Sometimes holding on can save your life. And sometimes holding on can cost you your life. Fun, right? Let me explain.
Holding on. Hanging on to things for dear life in the hopes they won't change, when they inevitably do anyways. So why hold on, right? When you know it just makes it worse and until you let it go it won't get any better. Why hold on? It's the hope that those things that have inevitably, irreversibly changed will once again go back to the same old same old. That the old familiar memories will once again come back to life and that life will go back to what it was.
How often has it ever been a good idea for things to stay the same? To never change? To be complacent? Especially in relationship. ESPECIALLY in relationship. Relationships cannot stay the same. You cannot reverse time to go back to the way things were. Things move forward. People more forward. People change. God grows you. He grows me.
Last night I came to a great revelation in my own life: let go. Seems simple, right? Not for this girl.
I hold so tightly to those things in my life that I don't want to change, all the while making things worse through action or word. The good intention is there to make it better, but that good intention is about as good as the current stock market.
Guess who I forgot in the ill-fated process of trying to control this piece of my life? God. He gets forgotten more than He should. I suppose I should get to the point of this jotting, though.
So last night I was thinking. I do that a lot. I was thinking and I was praying and I was trying to relieve this great unsettling in my spirit. Two words settled in and took root: let go.
I have heard this before, but I knew now specifically what it referred to and the death grip I had on that situation. The way I was handling it was making things worse instead of better and God was NOT being glorified. God wasn't even being acknowledged. So I acknowledged my wrongdoing in this whole mess and gave it to Him. But He wasn't done.
He didn't just want my heartfelt apology or my well-intentioned promise to try harder. He wanted EVERYTHING. I was either all in on what He was doing or I was left to my own devices to make something work that clearly was not. So I gave up. Gave in. Gave everything. Gave it over. Whoa, did that feeling in my spirit subside? Yes, it did.
I came to this: I am done fighting. I am done holding onto it. It is costing me my life in Him to hold on to stuff that is becoming idle and an idol in my life. I have put others before Him for a long time. People are my idol and that idol worship needs to stop. Why I am relying on people to be what only God can be in my life?
So begins the process of digging out of this heap of rubble and getting back to Him. Cleaning out the well (I love that..thanks Ann). Making sure that my relationships are focused ON HIM. That my thoughts and words are focused ON HIM. That my emotions are focused ON HIM. That I am not just going along with something just because it reminds me of stuff that can never be brought back. My future is HIS. I am HIS. And when I deal with the repercussions of what He is calling me to do about it now, I will deal with them in HIS timing and will and not my own. It is already starting.
So, I let go to save my life. I release these things to Him to preserve my life. Besides, His plan and purpose is WAY better than anything I could ever put together.
Here I go........
27 September 2011
23 September 2011
22 September 2011
Love Is Not A Fight
Have you ever loved someone? I am sure everyone can say yes to that. Have you ever loved someone who doesn't love you back? Or in a way that you are used to? It's hard, isn't it? Especially when personalities clash, opinions clash, denominations clash.
It is hard to always want to love others when they don't love you back. It's easy to do when it is reciprocated, but very difficult when it is not.
I am a words person. Words of affirmation. Encouragement. It's my love language. I didn't really buy into the whole love language thing because I thought it was just another bunch of self help people who were trying to sell a bunch of books. But I took a look at it, took the test, and found out that it was a pretty accurate assessment of how I give and receive love.
Words mean very much to me. I will write and rewrite this blog several times before I publish it to make sure that the right message is coming across and that it is not misunderstood.
I love to encourage others. Nothing brings me more joy than to lift someones spirits in a day by saying something positive. Pointing out the strong traits and encouraging them to press on. It's easy for me to do so, especially towards people whom I know will be receptive to it.
What happens when they aren't? When the things you say seem to mean nothing and that love is rejected or dismissed? And by love I don't mean romantic, emotional love. I mean God's love. Agape love. What happens when you try and show God's agape love to someone who could care less if you spoke the words or not? When that e-mail never comes back? When the text message is ignored? When the phone is never answered?
You love them anyway.
God's greatest charge to His people, His church is very simple. LOVE.
"We love because He first loved us." -1 John 4:19
I heard a saying once that said, "Love your enemies. It will drive them crazy." It sounds good, but I could see someone abusing that saying. Some people would read into that and think, "I am going to "love" that person so that I can drive them crazy and inflict more pain." I see some flaws in that statement. However, we are commanded to love others AND to love our enemies. Love when it is easy. Love when it is hard. Love when it hurts to do so. Love when it seems that it is getting you nowhere.
