tired
All who are thirsty
All who have failed
All who are broken
Come to the Rock
Come to the Fountain
http://www.lyricstime.com/the-violet-burning-invitacion-fountain-lyrics.html
"Invitacion Fountain" -The Violet Burning
Let all who are weak
All who are weary
Come to the Rock
Come to the Fountain
All who have sailed
On the rivers of heartache
Come to the see
Come on, be set free!
If You lead me Lord,
I will follow
Where You lead me Lord,
I will Go
Come and heal me Lord,
I will follow
Where You lead me Lord,
I will go
I will go
Let all who are weak
All who are weary
Come to the Rock
Come to the Fountain
Let all who have climbed,
The mountains of heartbreak
Reach to the sky
Come on, and give your life
If You lead me Lord,
I will follow
Where You lead me Lord,
I will Go
Come and heal me Lord,
I will follow
Where You lead me Lord,
I will go
I will go
Heal me.
Heal me.
All who are weak
All who are weary
All who are tired
All who are thirsty
All who have failed
All who are broken
Come to the Rock
Come to the Fountain
http://www.lyricstime.com/the-violet-burning-invitacion-fountain-lyrics.html
25 April 2012
Hope Might Mean Enduring Through The Night......
I had to let go of a friendship this week. ....sigh....
Not going to lie, this sucks. The days since have been painful. My heart is broken. I cry at the drop of a hat. It literally feels like someone died even though no one did. The only thing that "died" was the friendship, which alone is painful enough. I definitely feel like I am in mourning.
The real tragedy is that I caused most of it.
Sometimes in life you face these moments. You face the moment when you have to decide for the good of salvaging what little connection there still is that it is more humane and more loving to walk away and let Him take it. It doesn't come without cost. Feelings get hurt. A bond is broken. Tears are shed.
It's not all bad, though. There is some sense of relief. A sense of release from an impossible and difficult situation that only God can heal. I believe 100% that He can heal it.
It also feels like a huge weight is lifted off of my shoulders. I don't have to pretend anymore. I can be honest about how I feel, even though these first few days since have been awkward and uncomfortable. I can actually see the future now when I couldn't before. I can see this incredible life that has been waiting for me to live. I feel my Father beckoning me forward, through the debris pile of this relationship and into a plan and purpose that is so much better. So much better, in fact, that it seems silly to dwell in the debris field for too long. It would be a waste of time.
Do I miss my friend? Of course I do. Every day. Even though the lines of communication are still open, I find I have nothing to really say. I feel like it all has been said and that it wouldn't matter anyway. It isn't going to change what it is right now. Only He can change it. Only He can heal the hurt feelings, the distrust, the sadness of letting someone go. Only He can restore joy, bring peace, and bring back the smiles and laughter.
He can do all these things and considerably more.
And I know that He will hold me. Comfort me. Comfort my friend. Bring closure and maybe even restoration.
This song is pretty awesome. It's called "Something to Say" by Starfield. You should listen to it and listen to the words.
This song speaks to my heart, and I didn't really listen to the words until recently. "And faith might mean there won't be answers. And hope might mean enduring through the night. Help me not forget in darkness the things that I believed in light."
Lord, I thank You for this day. The desire of my heart is to see my friend happy. I desire to know You and Your plan for my life. I pray that You will hold my heart and my friend's heart. That there will be peace and that any hurt and anger can be replaced with joy and gentleness.
I won't fight Your hands that are holding me. I won't fight You anymore. This life has always been Yours and I praise You for Your perfect plan. Thank You, Jesus, for saving a wretch like me. I don't deserve it but I am ever so grateful for it. This situation is Yours. I can't wait to see the beauty that comes from it.
Amen.
Not going to lie, this sucks. The days since have been painful. My heart is broken. I cry at the drop of a hat. It literally feels like someone died even though no one did. The only thing that "died" was the friendship, which alone is painful enough. I definitely feel like I am in mourning.
The real tragedy is that I caused most of it.
Sometimes in life you face these moments. You face the moment when you have to decide for the good of salvaging what little connection there still is that it is more humane and more loving to walk away and let Him take it. It doesn't come without cost. Feelings get hurt. A bond is broken. Tears are shed.
It's not all bad, though. There is some sense of relief. A sense of release from an impossible and difficult situation that only God can heal. I believe 100% that He can heal it.
It also feels like a huge weight is lifted off of my shoulders. I don't have to pretend anymore. I can be honest about how I feel, even though these first few days since have been awkward and uncomfortable. I can actually see the future now when I couldn't before. I can see this incredible life that has been waiting for me to live. I feel my Father beckoning me forward, through the debris pile of this relationship and into a plan and purpose that is so much better. So much better, in fact, that it seems silly to dwell in the debris field for too long. It would be a waste of time.
