This has been quite a year, let me tell you. Wow. So many changes. Here's my homage to 2013.
#1 Weight Loss- This year I decided that it was time to get healthy. Time to shed some weight. It was time. So, since March I have lost 40 lbs. I thought it would be more, but no one ever really prepares you for the mental battle of losing weight after having it for so long. The physical part was easy....walking, eating right. That stuff was simple. However, the emotional toll that it has taken, the mental retraining that has to happen is so hard. Years and years of repressing feelings with food and telling myself blatant lies that I started to buy into as truth started surfacing making the struggle way more real than I felt comfortable dealing with. But right now, this is where I am. Maintaining and letting God overwrite those areas of lies with the light and beauty of His truth about me. Knowing that I stand on a place of victory and that 2014 is going to see more of those lbs coming off and a more confident and grounded me emerging. I can't wait. This journey has been hard, but I have a God who can do immeasurably more than I could ever comprehend. Let the healing continue.
#2 A New Position- I was blessed to be put into a full-time position at school as librarian for 4k-12. Let me tell you, this has been quite the transition but one that I have been thankful to be a part of. We built part of our new school and with all of that change we all needed to get used to each other. It's been challenging. Some days have been tougher than others. However, I wouldn't want to be anywhere else and I am grateful to God for putting me where I am and growing me through my own insecurities. I am learning day by day, step by step that I don't have to have it all figured out. He already has it figured out and I need to trust that completely. I need to throw my own agenda aside.
#3 Stepping Out of Ministry- Joppa is a beautiful ministry. It is a wonderful place for young adults to go to build community with one another and to do life together. I was a part of the ministry for ten years. After a decade of membership, God and I decided it was time to step away. He was calling me to be a part of this new experience and all of the change going on at CMCS so I took my leave. Joppa will always have a very special place in my heart. And who knows, maybe one day I will go back to it. I can't say that with certainty because I don't know what God has planned for me. Joppa will continue to be a refuge for young adults who are trying to figure out who they are and where they fit in this crazy, messed up world. Thank You, Lord, for the years I spent there and bless those who are still there lighting the path for others to see You more clearly. As far as YATEC, the jury is still out on that one. All I know is where He has me, and that is more than enough right now.
#4 Camp, Camp, Camp- It was another wonderful summer at camp. It's so weird because I feel like I have this whole other life with this whole other group of friends apart from my life in Prinsburg. Sometimes I feel like a secret agent with double lives. I am blessed by the kids I get to hang out with, the staff that I get to know, and even though problems come and things don't always go the way we think they should it is NOT the end of the world. Life moves on. Unfortunately, since we all live so far away from each other, it's hard to keep in touch. But maybe a few of them will resurface again this summer and for two months of the year we will have this incredible experience known as Northwoods Camp.
#5 Faith and Life- I would be lying if I said this year was easy. It was not. I have definitely had moments where I questioned what He was doing in my life. I have definitely questioned why certain things happened and wondered what I could possibly learn from them. I have had moments when I felt so distant from Him and wondered where He went. He didn't leave, though. I did. I wandered away and needed my Shepherd to come and get me. Yet again, God is sovereign. He is also extremely patient. He knows my struggles and He knew I needed someone to be able to walk alongside of me. This year, I found a mentor. She is incredible and I am blessed. God continually shows me His goodness and love through her. It's His family and it is pretty awesome. I am also really enjoying my church family. Instead of just showing up on Sunday's I find that I want to be more actively involved. I want to contribute the talents and gifts He has has blessed me with. I want to be an active participant in the body of Christ. I think God has used this year so that He could get my priorities straight. And He will continue to do that because I am stubborn and selfish. I am sure it will take a few more Holy Spirit conks to this thick head to remind me of His plan. Slow process? Yes. Worth it? Absolutely.
#6 Family- I love my family. Big changes happened this year. My youngest brother moved to South Korea AND got married. I gained a new sister-in-law this year! My niece and nephew are growing up far too fast. They are so precious and I am blessed that God put them in our family. They bring so much joy to us all. There is still struggle with my second oldest brother, however. I pray one day he will remember that we are his family and want to come back and be with us. For now, though, he is so angry and defiant. God can change his heart. I just know it. My oldest brother and sister-in-law are doing well. They are in the process of remodeling their kitchen. My dad and step mom are doing fairly well. Elke just had another hip replacement surgery so she is still recovering from that. My dad is still trucking and is switching companies again so that he can be closer to home with a more consistent schedule. He isn't a spring chicken anymore and we would like to see him off the road and retired. But that's not my dad. He can't just sit at home and do nothing. If he is at home for too long he might knock a wall out and try remodeling the house...which doesn't need remodeling. My step family is also doing well. We all were able to have Thanksgiving together this year. I really enjoy talking with my stepsister, Heidi. I think we could be good friends. Such is my family. And I am grateful for them.
It's been a year of ups and downs. Walking away from familiarity and into uncertainty. But really, why should we stay where we are comfortable? Doesn't God ask us to take a risk, step out of our comfort zone, and TRUST Him? I think that has been His big lesson for me this year. Trusting His will and the unknown that comes with that and laying aside what I think is best. His best for me will always trump anything I could think up.
Tonight I get to ring in the new year with friends. We will play games, eat foot, probably watch the ball drop and welcome in a new year.
So here's to 2014. 365 empty pages waiting to be filled. Full of great possibilities and adventures. God bless.
31 December 2013
25 August 2013
Connected....But Not Really
You know, I remember a time without internet.
I know, shocking. I actually did not go onto the internet until I was probably a freshman in high school? Maybe a sophomore? And we certainly didn't have internet at our house before I was out of high school. Or cell phones. And guess what?
I survived. Praise the Lord.
And one day I will be able to tell my grandchildren (God willing He provides me that beautiful opportunity) that I was alive before the internet and that information will blow their minds. I can't wait.
And now? I can't seem to live without it. It's the easiest way for me to update my family and friends (but mostly my family) on what is happening in my life here in Prinsburg. Whether it is this building project or camp stuff or day to day life stuff, they can log into Facebook and keep up with me and I with them.
But is it TOO convenient? Too easy? Perhaps too isolating?
Facebook is addicting. And now I have this thing called snapchat. It's fun, but doesn't really replace my need to communicate face to face with someone. And I tire of trying to figure it all out. The things that are suppose to make it easier to keep in touch with people are the very things that create a barrier.
Perhaps the barrier is okay, though, in some circumstances. I suppose if people really wanted to stay in touch they would try. And maybe I am old fashioned when it comes to community and communication. I like to be able to sit across from someone, perhaps with a cup of coffee or tea or something, and talk. Like we used to. In the good old days (yep, I just went there). You know, before Facebook and Yahoo Messenger and AOL and Twitter and Snapchat and Instagram and Skype and Facetime....and the list goes on and on and on and on and on.
For those of us who aren't so technological, all of this looks absolutely insane. From the outside looking in, I am just shocked that for being SO connected, and sometimes overly so, that people are still lonely. That suicide rates are as high as they are. That depression is such a huge epidemic. And that value and worth are coming from how many likes you get or if someone comments on your photo or status.
Let me drop this on you: Jesus is your value. Your worth. He is connectivity like we have never seen. All places at all times. Omnipresent. Omniscient. All encompassing. Personal. Real. Authentic. Relational. He can give all of those social media things a run for their money.
I pray that this generation of high schoolers and college students and young adults would see their worth in who God has created them to be. How many times you have been retweeted is not your value. How many likes you received for a Facebook status does not determine who you are. How many snapchats you received in a day or how much time you logged on Skype does not set the stage for how valued you are. YOU ARE ALREADY VALUED AND DEARLY LOVED BY THE ONLY OPINION THAT IS WORTH VALUE. And that love has a name, and that name is Jesus Christ. Do you know? You are already accepted. Already. His Word tells us so. Seriously, take Him at His Word.