Love when it doesn't make any sense to do so.
I feel like that sometimes. Loving others when it makes no earthly sense to do so. When I know that it won't be reciprocated. When I feel like it mattered little to that other person for me to show them love. I love them anyway.
Love isn't a fight. It shouldn't be. If we are in the Word and walking intimately with our God, love should come as an act of worship. It should be something we want to do to bring Him honor and glory, not because it makes us look better. It is something that we should be compelled to do even when it is hard. Even when it doesn't make sense. Especially when it doesn't make sense. We love others to reflect the One who first loved us.
"No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and His love is made complete in us." -1 John 4:12
I am preaching to the choir on this one. Sure, there are days when I don't feel so loving. There are people around me that I would rather not show love to. But, it is in those moments that love must increase all the more. I want people to see Jesus living in my heart, in my actions, in my words. When those words of affirmation need to come. When that text needs to be sent. When an e-mail is written, even when there isn't a response. When that phone call needs to be made. Even when it isn't fun or I don't want to, I do. Why?
"How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!" -1 John 3:1b
Because He loved me first.
It is hard to always want to love others when they don't love you back. It's easy to do when it is reciprocated, but very difficult when it is not.
I am a words person. Words of affirmation. Encouragement. It's my love language. I didn't really buy into the whole love language thing because I thought it was just another bunch of self help people who were trying to sell a bunch of books. But I took a look at it, took the test, and found out that it was a pretty accurate assessment of how I give and receive love.
Words mean very much to me. I will write and rewrite this blog several times before I publish it to make sure that the right message is coming across and that it is not misunderstood.
I love to encourage others. Nothing brings me more joy than to lift someones spirits in a day by saying something positive. Pointing out the strong traits and encouraging them to press on. It's easy for me to do so, especially towards people whom I know will be receptive to it.
What happens when they aren't? When the things you say seem to mean nothing and that love is rejected or dismissed? And by love I don't mean romantic, emotional love. I mean God's love. Agape love. What happens when you try and show God's agape love to someone who could care less if you spoke the words or not? When that e-mail never comes back? When the text message is ignored? When the phone is never answered?
You love them anyway.
God's greatest charge to His people, His church is very simple. LOVE.
"We love because He first loved us." -1 John 4:19
I heard a saying once that said, "Love your enemies. It will drive them crazy." It sounds good, but I could see someone abusing that saying. Some people would read into that and think, "I am going to "love" that person so that I can drive them crazy and inflict more pain." I see some flaws in that statement. However, we are commanded to love others AND to love our enemies. Love when it is easy. Love when it is hard. Love when it hurts to do so. Love when it seems that it is getting you nowhere.
Love when it doesn't make any sense to do so.
I feel like that sometimes. Loving others when it makes no earthly sense to do so. When I know that it won't be reciprocated. When I feel like it mattered little to that other person for me to show them love. I love them anyway.
Love isn't a fight. It shouldn't be. If we are in the Word and walking intimately with our God, love should come as an act of worship. It should be something we want to do to bring Him honor and glory, not because it makes us look better. It is something that we should be compelled to do even when it is hard. Even when it doesn't make sense. Especially when it doesn't make sense. We love others to reflect the One who first loved us.
"No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and His love is made complete in us." -1 John 4:12
I am preaching to the choir on this one. Sure, there are days when I don't feel so loving. There are people around me that I would rather not show love to. But, it is in those moments that love must increase all the more. I want people to see Jesus living in my heart, in my actions, in my words. When those words of affirmation need to come. When that text needs to be sent. When an e-mail is written, even when there isn't a response. When that phone call needs to be made. Even when it isn't fun or I don't want to, I do. Why?
"How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!" -1 John 3:1b
Because He loved me first.
21 September 2011
Being About God's Business
Have you ever said something that you immediately regretted? I had one of those moments last night. I made a comment that was just plain dumb. I won't divulge the comment or the conversation it came from. Just know that it was dumb and it definitely showed that my heart was not about my God's business.
I love my church. I love the people, the worship and the solid, Scriptural teaching that constantly challenges me to grow and learn. I have an awesome pastor who is not afraid to tell the Truth of things no matter how uncomfortable it may be.