Do I miss my friend? Of course I do. Every day. Even though the lines of communication are still open, I find I have nothing to really say. I feel like it all has been said and that it wouldn't matter anyway. It isn't going to change what it is right now. Only He can change it. Only He can heal the hurt feelings, the distrust, the sadness of letting someone go. Only He can restore joy, bring peace, and bring back the smiles and laughter.
He can do all these things and considerably more.
And I know that He will hold me. Comfort me. Comfort my friend. Bring closure and maybe even restoration.
This song is pretty awesome. It's called "Something to Say" by Starfield. You should listen to it and listen to the words.
This song speaks to my heart, and I didn't really listen to the words until recently. "And faith might mean there won't be answers. And hope might mean enduring through the night. Help me not forget in darkness the things that I believed in light."
Lord, I thank You for this day. The desire of my heart is to see my friend happy. I desire to know You and Your plan for my life. I pray that You will hold my heart and my friend's heart. That there will be peace and that any hurt and anger can be replaced with joy and gentleness.
I won't fight Your hands that are holding me. I won't fight You anymore. This life has always been Yours and I praise You for Your perfect plan. Thank You, Jesus, for saving a wretch like me. I don't deserve it but I am ever so grateful for it. This situation is Yours. I can't wait to see the beauty that comes from it.
Amen.
09 April 2012
Summer Surrender
This summer I am heading back to camp. I am really excited about it! I get to play super sitter to a couple of pretty great kids. I will have the chance to reconnect with some people from last year and perhaps some bridges can be mended.
I also will be vacating my life in Prinsburg for a summer. It will be a good thing.
I can't tell you how busy I have been lately and how messed up some of my relationships are right now. It has been insane. Life is kind of complicated, but it is good. Funny, right? I know. It doesn't make sense. However, to a God who loves me more than anyone else ever will, it makes perfect sense. His hand is all over this and this weekend gave me some good time to think and pray. He gave me some much needed quality time with my family (which I desperately needed) and a break from the usual routine.
What a blessing His presence is. What a blessing isolation can be when utilized properly.
No matter how dark Friday may seem, just remember that Sunday is coming!
Last summer, I really held on to Hebrews 12:1-3. These verses were a great reminder to me that no matter how crappy things were, how dark things seemed, or how weary I felt that I should not lose heart. That I should run this race with perseverance, keeping my eyes constantly fixed on Jesus. That a great cloud of witnesses is cheering me on and that Jesus is right there with me. These verses also remind me of His sacrifice for me and that I tend to take this beautiful life that He has blessed me with for granted too often. These "obstacles", even though difficult and hard to hurdle over sometimes, are getting me in spiritual shape.
He's my training partner. Actually, He is more the coach and I just go with it. :)
I surrender, Lord, as I have so many times before, to Your will. You know what is best for me. You know the people in my life that You want there. You give me courage. I will run my heart out until I get to the end of this race and the ultimate prize. You.
Summer, here I come! I am ready!
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." -Hebrews 12:1-3 (NIV)
25 March 2012
White Flags
Howdy. It has been a while, hasn't it? I haven't written much of anything lately. Perhaps tonight would be a good time to play catch up. I have a lot on my mind.
Do you ever feel like you keep running back to the same valley? The same problems, the same insecurities, the same stupid issues? I do. Constantly. It's like I didn't learn the first time so I keep rounding the corner in this never ending loop that takes me from one side of the valley to the other, but never out of it.
It is so frustrating, not to mention exhausting.
He already knows that plan, though. By He I mean God. He already knows how many times I am going to pass the same old rock, the same old tree, the same old shadows before I finally learn whatever it is I need to learn from it and climb out on the other side.
I just need to be willing to throw in the white flag and surrender more readily than hold onto things that are doing more harm than good. It is so hard to do that sometimes. To let go of control. To just let things fall where they may. To come to the painful conclusion that sometimes those things that I feel I can't live without can easily live without me.
It's a process. I'm still learning.
Will there be pain? Most definitely. I feel that now more than ever. Will relationships suffer? Most certainly, but hopefully to strengthen and not to hinder. Will it change me? Absolutely. Anything worth going through is going to make me a different person. A stronger person. A closer to God person.
All to bring Him all of the glory.
So, I will continue on. Wait, haven't I seen that rock before?