I guess we could all use a time of disconnecting...not from each other, but from social media. Get back to the heart of what genuine, fulfilling conversation is. Dive into community and communication with the same aggressiveness that we use for all of that internet stuff. Find authentic relationships instead of the Skyped ones. Do life together in person, not via someones computer or mobile device. Seek out the community around you and develop friendships. Be what the body of Christ is intended to be because deep down, we all crave community. There is just something so precious about just being able to sit with people even if no one is saying a word. Sometimes it's the purpose of sitting and being present that some people need so that they know that they are not alone. So that you know you are not alone. God designed community to be this beautiful, interconnecting relationship. Why take it for granted?
So, when was the last time you actually sat down face to face with someone? I would challenge you to try it this week. And most importantly, sit down and be silent before Jesus and let Him remind you of your value and worth.
His opinion of you is masterfully, amazingly, and uniquely beautiful. He should know best. After all, He created you.
Goodnight.
I know, shocking. I actually did not go onto the internet until I was probably a freshman in high school? Maybe a sophomore? And we certainly didn't have internet at our house before I was out of high school. Or cell phones. And guess what?
I survived. Praise the Lord.
And one day I will be able to tell my grandchildren (God willing He provides me that beautiful opportunity) that I was alive before the internet and that information will blow their minds. I can't wait.
And now? I can't seem to live without it. It's the easiest way for me to update my family and friends (but mostly my family) on what is happening in my life here in Prinsburg. Whether it is this building project or camp stuff or day to day life stuff, they can log into Facebook and keep up with me and I with them.
But is it TOO convenient? Too easy? Perhaps too isolating?
Facebook is addicting. And now I have this thing called snapchat. It's fun, but doesn't really replace my need to communicate face to face with someone. And I tire of trying to figure it all out. The things that are suppose to make it easier to keep in touch with people are the very things that create a barrier.
Perhaps the barrier is okay, though, in some circumstances. I suppose if people really wanted to stay in touch they would try. And maybe I am old fashioned when it comes to community and communication. I like to be able to sit across from someone, perhaps with a cup of coffee or tea or something, and talk. Like we used to. In the good old days (yep, I just went there). You know, before Facebook and Yahoo Messenger and AOL and Twitter and Snapchat and Instagram and Skype and Facetime....and the list goes on and on and on and on and on.
For those of us who aren't so technological, all of this looks absolutely insane. From the outside looking in, I am just shocked that for being SO connected, and sometimes overly so, that people are still lonely. That suicide rates are as high as they are. That depression is such a huge epidemic. And that value and worth are coming from how many likes you get or if someone comments on your photo or status.
Let me drop this on you: Jesus is your value. Your worth. He is connectivity like we have never seen. All places at all times. Omnipresent. Omniscient. All encompassing. Personal. Real. Authentic. Relational. He can give all of those social media things a run for their money.
I pray that this generation of high schoolers and college students and young adults would see their worth in who God has created them to be. How many times you have been retweeted is not your value. How many likes you received for a Facebook status does not determine who you are. How many snapchats you received in a day or how much time you logged on Skype does not set the stage for how valued you are. YOU ARE ALREADY VALUED AND DEARLY LOVED BY THE ONLY OPINION THAT IS WORTH VALUE. And that love has a name, and that name is Jesus Christ. Do you know? You are already accepted. Already. His Word tells us so. Seriously, take Him at His Word.
I guess we could all use a time of disconnecting...not from each other, but from social media. Get back to the heart of what genuine, fulfilling conversation is. Dive into community and communication with the same aggressiveness that we use for all of that internet stuff. Find authentic relationships instead of the Skyped ones. Do life together in person, not via someones computer or mobile device. Seek out the community around you and develop friendships. Be what the body of Christ is intended to be because deep down, we all crave community. There is just something so precious about just being able to sit with people even if no one is saying a word. Sometimes it's the purpose of sitting and being present that some people need so that they know that they are not alone. So that you know you are not alone. God designed community to be this beautiful, interconnecting relationship. Why take it for granted?
So, when was the last time you actually sat down face to face with someone? I would challenge you to try it this week. And most importantly, sit down and be silent before Jesus and let Him remind you of your value and worth.
His opinion of you is masterfully, amazingly, and uniquely beautiful. He should know best. After all, He created you.
Goodnight.
06 August 2013
Communication and a prayer for my camp family
Yeah, life moves forward. Quickly.
Today I went to the new library for the first time since I've been home. I walked in and felt this feeling of being completely overwhelmed and unsure where to even begin in the process of putting this new library together. I took a deep breath. I kept myself from hyperventilating. Thank goodness for Tricia, who is overseeing this project. She has a very calming, take it one step at a time approach that I appreciate.
So now there is a plan. Thank goodness. And the overwhelming panic that had tried to overtake me from before isn't there. And now I can throw myself into this project. Thank goodness for that, too. I am going kinda batty trying to occupy my time and my mind since I got back from camp.
And that moved on, too. The bittersweet part of the whole camp thing is the people that you meet. For six weeks they become close like family. They swear that they will keep in touch. You make a similar promise to them. And then it is done. They move on. You move on. The communication is halted. And unlike most of them, I am from a generation that didn't have to depend on technology to keep in touch. Believe it or not, I was from the generation before the internet...and cell phones (I see that look of shock). And the technology that I use to try and stay in touch feels so foreign and impersonal. We are the most connected we have ever been because of Facebook and texting, but the most lonely we have ever been.
For me, nothing beats a face to face conversation. However, when not everyone you know lives in the same state you do, that is hard. Then I have to rely on modes of communication that I could really be okay without just to keep in touch with people who I may or may not still be communicating with in a month...six months...a year. It helps to have those options, but it is a poor substitute for actual in person, human interaction.
At least when you are with someone, you can hear the inflection in their voice and you can tell what they mean when they say something by their facial expressions and their tone. You lose that with Facebook and snapchat and texting. You write out a sentence, and to you it is taken one way but to someone else it is taken completely different. It takes the personal out of communication.
I guess I can't keep up with these kids. Believe me, I am trying but not successfully. Maybe, because of the generation I grew up in, there is a barrier that keeps me from effectively communicating with them. It's kind of maddening. And maybe that's for the better. One less thing to stress out about.
And if we were honest, if you were a teenager would you want to communicate with a 30-something year old person? I mean, it's cool while you are at camp, but maybe weird and creepy in the real world. Maybe I need to stop trying so hard to be the cool kid. I need to be the adult and pray for them.
Prayer. An extremely effective mode of communication. A direct line to the One who knows our hearts, our thoughts, our hurts, our struggles, and our joys. A beautiful relationship that stems from our God who loves us and love that pours out from hearts that long to know Him intimately.
What a beautiful way to communicate. What a beautiful Savior to communicate with. I don't need to Facebook Him, snapchat Him or text Him and wait for a response. He hears me each time I call out to Him, or cry out to Him. And He is there. Time nor distance separates me from the love of my Father or from His presence. He is steady and He longs for me to interact with Him daily.
I wonder what would happen if we talked to God as frequently as we sent a text? A snapchat? A Facebook message? What would our walk with Him be like if we communicated with Him as freely?
I think it would blow our minds.
So, dear camp friends, I think my energy is better spent in prayer for you. Because God is God and we are family in Christ, we will see each other again. I will make every effort to try and stay connected. I get to go to the cities on Thursday and see some of you, and I greatly look forward to having that time to reconnect face to face. However, if you can't get a hold of me via the endless modes of communication that are out there, don't be offended. Know that I am praying for you. Feel free to let me know what to pray about for you. And I am always here if you need someone to talk to, but not over Facebook. Not through a ten second snapchat. And not via text. Skype I can handle. At least I can see you and talk with you that way. But the most important conversations are the ones where you are on your knees and praying. Don't let the pull of technology take your heart away from God. Don't let that replace hanging out with your friends in person. Don't let that become an idol in your life that takes God's place.