Since when did God want us to stay in the "comfort zone" anyway?
But last night did not reflect where my heart is suppose to be. It reflected a worldly opinion and perspective that is so detrimental and damaging to our churches today.
God wants us to be about His business. He wants us in the church, caring for His people. Shining His light. Grappling with the heart stuff so that His greater glory is revealed. He doesn't just want us to sit idly by in our pew or chair and become complacent. Since when did complacency ever accomplish anything? Really. The greatest victories have come through stepping out of the bubble and into something scary and different. Moses did it. Jonah did it. David did it. Abraham did it.
Jesus did it.
He stepped into a human form. He lived among His people. He faced ridicule, hardship, and eventually death for you and for me. He faced it not so that we could sit in our usual comfortable spot on Sunday morning and be complacent all the rest of the week. He faced it so that we could bring His message of grace, hope, redemption, salvation and love to a lost, broken and hurting world. To shine His light in dark places. To let all those around us know of a Heavenly Father who loves us so richly and deeply that we could never comprehend or fathom it fully.
He wants us to be about His business. I definitely was not about His business last night.
"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." -Proverbs 4:23
Exactly. If I am taking in garbage, my actions and words are going to produce garbage. If my mind and thoughts are cluttered with the refuse of worldly things, my life is going to reveal the garbage dump that is my heart. It's time to call in the garbageman and get rid of those things that cloud Godly judgment and taint His work in my life.
I want to be about my God's business. I want to know Him more. I want to seek out His will and not my own. I want there to be no question what I believe and who I believe in.
I don't want another careless comment like the one made last night to be made again. It was so flippant and completely hurtful. There is no excuse for it.
It's time, church. It is time to throw out the trash. The movies we shouldn't be watching. The words we shouldn't be using. The lies we shouldn't be believing. The way we know we shouldn't be living. Neglecting the Bible we should be reading. Treating others better than we treat them now. Quit watching out for number one and showing compassion to those who really need to know who He is.
And quit fighting with each other over sanctuary carpet color or worship styles. Shouldn't we be thankful to have a place to worship in the first place? Freedom to be able to still speak His name? The freedom to sing His praises and the honor to be able to help His people? Isn't that what it should be about? LOVE?
He is just asking us to step up and say yes. And to be about His business.
I love my church. I love the people, the worship and the solid, Scriptural teaching that constantly challenges me to grow and learn. I have an awesome pastor who is not afraid to tell the Truth of things no matter how uncomfortable it may be.
Since when did God want us to stay in the "comfort zone" anyway?
But last night did not reflect where my heart is suppose to be. It reflected a worldly opinion and perspective that is so detrimental and damaging to our churches today.
God wants us to be about His business. He wants us in the church, caring for His people. Shining His light. Grappling with the heart stuff so that His greater glory is revealed. He doesn't just want us to sit idly by in our pew or chair and become complacent. Since when did complacency ever accomplish anything? Really. The greatest victories have come through stepping out of the bubble and into something scary and different. Moses did it. Jonah did it. David did it. Abraham did it.
Jesus did it.
He stepped into a human form. He lived among His people. He faced ridicule, hardship, and eventually death for you and for me. He faced it not so that we could sit in our usual comfortable spot on Sunday morning and be complacent all the rest of the week. He faced it so that we could bring His message of grace, hope, redemption, salvation and love to a lost, broken and hurting world. To shine His light in dark places. To let all those around us know of a Heavenly Father who loves us so richly and deeply that we could never comprehend or fathom it fully.
He wants us to be about His business. I definitely was not about His business last night.
"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." -Proverbs 4:23
Exactly. If I am taking in garbage, my actions and words are going to produce garbage. If my mind and thoughts are cluttered with the refuse of worldly things, my life is going to reveal the garbage dump that is my heart. It's time to call in the garbageman and get rid of those things that cloud Godly judgment and taint His work in my life.
I want to be about my God's business. I want to know Him more. I want to seek out His will and not my own. I want there to be no question what I believe and who I believe in.
I don't want another careless comment like the one made last night to be made again. It was so flippant and completely hurtful. There is no excuse for it.
It's time, church. It is time to throw out the trash. The movies we shouldn't be watching. The words we shouldn't be using. The lies we shouldn't be believing. The way we know we shouldn't be living. Neglecting the Bible we should be reading. Treating others better than we treat them now. Quit watching out for number one and showing compassion to those who really need to know who He is.