Do you ever feel like you keep running back to the same valley? The same problems, the same insecurities, the same stupid issues? I do. Constantly. It's like I didn't learn the first time so I keep rounding the corner in this never ending loop that takes me from one side of the valley to the other, but never out of it.
It is so frustrating, not to mention exhausting.
He already knows that plan, though. By He I mean God. He already knows how many times I am going to pass the same old rock, the same old tree, the same old shadows before I finally learn whatever it is I need to learn from it and climb out on the other side.
I just need to be willing to throw in the white flag and surrender more readily than hold onto things that are doing more harm than good. It is so hard to do that sometimes. To let go of control. To just let things fall where they may. To come to the painful conclusion that sometimes those things that I feel I can't live without can easily live without me.
It's a process. I'm still learning.
Will there be pain? Most definitely. I feel that now more than ever. Will relationships suffer? Most certainly, but hopefully to strengthen and not to hinder. Will it change me? Absolutely. Anything worth going through is going to make me a different person. A stronger person. A closer to God person.
All to bring Him all of the glory.
So, I will continue on. Wait, haven't I seen that rock before?
15 January 2012
Me?
I am a jerk. And a liar. I am a sinful, messed up person.
Sometimes I run down this narrow path.
Sometimes I walk it.
More often than not, though, I usually stumble down it.
God has set a plan and will in motion for me.
He asks me to set myself in motion for Him.
And I do.
Sometimes.
Not always.
Sometimes I feel inadequate.
Sometimes I let my words get ahead of my thoughts and I sound unintelligent.
Or I lie.
I mess up. Slip up. Screw up.
I disappointment my friends. Sometimes my family.
Probably more than sometimes.
And I feel like I let God down.
I crawl on my hands, on my knees
Stretch my arms out toward the tree
Wondering what He will do
When He listens to how horrible I can be
"Child," He says.......
"You're forgiven."
"What? Didn't You see what I just did? And how I back peddled to get out of it? I..."
"..am forgiven."
Whoa.
Yes. Forgiven.
No condemnation. No fear. No failure.
Forgiven. In the process of being made holy.
Forgiven so that:
This liar proclaims Truth with reckless abandon.
This careless word abuser becomes a careful Word user.
This sinner is redeemed by a Savior.
Fallen? He picks me back up.
Stalling? He pushes me forward.
Crawling? He's there with me until I can stand again.
Lying? He convicts and loves and beckons me towards Truth.
Forgiven? Most definitely.
Driven? To Him and His plan for me.
Focused? Sometimes not, but it is getting better.
Loved? Unconditionally.
Does it mean this will always be easy?
No.
In fact, daily I run head on into sin.
Do I let it destroy me? No.
Because there was One who came before me.
One who came to restore me.
Who took sin and death, nailed it to a tree
So that I would turn from sin and run straight to His Glory.
Turn from. Don't go back to.
Desert it.
Be free from sin.
And quit living the way the world lives.
But instead, be light.
Be a spark.
Be ignited to light up the dark.
And bring hope.
Is it easy? No.
Worth it? Yes.
And the baffling part to me?
He is using undeserving old me.
He is using me-
The liar, the sinner, the gossiper
The fearful, the lowly and lustful
The jerk, the judgmental, the user
He is using me
To show You
Who He is.
Amazing. Dumbfounding. Mind blowing.
So, do you know Him?
You should.
He is love.
And everything...EVERYTHING... that is good.
Sometimes I run down this narrow path.
Sometimes I walk it.
More often than not, though, I usually stumble down it.
God has set a plan and will in motion for me.
He asks me to set myself in motion for Him.
And I do.
Sometimes.
Not always.
Sometimes I feel inadequate.
Sometimes I let my words get ahead of my thoughts and I sound unintelligent.
Or I lie.
I mess up. Slip up. Screw up.
I disappointment my friends. Sometimes my family.
Probably more than sometimes.
And I feel like I let God down.
I crawl on my hands, on my knees
Stretch my arms out toward the tree
Wondering what He will do
When He listens to how horrible I can be
"Child," He says.......
"You're forgiven."
"What? Didn't You see what I just did? And how I back peddled to get out of it? I..."
"..am forgiven."
Whoa.
Yes. Forgiven.
No condemnation. No fear. No failure.
Forgiven. In the process of being made holy.
Forgiven so that:
This liar proclaims Truth with reckless abandon.
This careless word abuser becomes a careful Word user.
This sinner is redeemed by a Savior.
Fallen? He picks me back up.
Stalling? He pushes me forward.
Crawling? He's there with me until I can stand again.