My prayer for you all is that this summer changed you. That you collided in such a tangible way with God that you will never be the same. I pray that as you travel this path called life, that you would allow God to lead you. Follow His path, let His Word be a lamp that guides your steps and let the Truth be the firm foundation that you stand on. Cast your cares, worries, anxieties, heartaches, and fears onto Him, because He is a Father who cares for you and will never let you down. He will not abandon you.
Don't let hurt and hard feelings come between you. Instead, address the problem. Make things right, because goodness knows this life is too short to let things fester or to live with the regret of never offering an apology or accepting one. Allow God to be the center and focus of each relationship, especially the ones right now that are blooming into more than just friendship. Be careful and proceed with God's guidance. You are all so young yet. Let God be the love of your life, and when He is ready, He will bring that right person to you. And not just because you are lonely or because they are cute. He will join you together to bring Him honor and glory above all things. Be patient. Let God grow love in your heart. Don't let the world dictate that, because the world's idea of love and God's idea of love are two completely different things. Let Him write your love story. I guarantee it will be worth it.
My greatest prayer for you is that you KNOW God- intimately, furiously, recklessly. That you would not be ashamed to proclaim His Name in all things that you do. That in everything, God would be honored. If you are going off to college, be a student that honors God in all things. If you are in high school, do everything to the best of your ability for an audience of One. If you are getting into the workforce, give your work days and everything you have as an offering to Him. Let the relationship you have with Jesus be the most important relationship in your life. Don't be afraid of what others say, and don't let anyone look down on you because you are young. Be the beacon of light that a world in darkness needs to see. Set yourself so on fire that those around you have no choice but to watch you burn for Him.
Step into the identity God has already created for you. And then hang on for the greatest adventure of your life.
I love you all, my brothers and sisters in Christ. You are all very near to my heart. I cannot wait to hear how God has moved in your lives and to see what He does with each and every one of you. Just know that I will be cheering you on from the sidelines. God is so proud of you and I am, too.
God bless and take care, family.
Amen.
Today I went to the new library for the first time since I've been home. I walked in and felt this feeling of being completely overwhelmed and unsure where to even begin in the process of putting this new library together. I took a deep breath. I kept myself from hyperventilating. Thank goodness for Tricia, who is overseeing this project. She has a very calming, take it one step at a time approach that I appreciate.
So now there is a plan. Thank goodness. And the overwhelming panic that had tried to overtake me from before isn't there. And now I can throw myself into this project. Thank goodness for that, too. I am going kinda batty trying to occupy my time and my mind since I got back from camp.
And that moved on, too. The bittersweet part of the whole camp thing is the people that you meet. For six weeks they become close like family. They swear that they will keep in touch. You make a similar promise to them. And then it is done. They move on. You move on. The communication is halted. And unlike most of them, I am from a generation that didn't have to depend on technology to keep in touch. Believe it or not, I was from the generation before the internet...and cell phones (I see that look of shock). And the technology that I use to try and stay in touch feels so foreign and impersonal. We are the most connected we have ever been because of Facebook and texting, but the most lonely we have ever been.
For me, nothing beats a face to face conversation. However, when not everyone you know lives in the same state you do, that is hard. Then I have to rely on modes of communication that I could really be okay without just to keep in touch with people who I may or may not still be communicating with in a month...six months...a year. It helps to have those options, but it is a poor substitute for actual in person, human interaction.
At least when you are with someone, you can hear the inflection in their voice and you can tell what they mean when they say something by their facial expressions and their tone. You lose that with Facebook and snapchat and texting. You write out a sentence, and to you it is taken one way but to someone else it is taken completely different. It takes the personal out of communication.
I guess I can't keep up with these kids. Believe me, I am trying but not successfully. Maybe, because of the generation I grew up in, there is a barrier that keeps me from effectively communicating with them. It's kind of maddening. And maybe that's for the better. One less thing to stress out about.
And if we were honest, if you were a teenager would you want to communicate with a 30-something year old person? I mean, it's cool while you are at camp, but maybe weird and creepy in the real world. Maybe I need to stop trying so hard to be the cool kid. I need to be the adult and pray for them.
Prayer. An extremely effective mode of communication. A direct line to the One who knows our hearts, our thoughts, our hurts, our struggles, and our joys. A beautiful relationship that stems from our God who loves us and love that pours out from hearts that long to know Him intimately.
What a beautiful way to communicate. What a beautiful Savior to communicate with. I don't need to Facebook Him, snapchat Him or text Him and wait for a response. He hears me each time I call out to Him, or cry out to Him. And He is there. Time nor distance separates me from the love of my Father or from His presence. He is steady and He longs for me to interact with Him daily.
I wonder what would happen if we talked to God as frequently as we sent a text? A snapchat? A Facebook message? What would our walk with Him be like if we communicated with Him as freely?
I think it would blow our minds.
So, dear camp friends, I think my energy is better spent in prayer for you. Because God is God and we are family in Christ, we will see each other again. I will make every effort to try and stay connected. I get to go to the cities on Thursday and see some of you, and I greatly look forward to having that time to reconnect face to face. However, if you can't get a hold of me via the endless modes of communication that are out there, don't be offended. Know that I am praying for you. Feel free to let me know what to pray about for you. And I am always here if you need someone to talk to, but not over Facebook. Not through a ten second snapchat. And not via text. Skype I can handle. At least I can see you and talk with you that way. But the most important conversations are the ones where you are on your knees and praying. Don't let the pull of technology take your heart away from God. Don't let that replace hanging out with your friends in person. Don't let that become an idol in your life that takes God's place.
My prayer for you all is that this summer changed you. That you collided in such a tangible way with God that you will never be the same. I pray that as you travel this path called life, that you would allow God to lead you. Follow His path, let His Word be a lamp that guides your steps and let the Truth be the firm foundation that you stand on. Cast your cares, worries, anxieties, heartaches, and fears onto Him, because He is a Father who cares for you and will never let you down. He will not abandon you.
Don't let hurt and hard feelings come between you. Instead, address the problem. Make things right, because goodness knows this life is too short to let things fester or to live with the regret of never offering an apology or accepting one. Allow God to be the center and focus of each relationship, especially the ones right now that are blooming into more than just friendship. Be careful and proceed with God's guidance. You are all so young yet. Let God be the love of your life, and when He is ready, He will bring that right person to you. And not just because you are lonely or because they are cute. He will join you together to bring Him honor and glory above all things. Be patient. Let God grow love in your heart. Don't let the world dictate that, because the world's idea of love and God's idea of love are two completely different things. Let Him write your love story. I guarantee it will be worth it.
My greatest prayer for you is that you KNOW God- intimately, furiously, recklessly. That you would not be ashamed to proclaim His Name in all things that you do. That in everything, God would be honored. If you are going off to college, be a student that honors God in all things. If you are in high school, do everything to the best of your ability for an audience of One. If you are getting into the workforce, give your work days and everything you have as an offering to Him. Let the relationship you have with Jesus be the most important relationship in your life. Don't be afraid of what others say, and don't let anyone look down on you because you are young. Be the beacon of light that a world in darkness needs to see. Set yourself so on fire that those around you have no choice but to watch you burn for Him.
Step into the identity God has already created for you. And then hang on for the greatest adventure of your life.
I love you all, my brothers and sisters in Christ. You are all very near to my heart. I cannot wait to hear how God has moved in your lives and to see what He does with each and every one of you. Just know that I will be cheering you on from the sidelines. God is so proud of you and I am, too.
God bless and take care, family.
Amen.
04 August 2013
Purpose? Passion? Both?
Do you know that in everything you do, everywhere you go, with every interaction that you are given a chance to show those around you the very nature and beauty of our God?
Yeah, it's pretty awesome.