And quit fighting with each other over sanctuary carpet color or worship styles. Shouldn't we be thankful to have a place to worship in the first place? Freedom to be able to still speak His name? The freedom to sing His praises and the honor to be able to help His people? Isn't that what it should be about? LOVE?
He is just asking us to step up and say yes. And to be about His business.
19 September 2011
Learning To Go Home
Kind of a funny title, right? Learning to go home?
In this great and vast time of figuring things out and giving over control, I realized something. I really don't know who I am, and what I think of myself is actually a jumbled mess of what everyone else's perception of who Lori Olivier is. I have learned to fit a mold that I am outgrowing. In the process of getting lost in who I am, I forgot how to get back home.
This weekend I went home. I spent time with my brother and sister-in-law, my niece and my nephew, another brother and a dear friend. As my niece came in the house, she gave me the biggest, grandest hug I have ever received from anyone. I knew I was home.
Then I went to the Pursuit of Excellence marching band competition at SMSU (where I went to college) with a dear friend from college. It was fun and exciting being in the new stadium and enjoying that experience with someone who understood what it was like to be a Mustang. I was home.
This hasn't always been an easy process. Back in college a series of unfortunate events took place that brought great heartache and great hatred of a school and town I once loved. For many years I couldn't be in Marshall without all of those old things coming back again. I let others take my identity, who I was, and trade it in for who they wanted me to be. It has been a process to get through all of that junk to the point now where I can be in Marshall and feel like I am finally back. Finally home. Enjoy the good memories and feel excitement being back in my old college town. I am even going back this next weekend to enjoy homecoming festivities. I am very excited about that.
Even being back with family is different. Letting go and working through all of the history and the hurt and the anger of past events has brought about a new appreciation for being with my family. Slowly, slowly, slowly I am being renewed day by day. Those places in my heart where distrust and hurt have lived for so long are being evicted and home is starting to feel more like home again.
And, I am learning to go Home. To the One who sees my future, who has redeemed my past and is restoring my present. I am learning more and more everyday about the path that leads me Home. His Truth lights the way and all I can do is take a step at a time to get there.
God is slowly working me through relationships. He is showing me the difference between being a friend of convenience and a true friend. Between being a member of a family or being a daughter and a sister in His strength. He is showing me, through my relationships, who those people are and what needs to be worked on to restore the relationships or step away from the unhealthy ones and let Him take control until it is healthy again. It is painful. It is uncomfortable. It is necessary.
Something big was accomplished this weekend, though. I finally learned how to go home.
"My soul yearns, even faints,
for the courts of the LORD;
my heart and my flesh cry out
for the living God. Even the sparrow has found a home,
and the swallow a nest for herself,
where she may have her young—
a place near Your altar,
O LORD Almighty, my King and my God.
Blessed are those who dwell in Your house;
they are ever praising You." -Psalm 84:2-4
In this great and vast time of figuring things out and giving over control, I realized something. I really don't know who I am, and what I think of myself is actually a jumbled mess of what everyone else's perception of who Lori Olivier is. I have learned to fit a mold that I am outgrowing. In the process of getting lost in who I am, I forgot how to get back home.
This weekend I went home. I spent time with my brother and sister-in-law, my niece and my nephew, another brother and a dear friend. As my niece came in the house, she gave me the biggest, grandest hug I have ever received from anyone. I knew I was home.
Then I went to the Pursuit of Excellence marching band competition at SMSU (where I went to college) with a dear friend from college. It was fun and exciting being in the new stadium and enjoying that experience with someone who understood what it was like to be a Mustang. I was home.
This hasn't always been an easy process. Back in college a series of unfortunate events took place that brought great heartache and great hatred of a school and town I once loved. For many years I couldn't be in Marshall without all of those old things coming back again. I let others take my identity, who I was, and trade it in for who they wanted me to be. It has been a process to get through all of that junk to the point now where I can be in Marshall and feel like I am finally back. Finally home. Enjoy the good memories and feel excitement being back in my old college town. I am even going back this next weekend to enjoy homecoming festivities. I am very excited about that.
Even being back with family is different. Letting go and working through all of the history and the hurt and the anger of past events has brought about a new appreciation for being with my family. Slowly, slowly, slowly I am being renewed day by day. Those places in my heart where distrust and hurt have lived for so long are being evicted and home is starting to feel more like home again.