Lying? He convicts and loves and beckons me towards Truth.
Forgiven? Most definitely.
Driven? To Him and His plan for me.
Focused? Sometimes not, but it is getting better.
Loved? Unconditionally.
Does it mean this will always be easy?
No.
In fact, daily I run head on into sin.
Do I let it destroy me? No.
Because there was One who came before me.
One who came to restore me.
Who took sin and death, nailed it to a tree
So that I would turn from sin and run straight to His Glory.
Turn from. Don't go back to.
Desert it.
Be free from sin.
And quit living the way the world lives.
But instead, be light.
Be a spark.
Be ignited to light up the dark.
And bring hope.
Is it easy? No.
Worth it? Yes.
And the baffling part to me?
He is using undeserving old me.
He is using me-
The liar, the sinner, the gossiper
The fearful, the lowly and lustful
The jerk, the judgmental, the user
He is using me
To show You
Who He is.
Amazing. Dumbfounding. Mind blowing.
So, do you know Him?
You should.
He is love.
And everything...EVERYTHING... that is good.
10 January 2012
So Beautiful
I have seen the majesty of the mountains.
I have seen the colors that You paint into the sunrise.
I have seen the sun as it kisses the horizon sink slowly with awe and wonder.
I have seen the beauty of a rainbow, casting its colors during soft rainfall.
I have witnessed the miracle of spring burst forth in a mighty tapestry.
I have taken in the crispness of a serenely frozen morning, dazzling in splendor under a winter sun.
However, I have never seen anything more beautiful than watching Your children turn their hearts toward Home.
Wow.
Beautiful.
Humbling.
Grateful.
I love You, Jesus. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.
08 January 2012
04 January 2012
Qualified?
Thank goodness God doesn't call the qualified. He qualifies the called,.
I really need to remember that. And I need to remember that I am the most blessed woman on this planet because I get to...GET TO...work with the greatest group of kids. I have been at my job now for three years and everyday I get to watch these precious kids grow and change and become who God is creating them to be. I get to listen to laughter and off the wall comments and share in their joys and struggles. I get to see that spark and the excitement when a concept clicks and finally makes complete sense. I get to watch them discover and really find a love for reading. I get to be their librarian and remedial teacher and van driver, and for some I get the honor of being their friend.
I get to. Am I qualified? No. Without His leading, I am not qualified at all. But He is qualifying me daily.
Thank goodness.
I love my job. So much so that I intend to continue it. I pray God blesses the rest of this school year. I pray that He continues to stoke the fire that burns deep in my heart for Him. I pray He continually blesses me with the peace and joy that comes from serving in such an amazing environment.
I pray that when these kids look at me, they see Jesus working in me.
I also pray that I am never qualified of my own merit, but that the One who calls me is the One who is doing the qualifying.
"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful." -Hebrews 10:23
Amen.
I really need to remember that. And I need to remember that I am the most blessed woman on this planet because I get to...GET TO...work with the greatest group of kids. I have been at my job now for three years and everyday I get to watch these precious kids grow and change and become who God is creating them to be. I get to listen to laughter and off the wall comments and share in their joys and struggles. I get to see that spark and the excitement when a concept clicks and finally makes complete sense. I get to watch them discover and really find a love for reading. I get to be their librarian and remedial teacher and van driver, and for some I get the honor of being their friend.
I get to. Am I qualified? No. Without His leading, I am not qualified at all. But He is qualifying me daily.
Thank goodness.
I love my job. So much so that I intend to continue it. I pray God blesses the rest of this school year. I pray that He continues to stoke the fire that burns deep in my heart for Him. I pray He continually blesses me with the peace and joy that comes from serving in such an amazing environment.
I pray that when these kids look at me, they see Jesus working in me.
I also pray that I am never qualified of my own merit, but that the One who calls me is the One who is doing the qualifying.
"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful." -Hebrews 10:23
Amen.
03 January 2012
Amen
Proverbs 4:23
I can't seem to fall asleep. That is a problem, especially since school starts again tomorrow (technically now today) and I need to be up pretty early.
As my crazy train of a thought process kicked into overdrive this evening, one verse came up repeatedly.
"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." -Proverbs 4:23
This has been a very timely reminder, especially lately. I really haven't been guarding my heart very well and have let it drift into places and towards people that it shouldn't be going anywhere near. Such as mindless crushes. Oy.
I have to constantly remind myself that He has a plan. He holds my future, and when I am where He needs me to be, He will bring into my life the one He has chosen for me. For me to take that into my own hands is absurd.