However, more often than not, we don't see things that way. We go about out humdrum life, at our humdrum job and never ever really consider that each moment we are given is divinely orchestrated by God. Each interaction with a child, a co-worker, a friend. Each moment standing in line a coffee shop, on vacation with your family, sitting next to someone at a movie theater. With every text or message or whatever other mode of communication. Each and every moment we have on this earth has been planned by God to bring Him glory and to bring His people to Him.
Kind of blows your mind, doesn't it?
Today I went back to my home church for the first time in two months. I was apprehensive, a little nervous, and more than a bit reserved when I showed up. I really didn't want to talk to anyone. I was comparing my camp church experience with my home church experience. That was the wrong attitude to walk into this with. God convicted me of that very quickly. So, once I was able to let down my guard and start talking to people, it was such a blessing. I love the hearts of my friends at Harvest and the very real way they want to reach out to those in our community who are less fortunate.
Less fortunate. That's a fun term. Because, if you really think about it, we are all the same in God's eyes. We are all deprived, undeserving, sinful people who are saved by a gracious God who loves us. We are all sons and daughters of the King and He qualifies us all. It's society that puts that label on people. Society decides who is better than who based on your income level, your job, your social status. And we let that rule and dictate our lives.
I wonder sometimes if people think I have a lower position because I am a librarian and the stigma that comes with that. I wonder if they know that this is a mission field and that first and foremost God has placed me in ministry at Central. The librarian aspect of my job is my catalyst into having some sweet conversations with kids about God. I think it is really quite hurtful when someone just says "and now you shelve books" when they have absolutely no idea the ministry aspect of what I am honored and called to do at this particular school.
I believe that God's purpose, no matter how long that lasts for me here, is to reach these kids for Jesus Christ. The fact that I get to use my passion for reading and writing and to get them to love it too is a bonus. God knows my heart. He created me for goodness sake. He knows the passions and loves that He placed in my life. He knows that one of my greatest passions in life is to see those around me really KNOW beyond the shadow of a doubt that God loves them. Furiously. Wildly. Unconditionally. In whatever capacity that may be, whether as a camp counselor or as a librarian.
He will use you. Baker. Convenience store clerk. College student. High school student. Cook. Banker. Grocery store bagger. Burger flipper. CEO. It doesn't matter what you do. We do it all for the glory of God anyway....at least we should. Because He created all and is in all and through all, He deserves all of the honor and glory. All of it. We get the great honor of being able to serve a mighty God. Win/win.
Pastor Brent said this quote in church today: "Pray a prayer that is so big that it is doomed to fail if God is not in the middle of it." Whoa. I loved that.
Be willing. Be open. Say yes to the identity that God has created for you and step into it. Use that love for whatever He has placed in you to glorify Him and to draw others to Him. Let His light shine through you, no matter what that may look like. Set yourself on fire and let the world watch you burn for Him.
Just say yes. I guarantee it is worth the adventure that is waiting.
Goodnight.
30 July 2013
Post Camp and Beyond
Good morning, friends. I have LOTS rattling around in my head this morning, so I am just going to dig in and start. It is honest and blunt so hold on.
For the past two months, I have been completely immersed at Northwoods Camp. Little to no contact with the outside world, hanging out and creating a community with camp staff and speaking life into the lives of campers who desperately needed a collision with the Holy Spirit.
Two months. Whoa.
To say that I am having camp withdrawals is an understatement. It would be more realistic at this point to say that I would trade the comfort of my own home to be back even for one more moment with those people. But then again, I am torn on that as well. Because of situations and circumstances that happened in the last week, I am fairly certain that some of them never want to see me again. I don't blame them. I wanted to crawl under a rock and die and it was probably the worst week of camp for me. I hurt people. For that I am sincerely and truly sorry. And that moment of realizing that people hated me on camp was the catalyst for me to want to come home. But now that I am here, I miss them all. Even the ones that hate me. I would pray, at this point, that it would be let go of. That it happened in the past, that it can be forgiven, and that we can all move on and remain friends. That's the prayer and hope. And I know God has heard me cry that out several times in the past week. He calls me to let it go and to quit carrying around the guilt and shame of it all, and so I am. And with that, I am done with it.
Camp was amazing this summer. It was, quite literally, the best summer at camp for me. I enjoyed it fully and completely. I loved every moment, every conversation, every road trip in the battle wagon, every dumb thing that made us laugh until we cried, every campfire that brought our campers to the point of decision in their own lives of whether or not they were going to say yes to God. Every single moment. A beautiful mosaic of memories that I will carry with me for the rest of my life. I have the pictures to prove it, although those bring little to no comfort at this point. They are just a constant reminder now to something so wonderful that had to come to an end.
Everything has an end. It's how you deal with the new beginning after that that matters.
For me, I come back home to a new position at school. Full time librarian at Central Minnesota Christian School. For others, they are just embarking on a brand new chapter called college. For some, they are contemplating life after college, or starting at a new high school in a new town and wondering what life looks like after that. And for some, it's going back to life and trying to figure out how this whole camp experience changed them and how they now fit back into the life they left to come to camp. So many different people in so many different places in their lives. My favorite part, though, was really being able to talk about God with them. To really dig into their lives and seeing where they struggled. To hurt with them as they hurt. To cry with them as they cried. To laugh with them, be joyful with them, and to be serious with them. To be a family in the truest sense.
So now what? When does the withdrawal stop? When do I stop missing these people who came into my life as strangers and became family to me? When do I start to feel happy and excited about being home? When do I stop longing to step out of my door, walk to Spruce, and sit there enjoying the atmosphere of friends around me?
Hopefully it starts to subside sooner than later. This may drive me crazy if it doesn't.
I was also told about five times this summer that I should be a pastor/youth pastor. The invitation to join the Salvation Army is always there as well. I'm not going to lie, it was strong this summer and it left me more confused than ever as camp started winding down. I love what I do at school, don't get me wrong. I love it. It is part of my personality that just really thrives in this environment. I love the interaction I have with the kids, I love books, I love reading and I love instilling a love for reading in these kids. I don't work at school for the money. To me, it is a ministry that I have the honor of being a part of. I get to see these kids grow up and struggle through these tough questions of faith and rejoice with them when they finally get it.
However, at camp this summer I felt like it wasn't just a part of me that thrived. It was all of me. Engaged and completely immersed. Completely sold out to what Jesus was doing through me. Completely. To some people who I discussed this with this summer, it was exciting to them. To me, it is terrifying. I don't know what God is doing with me. I don't know if He is changing my plan and purpose. I don't know what is going on and I came home more confused than ever. I did last summer, too, but it wasn't nearly this bad. I know I am supposed to be here. He confirmed that to me when I excitedly signed my contract for this year. If there would have been any hesitation or doubt, I wouldn't have signed it. And it is still exciting to me and I am thrilled for the opportunity to be a full time librarian for these precious children.
Sometimes, though, I wonder if I missed the mark. If I shouldn't have been so dismissive about the idea of youth pastoring, because this summer is not the first time it has been brought up. It has been presented to me since I graduated high school a gazillion years ago. It's always been there, I just never thought I was equipped for it or good enough to do it. And now add the Salvation Army into that. I was sitting at lunch one day talking to a camper who asked me if I was a member of the Salvation Army. I said no and said I probably never would be. My friend Macy overheard and said, "never say never because God will use that and you may end up being part of it". She was right. Never say never to God.
Which also puts me in another awkward position. I love my church and my church family. My pastor is awesome and I love that every week I learn from a Bible believing, Bible teaching pastor. It fills my soul. But so did my experience with church this summer. And even though I am not a Salvationist, I feel like every single time I come back to camp, I am coming back to an extended family that welcomes me with open arms. They even know my name, even Captains and Majors I only see during a two month period over the summer. They ask me how I'm doing. How my year has been. We sit and have conversations, sometimes lengthy ones. I love it. I thrive on conversation and social interaction. It's not a shock that I am a fairly social person. Extrovert in the truest sense of the word. So having this place I get to go to for the summer to see staff that I either already know or have the joy of getting to know and seeing kids return for the fourth year in a row is like going home for me.
