Now That the Date Is Set, Let's Be Real Honest

Friends, let me just tell you about the rollercoaster that has been the past five days. This also might be a little all over the place as my brain is a little tired...hang in there. Here we go.

First, let me bring everyone up to speed. A surgery date has been set. This surgery is for a full hysterectomy to remove cancer in my uterus. At this point, Dr. Erickson will also biopsy lymph nodes surrounding my uterus and test those to make sure that it has not spread anywhere else. The surgery is scheduled for 1:30 PM on August 5 at the U of M in the Twin Cities. The procedure will be laparoscopic, so less invasive than being completely opened up. The recovery time is less as well, which is very beneficial.

Oy. So in less than a month I will be cancer free. That is the plan.

A lot is going on in my head right now. Can I be really honest, friends? There is so much about this whole thing that scares me. I am very well aware of the fact that God holds me very firmly in His hands and that He's got me. He has had me this whole time and continues to comfort and console me, even now. I also believe that I am in very good hands when it comes to this surgery.

I guess I find myself a little fearful of the unknowns. I have never been under during surgery that long. I don't know if there will be complications. I don't know if there will be more cancer. I don't know what happens past August 5. I don't have a recovery plan, let alone where that recovery is going to happen or who is going to be around to help out. Nothing is figured out and that part freaks me out, too. I'm praying with expectation and desperation that God brings calm to my heart and peace to those rebellious thoughts that want to overrun my mind with scenarios that cause worry where worry doesn't need to be.

I also just want to make it through surgery.  By the time of my surgery, I should be to the goal weight set for me by my dietician and nutritionist. However, there is still risk involved doing surgery like this on someone of my size. I hate that last sentence so much. I had my whole life to prevent that from happening and wasted so much time not doing anything about my health. And now here we are. I'm less than a month from surgery to remove cancer from my body and I am worried about whether or not I am going to survive the surgery. This was all preventable. Yeah. Let that sink in for a minute. It's been sinking in for me for the last eight months. My friend T asked me earlier today what my biggest regret was. I think this actually might be it. Not taking care of myself when it mattered the most.

So that's a lot. Sorry friends. This is just me being really honest because I need to be. Ultimately, though, Jesus claims the victory here. He always has and always will. Regardless of my fears, I do believe that I am on the verge of being done with this battle. He will give me the strength to fight this one more time and on the other side of it, I will find victory. He will defeat this cancer and I will get the chance to continue getting more and more healthy.  All for His glory, not mine. 

Alright, I think I have shared enough for one evening. I am sure I will have more information as the surgery gets a little closer. For right now, though, your prayers are always appreciated. This journey has been long and tiring. I am worn out and exhausted and ready to be done with it. Just a little while longer and hopefully, I will be. Thank you, dear ones. You are dearly loved and highly favored. I am blessed by each and every one of you daily.

Results...Finally

Friends, I just want to say a great big thank you for your prayers and words of encouragement. It helps so much more than I can even begin to explain. You are as important in this process as my care team and I am so glad that I have you along on this journey with me. Alright, onward to the results.

This past Friday I met with a new oncologist, Dr. Erickson, and her team at the University of Minnesota Masonic Cancer Center for a second opinion. From beginning to end, the process was very different than my first go around with my other oncologist. I felt like I was really listened to, and I also felt like every question or concern I had was directly addressed. Dr. Erickson did a biopsy that day so that they could get an accurate picture of where the cancer is at right now seven months after my diagnosis. She also ordered an MRI, which I had on Wednesday, with the results being sent to the U of M.

Sidenote: From here on out, I'm not going to mention the other place because I don't want to be that person that talks garbage about a place on the interwebs. It wasn't a good fit for me. It might be an excellent fit for other people, it just wasn't a good fit for me. I harbor no ill will towards them, and you shouldn't either. Shalom. Moving on.

