Life

Oh, life.  How you get so crazy busy so very quickly.

I have been contemplating a lot on life as it is related to the past few months.  Camp, school, relationships. 

Camp has been a hard one to completely process.  The summer started out so well and ended, well, not so well.  In my mind I keep going through over and over and over again the final few weeks of camp.  The good, the bad, the assumed.  Pretty much trying to figure out what went wrong and how it went wrong.

I let my pessimism drive my final weeks of camp.  My negative side reared its ugly head, and unfortunately some people didn't like that version of me so much.  So much so that relationships have changed and there has been no contact since camp.  I thought I would be upset with that.  I am really not all that devastated.

I was discussing this with a friend of mine a few weeks ago.  I explained all of what happened, knowing I had to take responsibility for my actions.  I know I tend to have a negative side.  Stress brings that out. Also, a lack of being in the Word and a lack of prayer brings it out even more.  I will be honest with you, I was not in my Bible the way I should have been.  I wasn't talking to God as much as I should have been, either.  Those are both on me.  My attitude would have been drastically different if I had just gone to Him first instead of "externally processing" everything onto those around me.

Yes, I am an external processor.  My closest friends know this about me.  They also know that if I can't exercise that process, I will explode or completely shutdown on people.  I pretty much shutdown completely the last two solid days of camp.  And since I am being totally honest, I could not wait to leave on the last day.  It was all I could do to restrain myself from running to the door, getting in my car and burning rubber to Prinsburg.  I knew that those people who understood me best would be there for me when I got home, or at least on their way home.

These past few weeks I have been trying to make sense of it all.   I did grow quite a bit this summer.  God revealed to me areas of my life that I hadn't wanted to let light into.  I thought if they just stayed in the dusty, dark corners of my heart that they would be buried deep enough never to see the light of day again.  God knows better.  He took His flashlight of Truth, and through the cobwebs of fear, regrets and isolation, He revealed a heart beating for Him.  He revealed a scared little girl who wanted only the love of her Heavenly Father and to figure out once and for all her place in this world.

I learned a very valuable lesson this summer.  I cannot be everything to everyone and I cannot bend my principles to suit the needs of those who take advantage of situations and call it "friendship". That is no friend at all.  I learned a lot about who I am and how much I can tolerate before conviction becomes condemnation.  

My future at camp is uncertain.  I would love to say an enthusiastic "YES" to next summer, but I am not sure I can even begin to let that thought creep into my head.  It really was a great summer as far as ministering to the kids went.  I would do that again in a heartbeat.  I am just not sure if I could handle being in the same role again.   Perhaps I will give it a year or two and then think about it again.

Thank goodness that God has blessed me with faith-based, Bible-based people as well as young adult groups that I can be in community with.  I am blessed to be surrounded by those who consistently walk and live their faith out.  I am blessed to know others who do not live near me who are just as strong in their convictions.  I am thankful each day that God would allow me to be a member of His body and a fellow worker in the harvest.  I am most thankful to have people who call me out on things and aren't afraid to do so, regardless of title.  It is so much more effective when someone is willing to be honest.  I appreciate and have more respect for others who see my sin and point it out instead of not point it out and allow me to keep on sinning.  I definitely want those honest people on my side.  I pray that I can also be that honest person to those around me, although that part is a work in progress.

I think this is my way of putting this issue to bed.  God, I feel you moving in my life in a real, tangible way.  Thank You for creating me exactly as I am, faults and all, so that I may continually move from where I am ever closer to where You want me to be. I know the road isn't easy, and I know that there will be hard times, but You promise to be with me and walk me through valleys of shadow and rejoice with me on mountaintops of light.  Teach me to have an undivided heart.  Teach me to stand for You and not for people.  I don't want to do life without You.

Thank You, Lord, for bringing me home.