And maybe that has been God's plan the whole time. Maybe four years ago when Aubrey asked me if I wanted a summer job and I said yes to camp counseling was when the ball started rolling. Maybe it took me all of four years to realize it, and maybe it's not quite the right time yet, but I feel He may be moving me. I don't know where or when or how, but for now I just have to sit tight till He gives me the green light to go. It's scary. I don't even want to think about what that looks like right now. My mind and heart are still with the kids of Central. My mind has to wrap itself around this library project that needs to get done before the school year begins in September. I need me to be fully here like I was at camp. God will provide that as He has provided every step of the way. And when He is ready to move me, He will. He will open up a position for me somewhere that I can minister to these kids that I have come to love over these four summers and move me on in some direction or another. He will because He can. I just have to say yes to Him.
In the meantime, I am not finished here. I still have an amazing opportunity to speak life to these kids here. One of the seventh graders has stopped by my house twice now since I have been home to just talk. I have missed that. I realized how much I missed being here when she came over. I love that the kids of this community feel comfortable enough to stop by my house on a random summer day to catch up on life. God is working, friends. Both here and there. It's a beautiful thing.
But I don't want to lose touch with those from this summer. I don't want to lose contact with this incredible family that I have come to care for. But I fear that we are all back in our own lives, so it will be easy to let go and forget. Until, of course, a Macklemore song comes on and I am immediately thrown back into a hundred different memories that make my heart ache and long for another moment with them all.
What a vicious cycle. But in God's will there is a time for all things and a season for all things under Heaven. And this was a pretty fantastic season. The recovery time may take a bit longer, but it will come around. It always does. And I have been told that if I don't return next summer that the campers are going to stalk me down, kidnap me, and bring me back to camp.
So there it is. Confusion and laughter and joy and sadness all in one package called Lori. God, be my strength and comfort during this season. Hold my heart in Your hands and help me to navigate these waters no matter how rough they may get. I trust Your will for my life and I am Yours.
Amen.
Kids, this is for you. :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zLtHJ-grcEw
For the past two months, I have been completely immersed at Northwoods Camp. Little to no contact with the outside world, hanging out and creating a community with camp staff and speaking life into the lives of campers who desperately needed a collision with the Holy Spirit.
Two months. Whoa.
To say that I am having camp withdrawals is an understatement. It would be more realistic at this point to say that I would trade the comfort of my own home to be back even for one more moment with those people. But then again, I am torn on that as well. Because of situations and circumstances that happened in the last week, I am fairly certain that some of them never want to see me again. I don't blame them. I wanted to crawl under a rock and die and it was probably the worst week of camp for me. I hurt people. For that I am sincerely and truly sorry. And that moment of realizing that people hated me on camp was the catalyst for me to want to come home. But now that I am here, I miss them all. Even the ones that hate me. I would pray, at this point, that it would be let go of. That it happened in the past, that it can be forgiven, and that we can all move on and remain friends. That's the prayer and hope. And I know God has heard me cry that out several times in the past week. He calls me to let it go and to quit carrying around the guilt and shame of it all, and so I am. And with that, I am done with it.
Camp was amazing this summer. It was, quite literally, the best summer at camp for me. I enjoyed it fully and completely. I loved every moment, every conversation, every road trip in the battle wagon, every dumb thing that made us laugh until we cried, every campfire that brought our campers to the point of decision in their own lives of whether or not they were going to say yes to God. Every single moment. A beautiful mosaic of memories that I will carry with me for the rest of my life. I have the pictures to prove it, although those bring little to no comfort at this point. They are just a constant reminder now to something so wonderful that had to come to an end.
Everything has an end. It's how you deal with the new beginning after that that matters.
For me, I come back home to a new position at school. Full time librarian at Central Minnesota Christian School. For others, they are just embarking on a brand new chapter called college. For some, they are contemplating life after college, or starting at a new high school in a new town and wondering what life looks like after that. And for some, it's going back to life and trying to figure out how this whole camp experience changed them and how they now fit back into the life they left to come to camp. So many different people in so many different places in their lives. My favorite part, though, was really being able to talk about God with them. To really dig into their lives and seeing where they struggled. To hurt with them as they hurt. To cry with them as they cried. To laugh with them, be joyful with them, and to be serious with them. To be a family in the truest sense.
So now what? When does the withdrawal stop? When do I stop missing these people who came into my life as strangers and became family to me? When do I start to feel happy and excited about being home? When do I stop longing to step out of my door, walk to Spruce, and sit there enjoying the atmosphere of friends around me?
Hopefully it starts to subside sooner than later. This may drive me crazy if it doesn't.
I was also told about five times this summer that I should be a pastor/youth pastor. The invitation to join the Salvation Army is always there as well. I'm not going to lie, it was strong this summer and it left me more confused than ever as camp started winding down. I love what I do at school, don't get me wrong. I love it. It is part of my personality that just really thrives in this environment. I love the interaction I have with the kids, I love books, I love reading and I love instilling a love for reading in these kids. I don't work at school for the money. To me, it is a ministry that I have the honor of being a part of. I get to see these kids grow up and struggle through these tough questions of faith and rejoice with them when they finally get it.
However, at camp this summer I felt like it wasn't just a part of me that thrived. It was all of me. Engaged and completely immersed. Completely sold out to what Jesus was doing through me. Completely. To some people who I discussed this with this summer, it was exciting to them. To me, it is terrifying. I don't know what God is doing with me. I don't know if He is changing my plan and purpose. I don't know what is going on and I came home more confused than ever. I did last summer, too, but it wasn't nearly this bad. I know I am supposed to be here. He confirmed that to me when I excitedly signed my contract for this year. If there would have been any hesitation or doubt, I wouldn't have signed it. And it is still exciting to me and I am thrilled for the opportunity to be a full time librarian for these precious children.
Sometimes, though, I wonder if I missed the mark. If I shouldn't have been so dismissive about the idea of youth pastoring, because this summer is not the first time it has been brought up. It has been presented to me since I graduated high school a gazillion years ago. It's always been there, I just never thought I was equipped for it or good enough to do it. And now add the Salvation Army into that. I was sitting at lunch one day talking to a camper who asked me if I was a member of the Salvation Army. I said no and said I probably never would be. My friend Macy overheard and said, "never say never because God will use that and you may end up being part of it". She was right. Never say never to God.
Which also puts me in another awkward position. I love my church and my church family. My pastor is awesome and I love that every week I learn from a Bible believing, Bible teaching pastor. It fills my soul. But so did my experience with church this summer. And even though I am not a Salvationist, I feel like every single time I come back to camp, I am coming back to an extended family that welcomes me with open arms. They even know my name, even Captains and Majors I only see during a two month period over the summer. They ask me how I'm doing. How my year has been. We sit and have conversations, sometimes lengthy ones. I love it. I thrive on conversation and social interaction. It's not a shock that I am a fairly social person. Extrovert in the truest sense of the word. So having this place I get to go to for the summer to see staff that I either already know or have the joy of getting to know and seeing kids return for the fourth year in a row is like going home for me.
And maybe that has been God's plan the whole time. Maybe four years ago when Aubrey asked me if I wanted a summer job and I said yes to camp counseling was when the ball started rolling. Maybe it took me all of four years to realize it, and maybe it's not quite the right time yet, but I feel He may be moving me. I don't know where or when or how, but for now I just have to sit tight till He gives me the green light to go. It's scary. I don't even want to think about what that looks like right now. My mind and heart are still with the kids of Central. My mind has to wrap itself around this library project that needs to get done before the school year begins in September. I need me to be fully here like I was at camp. God will provide that as He has provided every step of the way. And when He is ready to move me, He will. He will open up a position for me somewhere that I can minister to these kids that I have come to love over these four summers and move me on in some direction or another. He will because He can. I just have to say yes to Him.