Today Dr. Erickson called with the results of the biopsy. The cancer hasn't grown and it hasn't regressed. It is still exactly the same size as it was seven months ago so the IUD has done a good job of controlling the symptoms, but little else. The thought when it was placed was that the IUD would stop the growth and potentially the growth would regress. None of this has happened. Again, it's not a slam to the other place. Sometimes these treatments work and sometimes they don't. In my case, it worked for the symptoms, but not the disease itself. It's individual to the body of the person. We are still waiting on the MRI results, but I think it will be the same story with that as well.

So the next conversation we will be having is about surgery. Dr. Erickson wants to schedule my surgery before the year mark, which is October 31. She also mentioned that she would be willing to talk about doing it sooner, so I am going to see if we can schedule the surgery for August. That conversation will happen in the next day or two.

All in all, progress is being made. Praise GOD! I have a lot of peace about this, you guys. God has really held me and given me strength through all of this. I am sorry if this has been information overload in the last few days. I know it can get old hearing the same thing from me all of the time. How can I be praying for you, friends? It can't always be about me. What's going on with you? :)

As I have updates, I will post them. Feel free to ask questions, drop me a line, etc. I will be at camp this summer and I love mail! My address there will be:

Lori Olivier
60402 Elbow Lake Rd.
Finlayson, MN 55735

Have a great evening, dear ones!

A Second Opinion

Good evening, friends. I wanted to give a little update on where life is right now.  It's a little scattered because I am a little tired, but you will get the gist. 

Earlier this week I called my oncology office to schedule my next appointment with my oncologist. I thought the next appointment would have been scheduled in April when I was at the oncology office, but they said they would call. When a month passed and I still hadn't received a phone call, I decided to call myself. The first phone call was unsuccessful, and the woman who does the scheduling for my oncologist seemed surprised that I was calling to schedule my appointment. She then asked if she could call me back after she had talked with the nurse practitioner who saw me in April.  

The next day I received a call back from the oncology office. They told me that I would not, in fact, be seeing my oncologist, but that I would be seeing the nurse practitioner again in August and that I would need a pelvic ultrasound the week before the appointment. I asked why I would not be seeing my oncologist. The scheduler told me that I would have to discuss that with the nurse practitioner at my next appointment.

I have not seen my oncologist since December. It is now May. Why haven't I seen my cancer doctor since December? I am thoroughly confounded by this. This can't be normal. Granted it is a slow-growing type of cancer, but it is cancer nonetheless. It is still cancer. It is still in my body. I would hope that my oncology team would take it more seriously than an appointment once every four months. However, every time I question anyone there, I do not get a clear answer. 

Yesterday, I went on the U of M Health website. This is the place where I go for my dietician and nutritionist. I searched for gynecological oncology, and they have an entire department devoted to it, so I filled out an online request for an appointment. Today, I received a phone call and scheduled an appointment for a second opinion on my treatment at MHealth on May 31. I figure that it can't hurt to get a second opinion and see if treatment somewhere else would be different. Perhaps there could be more consistency or at least there could be some answers to the many questions that I have.  Or it could be the same thing I experienced at my oncologist. I think it is worth finding out for my own peace of mind that I took every avenue possible to get the best care possible. 

As always, your prayers are appreciated. Thank you, friends. I know this journey can be a rough one, but I am blessed that you are all walking with me through it. God knows what He is doing and I need to trust Him. He holds me firmly in His hands and He is masterfully writing my present and my future. God bless you, dear ones. 

Holding Patterns

I am in a holding pattern....for now.

Four months ago I scheduled an appointment with my oncology office. They told me when the appointment was scheduled that it was an appointment with Dr. Casey, my oncologist. As the appointment crept closer, reminder emails through the office's online portal kept reminding me: "You have an appointment on April 11, 2019, with Dr. C. Casey at 11:00 AM." I was convinced I was having an appointment with my oncologist on April 11, 2019.

Then yesterday happened. I show up to the appointment early, because weather, fill out some forms, and find out once I am in the back that I am not, in fact, seeing Dr. Casey for my oncology appointment. I am, however, seeing a nurse practitioner, for a routine follow-up of the surgery that was performed in December. Needless to say, I was...shocked? Confused? Baffled? MANY reminder emails. Three reminder phone calls. All of which reminding me to show up to my appointment WITH DR. CASEY. Nope. This was not that appointment.