And, I am learning to go Home. To the One who sees my future, who has redeemed my past and is restoring my present. I am learning more and more everyday about the path that leads me Home. His Truth lights the way and all I can do is take a step at a time to get there.
God is slowly working me through relationships. He is showing me the difference between being a friend of convenience and a true friend. Between being a member of a family or being a daughter and a sister in His strength. He is showing me, through my relationships, who those people are and what needs to be worked on to restore the relationships or step away from the unhealthy ones and let Him take control until it is healthy again. It is painful. It is uncomfortable. It is necessary.
Something big was accomplished this weekend, though. I finally learned how to go home.
"My soul yearns, even faints,
for the courts of the LORD;
my heart and my flesh cry out
for the living God. Even the sparrow has found a home,
and the swallow a nest for herself,
where she may have her young—
a place near Your altar,
O LORD Almighty, my King and my God.
Blessed are those who dwell in Your house;
they are ever praising You." -Psalm 84:2-4
16 September 2011
A New Day
Well, good morning. Good Friday morning. It is beautiful fall day here in Prinsburg. And it is a new day.
"God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble." -Psalm 46:1
Indeed. Last night was a great struggle to figure some things out. To struggle and grapple with my heart and finally just surrender it over to the One who fights these battles for me. And I came to a few conclusions and figured out, with God's help, areas in my life where things just need to be different.
"Above all else, guard your heart,
for it is the wellspring of life." -Proverbs 4:23
I need to guard what goes into my heart. My heart needs to be in the right spot. So, protecting that and making sure that I am being fed by the Word is so important. Also, I need to surround myself with people who aren't afraid to hold me accountable. Dig into those things and find the scripture that brings to light the truth from the lies.
"Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken." -Ecclesiastes 4:12
As well as guarding my heart, I need to be careful who I am surrounding myself with. It becomes too easy to put too much dependence on people and not enough on God. People will fail you. God never will. But He does put in our lives people who walk with us through things. I am finding more and more who those people are and who I need to step away from as it has become detrimental to growth, especially when God isn't the center. Those relationships where God is not the focus will not only bring you down, but will be a stumbling block for the other person as well. It is so important to surround yourself with Godly, grounded people. Those who will pray WITH you, dig into the Word WITH you and not be afraid to stand with you as you face hard times or laugh and find joy in the good moments. I seek to find people who are willing to pray with me and whom I can pray with and for. Prayer is so powerful and even in my closest relationships it is not done. I believe that agreement with fellow brothers and sisters in prayer is a great weapon in spiritual battle. It helps those who are struggling to stand up with a united front against an enemy that seeks to "kill, steal and destroy". There is definitely strength in numbers. I seek people I can be in the Word with, who are grounded in their faith. There is a difference between just telling someone what the answer is and actually taking the time to show them where that truth is within the Bible. I know plenty of people who can give me the "right answers", but I treasure the people who readily have their Bible open to show me where that is.
"For everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through endurance and the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope." -Romans 15:4
"All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work." -2 Timothy 3:16-17
How important is it to be in the Word? Very. I have been lacking in that lately and I definitely feel that lack of grounding in my own life. I NEED to be in His Word. I need to soak in truth and encouragement from His words. The Bible teaches us how we should live, the way we should go. When that is not present, life turns upside down. Relationships falter. Emotion takes over reason and Satan gets a foothold. Ground yourself in His Word. Be fed by life-giving Scripture. You will be glad that you did.
So, today is a new day. Yesterday is gone and tomorrow isn't here yet. Today is His day. I will rejoice and be glad in it.
"God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble." -Psalm 46:1
Indeed. Last night was a great struggle to figure some things out. To struggle and grapple with my heart and finally just surrender it over to the One who fights these battles for me. And I came to a few conclusions and figured out, with God's help, areas in my life where things just need to be different.
"Above all else, guard your heart,
for it is the wellspring of life." -Proverbs 4:23
I need to guard what goes into my heart. My heart needs to be in the right spot. So, protecting that and making sure that I am being fed by the Word is so important. Also, I need to surround myself with people who aren't afraid to hold me accountable. Dig into those things and find the scripture that brings to light the truth from the lies.
"Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken." -Ecclesiastes 4:12
As well as guarding my heart, I need to be careful who I am surrounding myself with. It becomes too easy to put too much dependence on people and not enough on God. People will fail you. God never will. But He does put in our lives people who walk with us through things. I am finding more and more who those people are and who I need to step away from as it has become detrimental to growth, especially when God isn't the center. Those relationships where God is not the focus will not only bring you down, but will be a stumbling block for the other person as well. It is so important to surround yourself with Godly, grounded people. Those who will pray WITH you, dig into the Word WITH you and not be afraid to stand with you as you face hard times or laugh and find joy in the good moments. I seek to find people who are willing to pray with me and whom I can pray with and for. Prayer is so powerful and even in my closest relationships it is not done. I believe that agreement with fellow brothers and sisters in prayer is a great weapon in spiritual battle. It helps those who are struggling to stand up with a united front against an enemy that seeks to "kill, steal and destroy". There is definitely strength in numbers. I seek people I can be in the Word with, who are grounded in their faith. There is a difference between just telling someone what the answer is and actually taking the time to show them where that truth is within the Bible. I know plenty of people who can give me the "right answers", but I treasure the people who readily have their Bible open to show me where that is.
"For everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through endurance and the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope." -Romans 15:4
"All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work." -2 Timothy 3:16-17
How important is it to be in the Word? Very. I have been lacking in that lately and I definitely feel that lack of grounding in my own life. I NEED to be in His Word. I need to soak in truth and encouragement from His words. The Bible teaches us how we should live, the way we should go. When that is not present, life turns upside down. Relationships falter. Emotion takes over reason and Satan gets a foothold. Ground yourself in His Word. Be fed by life-giving Scripture. You will be glad that you did.
So, today is a new day. Yesterday is gone and tomorrow isn't here yet. Today is His day. I will rejoice and be glad in it.
15 September 2011
White flags of surrender
It is inevitable. People are going to hurt you. They will fail you. We are not a perfect people. We let people down and we push people away.
I do.
This week's lesson has been on grace. And love. And guarding that precious thing called a heart. What a week. Wait, what a month. This has been one of those "walk through the valley" seasons.
Unfortunately the thing that has caused this whole valley experience is still in full swing. Also, unfortunately, there isn't a resolution.........yet. I am not sure there ever really will be, but it is hard to see it when you are the one going through it. These are the times when walking through that valley gets tough. When the rubber meets the road. When you either know what you stand on and WHO you stand for or you don't.
You also realize who stands with you. It's surprising who is there and who is not. This is where He nudges me to extend grace and mercy even if I don't feel like it. He always knows better.
He also leads me to filter all of it through His love, which is unconditional. This proves to be hard as well, but He gives me the strength and perseverance to do so.
I know who I stand for. I know what I stand on. I know that I am fighting a battle that is not mine to fight in the first place. I am done fighting. I am letting this go. I am giving it to God and I am leaving it at the Cross. I don't know what is going to happen. I have no idea what the outcome will be. All I know is that God is more powerful than even the most powerful emotions that have been brought on. He is the light shining in the darkest parts of my heart to reveal the lies that I have been letting myself believe. He lifts me up when I am weak. He brings comfort where there is chaos. He takes this breaking and hurting heart, holds it in His mighty hands and begins the healing process.
He knows. He knows all of it. He has heard the anger through prayers of frustration. He has heard the desperation as the white flag of surrender is thrown in and the fighting stops. He sees it in all tears, knowing that there is something so much better on the other side of the valley.
He sees His servant hurting and brings comfort and much needed peace where before there was none.
He knows. He sees. He hears.
He knows where you are, too. He knows what makes you laugh. What brings you joy. What breaks your heart. He wants to help. He laughs when you do. He finds great delight in your joy. He aches and wants to bring peace and comfort to your broken heart. He loves you. He loves me. Very, very, very much. He is the only true friend who will never leave you nor forsake you. He won't let you down. He won't treat you any differently whether you are by yourself or in a crowd. He will not say one thing and do another. He won't just stoically sit there and passively listen. He is engaged in everything you do. That....that is comfort.
"For this is what the high and lofty One says—
he who lives forever, whose name is holy:
“I live in a high and holy place,
but also with him who is contrite and lowly in spirit,
to revive the spirit of the lowly and to revive the heart of the contrite." -Isaiah 57:15
Tonight, there is peace. A calm in my spirit that has been gone for a long time. When I finally surrendered and let God take His rightful place within this, my burden was lifted. Yes, I may have to bring it back to the altar a few more times before I can completely let it go, but the white flag has been flown. I surrender it, Lord. All to you.