In the meantime, I am not finished here. I still have an amazing opportunity to speak life to these kids here. One of the seventh graders has stopped by my house twice now since I have been home to just talk. I have missed that. I realized how much I missed being here when she came over. I love that the kids of this community feel comfortable enough to stop by my house on a random summer day to catch up on life. God is working, friends. Both here and there. It's a beautiful thing.
But I don't want to lose touch with those from this summer. I don't want to lose contact with this incredible family that I have come to care for. But I fear that we are all back in our own lives, so it will be easy to let go and forget. Until, of course, a Macklemore song comes on and I am immediately thrown back into a hundred different memories that make my heart ache and long for another moment with them all.
What a vicious cycle. But in God's will there is a time for all things and a season for all things under Heaven. And this was a pretty fantastic season. The recovery time may take a bit longer, but it will come around. It always does. And I have been told that if I don't return next summer that the campers are going to stalk me down, kidnap me, and bring me back to camp.
So there it is. Confusion and laughter and joy and sadness all in one package called Lori. God, be my strength and comfort during this season. Hold my heart in Your hands and help me to navigate these waters no matter how rough they may get. I trust Your will for my life and I am Yours.
Amen.
Kids, this is for you. :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zLtHJ-grcEw
27 June 2013
Home
As I sit here in Spruce trying to figure out what to write, I am thinking about home.
I am blessed to have a home. A family. And albeit bumpy at times, a history that reflects sweet memories and beautiful moments that I would not trade for anything.
Home. A place of safety. A sanctuary from the world. A place of love and acceptance. A place where it is okay to be a kid, building forts and slaying dragons to save the princess. Where imaginations run wild and every day is a new adventure.
However, for some of the kids that come to camp, they have no idea what "home" is.
For some of these kids, family is a foreign concept. Home is just a place in a story book, but never something they think that they deserve or could ever achieve.
I think that is why I come back to Northwoods year after year. Because I can understand the brokenness that comes from these "homeless" children. I can tell them about the One who saved my broken soul, restored my broken world and healed my broken heart.
His name is Jesus. He is "a Father to the fatherless" (Psalm 68:5). To be able to share that hope with a child is a beautiful gift. What a joy to see a child's face light up when they realize that they have a Daddy in heaven who loves them very much. That they have a Home that far exceeds anything we have on this earth. That they are not alone in this great big, scary, crazy world. That He will never leave them nor forsake them and to see those children get it. I mean REALLY get it.
So as I sit here in Spruce, I am thinking about all that it means to be here and what that means from a Kingdom perspective. This isn't just a summer job. This is a mission field. The harvest is plentiful...will you join the workers to see the children/young adults/friends/neighbors in your area collide with the life saving power of Jesus Christ?
Because if we were really honest about it, everything we do is Kingdom work. And at the end of the day, each and every one of us deep down longs to be Home.
19 April 2013
Solid Rock House or Beach Side Shanty?
So many, many things have been changing lately. So much to try and wrap my head around. Apparently God has some hard and fast lessons for me to learn yet.
I learned one very quickly today.
I just don't even know where to begin, or the struggle that has been two years of the same emotions for the same guy that never ever amount to anything because I am gullible. I say it over and over and over again to all of my single friends...guard your heart. I say it so often to so many other people but I rarely take my own advice.
I need to do a better job at that. Guarding my heart. Making sure that I don't let the emotions I am feeling trump the truth of the actual situation. I let my heart lead when my brain is like, "HEY LADY! Don't go there!" My brain is smarter than my heart is. And I think it is a terrible idea to "follow your heart". The Bible even says it is deceitful, and who can know it (Jeremiah 17:9)? Why would I want to let my emotions lead me? Isn't that like setting yourself up for disappointment?
Yep. That's exactly what it does. The consequences of "following your heart" lead to unmet expectations, anger, resentment, and generally disappointment. Emotions are such fluid things. Finicky things. Deceptive things. They lead many astray, take the Truth of God and trade it in for a lie so that you can have one blissful moment and a lifetime to regret it.
Okay, not all emotion is bad. I am not saying that. I am saying, however, that you shouldn't base your understanding of Truth on emotion. You need to base Truth on, well, TRUTH. The Word of God. Be plugged in and ready to download what He says about relationships. Godly relationships that can stand the test of time and not sway with the wind. It is good to have feelings, but don't let those feelings dictate what is right or wrong in a situation. God's Word should dictate that, and when you are standing on the Solid Rock, right and wrong becomes as easy to identify as black and white.
Feeling and emotion based living leads you to gray areas that compromise your faith, your beliefs, your morals and your life. It's not real estate that I would buy and definitely not real estate I would even consider when someone else holds the keys to the shanty built on shifting sand.
If you find yourself in that situation, RUN IN THE OTHER DIRECTION.
I know, I write on this subject a lot. However, this is what is very really happening in my life right now. If I am going to invest my life into someone else's (a future spouse for instance), I want to know that his life is build on a rock. His house build on solid ground. His faith and love for God prominent in his life and more important than me. That he is consistent in how he addresses others, how he treats people, and that he is consistent when no one else is watching.
Steady. Stable. Grounded in the very Word of God.
That guy exists somewhere, right? I am praying for it.
Until then, guard my heart. Guard your heart. Don't sell yourself short. Don't settle because you don't think you can do any better. You are a daughter of the MOST HIGH KING. Don't you think your Father in Heaven has your best in mind? Don't you think He knows your future and knows who is in it? He has a plan. I know He does. Sometimes it is easier to believe that than other times, but He does have a good plan.
And when it happens, you will wonder why you ever cried over the wrong one. You will wonder why you wasted so much time on something that wasn't going to amount to anything.
Because that's what I did. And I am not doing that anymore. Just another thing that God wants full control of. I am glad to let Him deal with it. I am sick to death of worrying and crying and getting down on myself over someone who really could care less about me. God has a better plan and a better idea. It's time I ran with that.
God, it's Yours. I praise You for what You are doing and going to do. Amen.
I learned one very quickly today.
I just don't even know where to begin, or the struggle that has been two years of the same emotions for the same guy that never ever amount to anything because I am gullible. I say it over and over and over again to all of my single friends...guard your heart. I say it so often to so many other people but I rarely take my own advice.
I need to do a better job at that. Guarding my heart. Making sure that I don't let the emotions I am feeling trump the truth of the actual situation. I let my heart lead when my brain is like, "HEY LADY! Don't go there!" My brain is smarter than my heart is. And I think it is a terrible idea to "follow your heart". The Bible even says it is deceitful, and who can know it (Jeremiah 17:9)? Why would I want to let my emotions lead me? Isn't that like setting yourself up for disappointment?
Yep. That's exactly what it does. The consequences of "following your heart" lead to unmet expectations, anger, resentment, and generally disappointment. Emotions are such fluid things. Finicky things. Deceptive things. They lead many astray, take the Truth of God and trade it in for a lie so that you can have one blissful moment and a lifetime to regret it.
Okay, not all emotion is bad. I am not saying that. I am saying, however, that you shouldn't base your understanding of Truth on emotion. You need to base Truth on, well, TRUTH. The Word of God. Be plugged in and ready to download what He says about relationships. Godly relationships that can stand the test of time and not sway with the wind. It is good to have feelings, but don't let those feelings dictate what is right or wrong in a situation. God's Word should dictate that, and when you are standing on the Solid Rock, right and wrong becomes as easy to identify as black and white.
Feeling and emotion based living leads you to gray areas that compromise your faith, your beliefs, your morals and your life. It's not real estate that I would buy and definitely not real estate I would even consider when someone else holds the keys to the shanty built on shifting sand.
If you find yourself in that situation, RUN IN THE OTHER DIRECTION.
I know, I write on this subject a lot. However, this is what is very really happening in my life right now. If I am going to invest my life into someone else's (a future spouse for instance), I want to know that his life is build on a rock. His house build on solid ground. His faith and love for God prominent in his life and more important than me. That he is consistent in how he addresses others, how he treats people, and that he is consistent when no one else is watching.