So, when do I see Dr. Casey? In three months. IN THREE MORE MONTHS. 

I sat with this yesterday for a while, deciding what to do with this information. I allowed myself a solid 24-hour period to throw my 5-year old temper tantrum. I was pretty angry and upset. I had built that appointment up, thinking that I was going to get some answers. Knowing that won't come for three more months felt like every bad dad joke put on a cd, stuck in a cd player, put on repeat, and rigged so you can't get it back out and are doomed to listen to it for the rest of your natural born life.

Too much? You're welcome. I don't love that analogy, but it took me a while to type it out so I'm going to leave it there.

The more I thought about this, though, the more positives I started to see in it.

1). I haven't hit my goal weight yet. I have three extra months to get there. That's actually pretty nice.
2). I get to go with the CMCS elementary D.I. team to Kansas City for Globals, which is pretty fantastic! I can't wait!
3). I have the month of May pretty wide open. Anyone have some work for me? Poor college student. Will work.
4). I'm not going to have to stress about surgery yet. That was actually a big stress I wasn't wanting to take on right now. I was willing to, but not ready for it.
5). I have more time to pack. More time to move. More time to actually figure life out. It's good.

This isn't altogether a bad thing.

I am just hoping that this holding pattern is easier to deal with than the last holding pattern I was in. I think it will be. There won't be as much stress as the last one (I hope). It's also shorter. Three months instead of four. I am doing my best to find all of the optimism that can be found. I think I am getting there.

Friends, there are going to still be days when that optimism won't be there. There are still going to be days when hiding from the world and crying is going to be my best bet for the day. I hear that's pretty normal. However, I am trying to stay away from that as much as I can. I'm trying my best to not be whiny and complain and be a downer about everything. I'm trying.

In the end, it's all going to be okay. Is it still frustrating? Yes. Is it manageable? Yes. Does God got it? Absolutely. He always does. Why should I worry when the One who holds the universe is holding my future as well? Yeah, reassurance that He's got it already is pretty awesome. Why we ever doubt Him is beyond me.

So, friends, that is the latest. Again, thank you all for your continued prayer and support. I couldn't do it without you. :) Have a blessed day.

Homeward Bound, An Incredible Journey

I have decided that even if no one reads this, I'm going to post it anyway. Here we go.

I made the decision to not come back to BSU next year. In fact, I'm not going to be in Bemidji, either. I just want to go home. 

There are some pretty legit reasons for this. First off, if you were to see the pile of medical bills I have accumulated this year, you would understand. I am finding that I am not really able to keep my head above water trying to keep up with the frequency in which they show up in my mailbox daily and the dwindling numbers of my bank account that cannot keep up with those increasing statements. It's overwhelming. I need a job that pays me way more than what I make as a G.A. if I hope to dig my way out of this mountain of medical mayhem. 

The good thing that happened this month is that I finally qualified for medical assistance, which will take care of a good chunk of everything that is coming. However, that won't address much of the devastation that has already happened. That is still on me. So, here we are. 

Cancer isn't cheap. The medical establishments are making a pretty penny off of this broke graduate student. There are lots of little costs that add up. Let me break this down for you: Pathologists. Radiologists. Oncologists. Anesthesiologists.  All of the -gists. Plus doctors appointments galore for various things. Blood work and panels. MRI's and CT scans. Not to mention the gas it takes to drive four hours each way to the cities each time I need to make my appointments, maintenance on my car, the bill every time my insurance was rejected or didn't cover something. The medications at the pharmacy, new medications, and refills, experimental stuff that may or may not work, etc. And then the surgery bill that comes with a whole new itemized list of things I never knew I needed to pay for. This on top of my own monthly expenses leaves me hemorrhaging money faster than I can make it. It's an epidemic and one that I cannot afford to keep on trying to put a band-aid on and admitting isn't secretly keeping me up until all hours of the night.  

