Homeward Bound, An Incredible Journey

I have decided that even if no one reads this, I'm going to post it anyway. Here we go.

I made the decision to not come back to BSU next year. In fact, I'm not going to be in Bemidji, either. I just want to go home. 

There are some pretty legit reasons for this. First off, if you were to see the pile of medical bills I have accumulated this year, you would understand. I am finding that I am not really able to keep my head above water trying to keep up with the frequency in which they show up in my mailbox daily and the dwindling numbers of my bank account that cannot keep up with those increasing statements. It's overwhelming. I need a job that pays me way more than what I make as a G.A. if I hope to dig my way out of this mountain of medical mayhem. 

The good thing that happened this month is that I finally qualified for medical assistance, which will take care of a good chunk of everything that is coming. However, that won't address much of the devastation that has already happened. That is still on me. So, here we are. 

Cancer isn't cheap. The medical establishments are making a pretty penny off of this broke graduate student. There are lots of little costs that add up. Let me break this down for you: Pathologists. Radiologists. Oncologists. Anesthesiologists.  All of the -gists. Plus doctors appointments galore for various things. Blood work and panels. MRI's and CT scans. Not to mention the gas it takes to drive four hours each way to the cities each time I need to make my appointments, maintenance on my car, the bill every time my insurance was rejected or didn't cover something. The medications at the pharmacy, new medications, and refills, experimental stuff that may or may not work, etc. And then the surgery bill that comes with a whole new itemized list of things I never knew I needed to pay for. This on top of my own monthly expenses leaves me hemorrhaging money faster than I can make it. It's an epidemic and one that I cannot afford to keep on trying to put a band-aid on and admitting isn't secretly keeping me up until all hours of the night.  

It just never seems to end. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. I think the financial part of this stresses me out more than anything else does.  

The other reason I am leaving Bemidji is distance. Distance to my medical team, my friends, and my family. Do I know where I am going? Nope. I would like to land somewhere back in the West Central Minnesota area (if anyone knows of any good Para jobs in the Willmar/Prinsburg area, holler at your girl). I would love to be back at Central working with the kiddos there, but that doesn't look too likely. I really just need to be back with my community of support. If this year has taught me anything, it definitely has been that going through things like this alone is a bad idea. In fact, doing life by oneself is a bad idea in general. I would also like to be closer to my doctors and within a driveable distance where I don't have to schedule out an ENTIRE DAY just to make it work. I also really need to be closer to my family. I am five hours away from them right now. This is unacceptable. Absolutely unacceptable. 

I need to take a breath. Call me a quitter. I don't really care. I just know I can't stay here. I have camp to look forward to this summer, which gives me hope and joy. I love camp. However, anything past that is kind of a big old mystery. I'm not sure where I will be. I don't know anything right now. I know God does, but He doesn't seem to be too keen on giving those answers up right now. I do trust Him, though. He will open doors that I don't know about yet. 

And in the meantime, I will finish strong here. I can't say I will miss Bemidji, because I won't. At all. Sorry, Bemidji. We aren't really friends. Don't take it too personally. It just wasn't meant to be.

So that's what I have for now, friends. I am sure I will post again after my oncology appointment next Thursday. Until then, thanks for stopping by. God bless your day. Again, thanks for hanging in there with me. I know it's a lot, but I really can't do this without you. I thank God every day for each and every one of you.