Steady. Stable. Grounded in the very Word of God.
That guy exists somewhere, right? I am praying for it.
Until then, guard my heart. Guard your heart. Don't sell yourself short. Don't settle because you don't think you can do any better. You are a daughter of the MOST HIGH KING. Don't you think your Father in Heaven has your best in mind? Don't you think He knows your future and knows who is in it? He has a plan. I know He does. Sometimes it is easier to believe that than other times, but He does have a good plan.
And when it happens, you will wonder why you ever cried over the wrong one. You will wonder why you wasted so much time on something that wasn't going to amount to anything.
Because that's what I did. And I am not doing that anymore. Just another thing that God wants full control of. I am glad to let Him deal with it. I am sick to death of worrying and crying and getting down on myself over someone who really could care less about me. God has a better plan and a better idea. It's time I ran with that.
God, it's Yours. I praise You for what You are doing and going to do. Amen.
17 April 2013
It Happens In A Blink
Good evening, friends. What a day. The only word that I can use to describe it is...emotional.
Joppa is a young adult ministry that I have been an active part of for the past nine years. It is an amazing tool of God to reach the young adults of West Central Minnesota. I thought I would be a part of this ministry forever.
But God has another plan.
After being away from it for a month and a half, I went back last night. I was excited and a bit nervous. I wasn't sure what to expect really. I just knew that God had given me the go ahead to attend, so I went.
I was excited to be back...at first. As the night wore on, however, I started to feel this sense that I was not where I belonged. I sat way up in the back and looked down at the crazy, awesome young adults that make up this beloved ministry. And I am pretty sure I didn't hear a word of what the speaker said.
I was struggling because I knew something that I didn't want to voice because then I would have to accept one very real fact: that God was moving me on from Joppa. He was asking me to lay down something very precious to me. A place of refuge and family for me. He was asking me to walk away and trust Him.
As I sat there a million memories and the faces of nine years of Joppa people flooded my mind and I tried to stuff back down the tears that were starting to form. I had been praying and asking God for a month and a half what my future in this ministry was. I was finally getting an answer and it felt like I was getting sucker punched in the gut.
During prayer time, a friend of mine asked me, "so, are you glad to be back?" And that's when I let it all out. I told them that God had confirmed to me that indeed I was moving out of this season of Joppa. I expressed my fear of being forgotten once I was gone. I told them that I felt like Joppa had been this baby that I had nurtured and cared for and I was finally having to let it go and watch that kid go off to college and trust that God knew what He was doing. I was reassured that my community would still be there for me. I needed to hear that.
I knew. I was done. And then I went to Applebee's.
At first I couldn't find a seat, so I just stood behind people listening, taking it all in. Then I finally secured a position and let myself relax a little, listen to the conversation around me. Smiled at the laughter and just took a look around at this group of people that God had assembled. I said a silent prayer of thanks for Him allowing me the honor of being a part of this ministry for so long. I genuinely love these people. It makes my heart leap when I hear them talking about Jesus. When I hear them laughing with one another. When I see family being family in Christ.
The evening wore down, and after a few more people telling me they were glad I was back, I knew I needed to leave. I didn't have the heart to say I wouldn't be back. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Instead I said nothing, but politely smiled. A few goodbyes and I was walking out the door, knowing that life wouldn't really be the same again.
The most amazing thing about this is how much peace I have. I have been a wreck most of the day, but even through the emotions I have had deep peace. I sent a letter to the leadership team tendering my resignation from leadership. I practically balled as I wrote the thing.
I feel like I am grieving. So many things have happened lately and so much of my life feels like it is in this state of constant change. But this, this is a huge part of my life. Tuesday's will never really be the same and I know that life will move forward and all of these wonderful people will still be there, but the dynamic will be different.
And I will miss them. I already do. But I also know that I am excited for where He will take me. And now I get to be in ministry at my place of employment. I am so grateful that God led me to Central. So grateful. And He is calling me to really step into a ministry that helps these kids to really know Jesus. Not just know about Him, but to KNOW Him. When I got out of the van this morning and was maneuvering through the little stampede of kids playing Lightening on the basketball court, I knew that this is where I am needed. This is where I am suppose to be.
This is right where I belong. I am excited for what the future holds. I am excited to be able to share my faith with these students. To not only be their librarian, but to be someone they can talk to. Someone they can trust, because once upon a time back in 2004, someone did the same thing for me.
So, to my Joppa friends...thank you. Thank you for your friendship. I am blessed by you all and excited to see how God is going to grow these relationships in the future. It has been a stellar nine years, and there are many more in store for this ministry. I am so excited to see what God is going to do through the ministry and through all of you! I am excited to see who God calls into leadership. It is always a blessing to see someone realize their identity in Christ and find their full potential in Him. I will be praying continually for you all. Don't worry, I will still be around. You know how to find me. :)
As for His plans for me, I say bring it on. I am excited and blessed to start this new season of life.
Because honestly, I want to live my life with integrity knowing that I did everything I could possible do to bring Him honor and glory above all things. To God alone be the glory and power through everything.
I am ready, God. I am ready. I trust You. Let's do this.
"Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, “This is the way; walk in it.” -Isaiah 30:21 (NIV)
Joppa is a young adult ministry that I have been an active part of for the past nine years. It is an amazing tool of God to reach the young adults of West Central Minnesota. I thought I would be a part of this ministry forever.
But God has another plan.
After being away from it for a month and a half, I went back last night. I was excited and a bit nervous. I wasn't sure what to expect really. I just knew that God had given me the go ahead to attend, so I went.
I was excited to be back...at first. As the night wore on, however, I started to feel this sense that I was not where I belonged. I sat way up in the back and looked down at the crazy, awesome young adults that make up this beloved ministry. And I am pretty sure I didn't hear a word of what the speaker said.
I was struggling because I knew something that I didn't want to voice because then I would have to accept one very real fact: that God was moving me on from Joppa. He was asking me to lay down something very precious to me. A place of refuge and family for me. He was asking me to walk away and trust Him.
As I sat there a million memories and the faces of nine years of Joppa people flooded my mind and I tried to stuff back down the tears that were starting to form. I had been praying and asking God for a month and a half what my future in this ministry was. I was finally getting an answer and it felt like I was getting sucker punched in the gut.
During prayer time, a friend of mine asked me, "so, are you glad to be back?" And that's when I let it all out. I told them that God had confirmed to me that indeed I was moving out of this season of Joppa. I expressed my fear of being forgotten once I was gone. I told them that I felt like Joppa had been this baby that I had nurtured and cared for and I was finally having to let it go and watch that kid go off to college and trust that God knew what He was doing. I was reassured that my community would still be there for me. I needed to hear that.
I knew. I was done. And then I went to Applebee's.
At first I couldn't find a seat, so I just stood behind people listening, taking it all in. Then I finally secured a position and let myself relax a little, listen to the conversation around me. Smiled at the laughter and just took a look around at this group of people that God had assembled. I said a silent prayer of thanks for Him allowing me the honor of being a part of this ministry for so long. I genuinely love these people. It makes my heart leap when I hear them talking about Jesus. When I hear them laughing with one another. When I see family being family in Christ.
The evening wore down, and after a few more people telling me they were glad I was back, I knew I needed to leave. I didn't have the heart to say I wouldn't be back. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Instead I said nothing, but politely smiled. A few goodbyes and I was walking out the door, knowing that life wouldn't really be the same again.
The most amazing thing about this is how much peace I have. I have been a wreck most of the day, but even through the emotions I have had deep peace. I sent a letter to the leadership team tendering my resignation from leadership. I practically balled as I wrote the thing.
I feel like I am grieving. So many things have happened lately and so much of my life feels like it is in this state of constant change. But this, this is a huge part of my life. Tuesday's will never really be the same and I know that life will move forward and all of these wonderful people will still be there, but the dynamic will be different.
