Love...and Strawberries

Today is better than yesterday.....in some ways.  My mouth is better.  Now I just have a dull ache instead of throbbing pain.  So that part is good.

This morning our chapel in the elementary was about "Love and Strawberries".  The principal asked the kids if they have anyone in their lives that they don't always want to show love to.

I raised my hand.

I haven't been a very good friend lately.  I can tell that in the lack of communication I have here with my friends.  I have no problem "externally processing" but I suck at communicating when I am hurt or when I am afraid.  Joy?  No problem.  When I am excited, everyone knows it.  But when I am sad, I don't want anyone to know it because that is not the version of Lori that everyone likes.

I received a text from a friend once saying, "I hope you are better soon.  I don't really like this sad version of you."  Believe me, I don't either.  I don't either.  I would much rather be the happy, bubbly personality that everyone else seems to know and love.  And I can be, just not all the time.  I am working on it, though.  God certainly has blessed me with joy through so many hard times.   He has created me with a heart that cares deeply for others, even when my surfacy actions would say otherwise.  He lovingly convicts me in this area all the time.

Like right now.

So this morning finds me drugged up on antibiotics and pain meds, but also hurting in my heart for how I treat others.  I am a fool to do so.  God has entrusted me with amazing friends and I am not being a good steward of what He has trusted me with.  This has been an area where I have always struggled: relationships.  They are hard for me.  They always have been.  It's a heartbreaking way to live.

But it gets better little by little all the time.  The more and more trust I place in Him, the more and more I begin to believe and know that I am worth being someone's friend.  That I am not just this disposable person but someone of value who others genuinely want to know.  I have to remind myself of that constantly as the lies try to drown out the Truth of who He says I am and His plan and purpose for my life.

I have amazing friends.  Amazing.  I wouldn't change anything about any of the friendships I currently have.  Even the hard times, because perseverance is produced through all of the struggle and a deeper bond is formed.  Please forgive me, my friends.  I haven't been a great friend lately but don't give up yet.  I am still being renewed day by day and still growing and learning, same as you.

God, I trust in You.  I pray that You can help me mend my relationships where they are broken.  Help me, Lord, to be the kind of friend that my friends are to me.  Help me to stand against the lies that I believe and to know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I am loved.  God, You are amazing.  Thank You.