Ladies, we need to guard our hearts. We need to be careful not to read anything into the actions or words of guys. We need to protect their integrity and ours. We need to quit romanticizing about how we think things should be and let God unfold the love story that He has specifically written for each of us.
Let God be the dream giver, not Disney or Nicholas Sparks or (I can't believe I am even saying this) those creepy kids from Twilight. That is not love (especially not the Twilight thing. That's not even good fiction). Not love like God intends. That is lust. There is a BIG difference. I really think there is an even BIGGER difference in what we perceive love to be as opposed to what God actually says it is.
Singleness is not an island that we need to escape from. This season of life is a gift. What a better time to really draw close to the heart of the Father. I believe as we draw nearer to Him, He draws us nearer to the one He has chosen as we both seek Him with our whole hearts. THAT, my friends, is love.
Until then, we need to take captive every thought and make it obedient to Christ. Every thought. Every emotion. Every little romantic thought. Everything.
Will it be a struggle? Most definitely. What girl doesn't want the handsome prince and the fairytale life? I believe, though, that God's version of this "fairytale" is SO MUCH BETTER than anything we can see or comprehend, and holding out for that is absolutely worth it.
Guard your heart. Let God's love be more than enough.
Ok, now that I have that off my mind....time for sleep......
As my crazy train of a thought process kicked into overdrive this evening, one verse came up repeatedly.
"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." -Proverbs 4:23
This has been a very timely reminder, especially lately. I really haven't been guarding my heart very well and have let it drift into places and towards people that it shouldn't be going anywhere near. Such as mindless crushes. Oy.
I have to constantly remind myself that He has a plan. He holds my future, and when I am where He needs me to be, He will bring into my life the one He has chosen for me. For me to take that into my own hands is absurd.
Ladies, we need to guard our hearts. We need to be careful not to read anything into the actions or words of guys. We need to protect their integrity and ours. We need to quit romanticizing about how we think things should be and let God unfold the love story that He has specifically written for each of us.
Let God be the dream giver, not Disney or Nicholas Sparks or (I can't believe I am even saying this) those creepy kids from Twilight. That is not love (especially not the Twilight thing. That's not even good fiction). Not love like God intends. That is lust. There is a BIG difference. I really think there is an even BIGGER difference in what we perceive love to be as opposed to what God actually says it is.
Singleness is not an island that we need to escape from. This season of life is a gift. What a better time to really draw close to the heart of the Father. I believe as we draw nearer to Him, He draws us nearer to the one He has chosen as we both seek Him with our whole hearts. THAT, my friends, is love.
Until then, we need to take captive every thought and make it obedient to Christ. Every thought. Every emotion. Every little romantic thought. Everything.
Will it be a struggle? Most definitely. What girl doesn't want the handsome prince and the fairytale life? I believe, though, that God's version of this "fairytale" is SO MUCH BETTER than anything we can see or comprehend, and holding out for that is absolutely worth it.
Guard your heart. Let God's love be more than enough.
Ok, now that I have that off my mind....time for sleep......
02 January 2012
Do Hard Things
It's the year, friends, to do hard things.
It's the year to get out of our comfort zones and go out of our way to make a stranger into a friend.
It's the year to let go of all of those things we hold onto and let Him be the navigator.
It's the year to be bold in our faith, no matter how foolish it looks to everyone else.
It's the year to not let fear hold us back from His plan for our lives.
It's the year to not be consumed by materialism but to give our time and money to those who have none.
It's the year, my friends, to stop making excuses as to why we don't read our Bibles or pray or have a solid relationship with Jesus Christ.
It's the year to stop making excuses as to why we don't think we need community. Believe me, you do.
It's the year to take Jesus at His Word.
It's the year to stop being a consumer and start being a participant.
It's the year to get off the bench and get in the game.
It's the year to quit blaming life on others and start taking responsibility for our actions.
It's the year to be grateful for every breath instead of being upset about not getting what we want.
It's the year to be more selfless and less selfish.
It's the year to let go of our dependence on things and give it completely to Jesus.
It's the year to go out of our way for someone, regardless if it is inconvenient.
It's the year to make time for people and invest in their lives.
It's the year to strengthen our Christian community.
It's the year to stop making excuses.
It's the year to start being a Christ follower and everything that goes along with being one.
It's the year to come out of hiding and start being an active member of the body of Christ.
It's the year to know that God is God and really live it.
It's the year to live intentionally, love intentionally, and grow intentionally.
It's the year to do hard things.
Don't worry, we are all in this to cheer one another on and to walk each other through it. You are not alone.
Ready?
Game on.
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