It just never seems to end. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. I think the financial part of this stresses me out more than anything else does.  

The other reason I am leaving Bemidji is distance. Distance to my medical team, my friends, and my family. Do I know where I am going? Nope. I would like to land somewhere back in the West Central Minnesota area (if anyone knows of any good Para jobs in the Willmar/Prinsburg area, holler at your girl). I would love to be back at Central working with the kiddos there, but that doesn't look too likely. I really just need to be back with my community of support. If this year has taught me anything, it definitely has been that going through things like this alone is a bad idea. In fact, doing life by oneself is a bad idea in general. I would also like to be closer to my doctors and within a driveable distance where I don't have to schedule out an ENTIRE DAY just to make it work. I also really need to be closer to my family. I am five hours away from them right now. This is unacceptable. Absolutely unacceptable. 

I need to take a breath. Call me a quitter. I don't really care. I just know I can't stay here. I have camp to look forward to this summer, which gives me hope and joy. I love camp. However, anything past that is kind of a big old mystery. I'm not sure where I will be. I don't know anything right now. I know God does, but He doesn't seem to be too keen on giving those answers up right now. I do trust Him, though. He will open doors that I don't know about yet. 

And in the meantime, I will finish strong here. I can't say I will miss Bemidji, because I won't. At all. Sorry, Bemidji. We aren't really friends. Don't take it too personally. It just wasn't meant to be.

So that's what I have for now, friends. I am sure I will post again after my oncology appointment next Thursday. Until then, thanks for stopping by. God bless your day. Again, thanks for hanging in there with me. I know it's a lot, but I really can't do this without you. I thank God every day for each and every one of you. 

Limbo AKA Waiting for April 11

Welcome back to the blog. I don't want my blogs to seem whiny, so I am sorry if they have been. That's not the intent. Ever.  I use this as a place to get things out of my head because I need to. As an English major person, the written word is my weapon of choice when trying to articulate emotions of any kind. I fail often at the verbal kinds of emoting. This is going to be a blog vomit kind of situation. I apologize in advance. So if you made it with me this far, thank you. 

I feel like I am in limbo. Right now, there is no definite yes or no on anything. It's been five months since my diagnosis. It will be five months tomorrow since Dr. Soderberg told me I had cancer. And it's still there. Still hanging out, waiting for us to do something about it, taking up space. I feel really helpless in doing anything. I am losing weight like they told me. Watching what I eat. Exercising. Doing all the things I'm supposed to be doing. However, none of that addresses the cancer directly, so I'm not really sure what to do about that as my brain can't seem to wrap itself around that aspect of this whole thing.

People ask me all the time what kind of treatment I've had or what my oncologist is doing to treat it. When I say nothing, other than the December surgery, I get this weird look. Yeah, don't worry, I feel that, too. I feel uncertainty in that look. Like, can't they do more? Is there nothing to be done? Did you get a second opinion? What are you waiting for? Why are you waiting so long? What if it spreads? What then? Oh, believe me. These questions haunt my nightmares, too. A lot. It's this constant conversation I have with God as I beg Him to take my fear and anger and anxiety about the whole thing away. And He does. He calms me down. He makes it better. That's about that moment a well-timed text or phone call comes. Just in time to save me from my thoughts. Just in time to get me out of my own head and bring His assurance that He has this figured out. He will have the victory, of that I am assured. 

I do, sometimes, feel like I am in no man's land, though. That's honest. I am stuck in this chasm of not knowing. April 11 is my next oncology appointment. The days and hours are dragging to this appointment. This is the appointment that determines surgery. I have no idea what to expect. Since little to no communication has actually happened since my surgery in December between myself and my oncology team other than about my bill, I really have no idea what is going on. Maybe ignorance is bliss. I just hope my progress is enough for my doctor and she will proceed and set a surgery date. Here's hoping. The waiting is frustrating. 