And I will miss them. I already do. But I also know that I am excited for where He will take me. And now I get to be in ministry at my place of employment. I am so grateful that God led me to Central. So grateful. And He is calling me to really step into a ministry that helps these kids to really know Jesus. Not just know about Him, but to KNOW Him. When I got out of the van this morning and was maneuvering through the little stampede of kids playing Lightening on the basketball court, I knew that this is where I am needed. This is where I am suppose to be.
This is right where I belong. I am excited for what the future holds. I am excited to be able to share my faith with these students. To not only be their librarian, but to be someone they can talk to. Someone they can trust, because once upon a time back in 2004, someone did the same thing for me.
So, to my Joppa friends...thank you. Thank you for your friendship. I am blessed by you all and excited to see how God is going to grow these relationships in the future. It has been a stellar nine years, and there are many more in store for this ministry. I am so excited to see what God is going to do through the ministry and through all of you! I am excited to see who God calls into leadership. It is always a blessing to see someone realize their identity in Christ and find their full potential in Him. I will be praying continually for you all. Don't worry, I will still be around. You know how to find me. :)
As for His plans for me, I say bring it on. I am excited and blessed to start this new season of life.
Because honestly, I want to live my life with integrity knowing that I did everything I could possible do to bring Him honor and glory above all things. To God alone be the glory and power through everything.
I am ready, God. I am ready. I trust You. Let's do this.
"Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, “This is the way; walk in it.” -Isaiah 30:21 (NIV)
13 April 2013
The Struggle: Part One
Let me tell you a story:
There once was a little girl who dreamed big dreams and spent lazy summer days staring up at the sky or playing outside. She was happy. She was spunky. She was social. Life was good. She had a happy family that lived on a quaint little farm.
The year that her family lost their farm was the year that it began. A pound here, a pound there. A little bigger pants, a size bigger shirt. Nothing that a summer of growing and stretching wouldn't take care of. But as she grew up, she also grew out.
Suddenly kids at school noticed. When before none of them cared, now they made fun of her. On the bus, on the playground, in class, in the lunchroom. It didn't matter. Anywhere was fair game. "Hey piggy." "Watch out, Lori might squash you!" "Lori likes who? Yeah, no guy would want that." "Look at that cow. There's nothing small about her!" Day in and day out throughout elementary and into middle school. The same kids. The same words. The same feelings. The same routine. Run into the house, lock herself in her room, and cry until she fell asleep pleading and asking God why He made her this way. Dreading the bus ride to school. Trying not to make eye contact in the hopes that they wouldn't notice when she was around. Trying to dodge bullets where bullets could be dodged.
She decided at a young age that this was her life. And it wasn't fair. She was angry and bitter. Things weren't great at home and things weren't great at school. There wasn't a safe place anywhere. Except food. It didn't tease her, didn't make her feel bad. So began a long, downhill journey of self loathing and self medicating with food that finally culminated to a single moment when she looked in the mirror, 34 years of age, and decided she had had enough and it was time to change something.
Who knew that that something would change everything?
So five weeks ago, God led me down a different path. A better path. A path not only to improve my health, but also to improve me, the me that He created me to be before the dawn of time. So far the physical part hasn't been too bad. Granted, it is still hard, but doable.
It's the emotional part that's the killer.
It's the looking in the mirror part and still seeing fat Lori and wondering how that is beautiful.
It's the getting up in the morning part and being very aware of what makes me different from everyone else.
It's the hope that is trying to spring up through the hard packed soil of heartache.
It's the part that compares myself to others.
It's the part that wonders if a guy is ever going to want me for me.
It's the struggle. Daily. Hourly. Minutely. Secondly.
That's where the battle rages. Between knowing what God says about me and actually believing it. I let myself believe the lies for so long that they embedded deeply in my heart.
This is where I am right now. However, God loves me too much to leave me there. He tells me I am fearfully, wonderfully made. I am precious to Him. I am His daughter. And I am beautiful. And I have to repeat these truths over and over and over and over and over and over. Everyday, in the mirror, I have to look myself in the eye and say to myself, "Lori, you are precious, you are loved, and you are His. No one can take that from you because God said it, and He means it from the bottom of His heart. Believe it."
This is where my real battle will be waged. And to be perfectly honest, it is scary. Praise the Lord I built my house on the firm foundation of Jesus Christ. No matter how bad the storm is around me or how fierce the wind blows, I will not be moved or shaken or blown away. Why? Because I stand on the Solid Rock. Because He understands in those moments when I don't. And He isn't finished with me yet. See? He is doing something new! And I, for one, cannot wait to see what it is.
It's called hope and hope is what we crave.
01 January 2013
In with 2013....reflecting at 2:19AM
Well, we are 2 hours and 19 minutes into the new year. I am still awake. I have some stuff buzzing through my mind, so I thought maybe if I get it out of my head and put it somewhere, then I can go to sleep.
I was blessed to ring in the new year with some great people this evening. We played games and laughed and really enjoyed each other's company. We talked about the new year and the possibilities it could hold. We talked about life and how crazy it can be sometimes. We talked. I felt a little out of place. A little off.
The time crept a little closer to midnight. The last remaining minutes of a crazy, stressful, painful, busy year started winding down and all the hope for a brand new year started to build. But the most significant part of this evening wasn't the ball dropping, or the countdown, or even that I was surrounded by people that I care about.
As we counted down, I said a silent prayer, thanking God for all that He had blessed me with. I thanked Him for the struggles and the triumphs, the joy and the pain. I thanked Him for the many wonderful moments to be with friends and family and I praised Him that He brought me through another year.
I also laid one more thing at His feet.
"God, You know who he is. You know my heart can't be there anymore. Let me let him go."
Funny enough, as I prayed it, a door closed somewhere. Literally. I heard a door from somewhere in the house shut. And I knew. Something in me was....different. Like I had finally been set free from my captive heart. It felt like the chains of all of the emotion and turmoil and doubt were loosened and I was free...finally...to wiggle free of them, lay them down, and walk confidently into a future that only He can see. I feel like I could finally breathe out from under the weight of where and who I had let my heart go to.
I finally felt peace in an area I have struggled in for the better part of two years and all was right in my world again because God made it so.
A pretty stellar moment if you ask me.
So here's to 2013. Here's to all of the hope and possibility that a new year holds, no matter where that takes me, who I meet along the way, or what adventures God has planned.
I am ready. All of me is ready.
I was blessed to ring in the new year with some great people this evening. We played games and laughed and really enjoyed each other's company. We talked about the new year and the possibilities it could hold. We talked about life and how crazy it can be sometimes. We talked. I felt a little out of place. A little off.
The time crept a little closer to midnight. The last remaining minutes of a crazy, stressful, painful, busy year started winding down and all the hope for a brand new year started to build. But the most significant part of this evening wasn't the ball dropping, or the countdown, or even that I was surrounded by people that I care about.
As we counted down, I said a silent prayer, thanking God for all that He had blessed me with. I thanked Him for the struggles and the triumphs, the joy and the pain. I thanked Him for the many wonderful moments to be with friends and family and I praised Him that He brought me through another year.
I also laid one more thing at His feet.
"God, You know who he is. You know my heart can't be there anymore. Let me let him go."
Funny enough, as I prayed it, a door closed somewhere. Literally. I heard a door from somewhere in the house shut. And I knew. Something in me was....different. Like I had finally been set free from my captive heart. It felt like the chains of all of the emotion and turmoil and doubt were loosened and I was free...finally...to wiggle free of them, lay them down, and walk confidently into a future that only He can see. I feel like I could finally breathe out from under the weight of where and who I had let my heart go to.
I finally felt peace in an area I have struggled in for the better part of two years and all was right in my world again because God made it so.
A pretty stellar moment if you ask me.
So here's to 2013. Here's to all of the hope and possibility that a new year holds, no matter where that takes me, who I meet along the way, or what adventures God has planned.
I am ready. All of me is ready.
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