Friends, let me just tell you about the rollercoaster that has been the past five days. This also might be a little all over the place as my brain is a little tired...hang in there. Here we go.
First, let me bring everyone up to speed. A surgery date has been set. This surgery is for a full hysterectomy to remove cancer in my uterus. At this point, Dr. Erickson will also biopsy lymph nodes surrounding my uterus and test those to make sure that it has not spread anywhere else. The surgery is scheduled for 1:30 PM on August 5 at the U of M in the Twin Cities. The procedure will be laparoscopic, so less invasive than being completely opened up. The recovery time is less as well, which is very beneficial.
Oy. So in less than a month I will be cancer free. That is the plan.
A lot is going on in my head right now. Can I be really honest, friends? There is so much about this whole thing that scares me. I am very well aware of the fact that God holds me very firmly in His hands and that He's got me. He has had me this whole time and continues to comfort and console me, even now. I also believe that I am in very good hands when it comes to this surgery.
I guess I find myself a little fearful of the unknowns. I have never been under during surgery that long. I don't know if there will be complications. I don't know if there will be more cancer. I don't know what happens past August 5. I don't have a recovery plan, let alone where that recovery is going to happen or who is going to be around to help out. Nothing is figured out and that part freaks me out, too. I'm praying with expectation and desperation that God brings calm to my heart and peace to those rebellious thoughts that want to overrun my mind with scenarios that cause worry where worry doesn't need to be.
I also just want to make it through surgery. By the time of my surgery, I should be to the goal weight set for me by my dietician and nutritionist. However, there is still risk involved doing surgery like this on someone of my size. I hate that last sentence so much. I had my whole life to prevent that from happening and wasted so much time not doing anything about my health. And now here we are. I'm less than a month from surgery to remove cancer from my body and I am worried about whether or not I am going to survive the surgery. This was all preventable. Yeah. Let that sink in for a minute. It's been sinking in for me for the last eight months. My friend T asked me earlier today what my biggest regret was. I think this actually might be it. Not taking care of myself when it mattered the most.
So that's a lot. Sorry friends. This is just me being really honest because I need to be. Ultimately, though, Jesus claims the victory here. He always has and always will. Regardless of my fears, I do believe that I am on the verge of being done with this battle. He will give me the strength to fight this one more time and on the other side of it, I will find victory. He will defeat this cancer and I will get the chance to continue getting more and more healthy. All for His glory, not mine.
Alright, I think I have shared enough for one evening. I am sure I will have more information as the surgery gets a little closer. For right now, though, your prayers are always appreciated. This journey has been long and tiring. I am worn out and exhausted and ready to be done with it. Just a little while longer and hopefully, I will be. Thank you, dear ones. You are dearly loved and highly favored. I am blessed by each and every one of you daily.
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