It would be nice to have answers. I feel like answers have been a long time coming. What is the next step? Really, that's all I need. I can't take my next step until I know their next step. I am limbo-ing in place and getting weary from the dance. Sometimes it feels like life is going on all around me and I am just at a standstill awaiting an answer that is just out of reach. It's coming, though. On April 11, one way or another, there is an answer. I have three appointments that day. My oncologist, my dietician, and my nutritionist. It's going to be a good time. 

Sorry, friends. Sitting at this Caribou typing this out and hoping someone will read it makes me feel like I am connected to someone out there. It's been a pretty lonely day and I feel a million miles away from all of the people whom I care about and who care about me. It's been a little rough. I am trying to find my sunny, optimistic self today, but it is hard and I just have to admit that it's been kind of a crappy day in the uplifting department. I think it's okay to admit when I'm having a not so great day. It can't be rainbows and sunshine all the time. That's not realistic.  And I think being realistic about the things I struggle with is better than sugar-coating the struggle because that doesn't help, either. I just need a couple (or a few hundred) hugs, a good cry, and my friends and family. I can't do it alone, and I don't want to. That's why I need you guys to pray, to be there, to just generally be your awesome selves. Support system, assemble! Don't worry, I'm really okay. It's just been a day, you know? I'm good. God's got me. He'll bring back my joy today. He always does. 

God bless you, my dear friends. He'll get me through this. Thanks for reading/listening. I am grateful and thankful for all of you. 

When Food Feels Like the Enemy

"The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." -Lao Tzu

These past few months have been quite a journey, my friends. 

So, part of the stipulation of my being able to get the surgery I need to remove the cancer in my body is that I have to lose 100 lbs to do so. So far, 40 lbs of that has been shed. So far. 

What I didn't realize was the mental battle that I would face head-on when I took on this challenge. At first, it wasn't too bad. The massive amounts of hormones I was on to keep me from bleeding were messing up my stomach, so my appetite wasn't there anyway. I wasn't hungry, wasn't eating more than one meal a day, and was losing weight without even trying. They were also messing with my sense of taste, so sweet things were too sweet and drinking caffeinated anything made me super jittery, so those things came out of my diet pretty easily.

After my first procedure when I was taken off the hormones, things started leveling off. My dietician and nutritionist put me on a high protein, low carb program, consuming 1,200-1,400 calories/day.  This was when it started getting harder. I was overly conscious of everything I was putting in my mouth. I second guessed every food choice. Analyzed every calorie, every carb, everything that I was allowing myself to eat during the day. I was afraid that EVERYTHING I would eat was putting weight back on instead of taking it off. It became a game in my head every single day and instead of food becoming this source of nutrition and energy, it became this enemy that I felt like I was constantly fighting to keep weight off in a fight against cancer I can't do anything about. It's really easy to let the enemy of your soul in when your defenses are down.  

Through God's Word, I have been trying to change the way I think about my body and its relationship with food. When I view my body as a temple of the Holy Spirit, instead of food being the enemy I fight against, I have to think of it as the ally that is helping me in the fight to rid my body of the invader that doesn't belong there. We are a team, and the only way that it works is if we work together. This is way easier said than done most days, but it gets a little easier each day I change my thinking to a team mentality. I am a work in progress. Slow and steady, but a work in progress. 

I have a long ways to go, friends. My next appointment with my dietician and nutritionist is February 14 (a fun Valentine's Day treat for me). My goal is to be down another ten pounds by then. My next oncology appointment is April 11 (my sister-in-law's birthday), which I am hoping and praying that I am down enough weight wise to finally set a surgery date.  

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race that is marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith..." -Hebrews 12:1-2a (NIV).

I want to run this race well, but I know that it is a marathon, not a sprint. God has been so faithful in protecting my heart and my mind from the enemy. He knows what I need and how to redirect the path of my thoughts. I am grateful for your prayers, your encouragement, and your support, friends. It means the world to me. What a ride, but I can't imagine taking this ride without God directing it. Here's to the next leg of the journey. Ready...set...