Lord, may there be comfort and healing this night. May the peace that surpasses all understanding reside within broken hearts. May Your love be the embrace we need to walk us through the valley and into the light. May our selfishness be surrendered and our joy returned. We love You, Father, and leave these hurts and fears at the foot of Your Cross. Lift these burdens and restore our hope. For You, oh Lord, are Father. You alone are good. We praise You and honor You, Lord.
Amen.
I do.
This week's lesson has been on grace. And love. And guarding that precious thing called a heart. What a week. Wait, what a month. This has been one of those "walk through the valley" seasons.
Unfortunately the thing that has caused this whole valley experience is still in full swing. Also, unfortunately, there isn't a resolution.........yet. I am not sure there ever really will be, but it is hard to see it when you are the one going through it. These are the times when walking through that valley gets tough. When the rubber meets the road. When you either know what you stand on and WHO you stand for or you don't.
You also realize who stands with you. It's surprising who is there and who is not. This is where He nudges me to extend grace and mercy even if I don't feel like it. He always knows better.
He also leads me to filter all of it through His love, which is unconditional. This proves to be hard as well, but He gives me the strength and perseverance to do so.
I know who I stand for. I know what I stand on. I know that I am fighting a battle that is not mine to fight in the first place. I am done fighting. I am letting this go. I am giving it to God and I am leaving it at the Cross. I don't know what is going to happen. I have no idea what the outcome will be. All I know is that God is more powerful than even the most powerful emotions that have been brought on. He is the light shining in the darkest parts of my heart to reveal the lies that I have been letting myself believe. He lifts me up when I am weak. He brings comfort where there is chaos. He takes this breaking and hurting heart, holds it in His mighty hands and begins the healing process.
He knows. He knows all of it. He has heard the anger through prayers of frustration. He has heard the desperation as the white flag of surrender is thrown in and the fighting stops. He sees it in all tears, knowing that there is something so much better on the other side of the valley.
He sees His servant hurting and brings comfort and much needed peace where before there was none.
He knows. He sees. He hears.
He knows where you are, too. He knows what makes you laugh. What brings you joy. What breaks your heart. He wants to help. He laughs when you do. He finds great delight in your joy. He aches and wants to bring peace and comfort to your broken heart. He loves you. He loves me. Very, very, very much. He is the only true friend who will never leave you nor forsake you. He won't let you down. He won't treat you any differently whether you are by yourself or in a crowd. He will not say one thing and do another. He won't just stoically sit there and passively listen. He is engaged in everything you do. That....that is comfort.
"For this is what the high and lofty One says—
he who lives forever, whose name is holy:
“I live in a high and holy place,
but also with him who is contrite and lowly in spirit,
to revive the spirit of the lowly and to revive the heart of the contrite." -Isaiah 57:15
Tonight, there is peace. A calm in my spirit that has been gone for a long time. When I finally surrendered and let God take His rightful place within this, my burden was lifted. Yes, I may have to bring it back to the altar a few more times before I can completely let it go, but the white flag has been flown. I surrender it, Lord. All to you.
Lord, may there be comfort and healing this night. May the peace that surpasses all understanding reside within broken hearts. May Your love be the embrace we need to walk us through the valley and into the light. May our selfishness be surrendered and our joy returned. We love You, Father, and leave these hurts and fears at the foot of Your Cross. Lift these burdens and restore our hope. For You, oh Lord, are Father. You alone are good. We praise You and honor You, Lord.
Amen.
09 September 2011
Love...and Strawberries
Today is better than yesterday.....in some ways. My mouth is better. Now I just have a dull ache instead of throbbing pain. So that part is good.
This morning our chapel in the elementary was about "Love and Strawberries". The principal asked the kids if they have anyone in their lives that they don't always want to show love to.
I raised my hand.
I haven't been a very good friend lately. I can tell that in the lack of communication I have here with my friends. I have no problem "externally processing" but I suck at communicating when I am hurt or when I am afraid. Joy? No problem. When I am excited, everyone knows it. But when I am sad, I don't want anyone to know it because that is not the version of Lori that everyone likes.
I received a text from a friend once saying, "I hope you are better soon. I don't really like this sad version of you." Believe me, I don't either. I don't either. I would much rather be the happy, bubbly personality that everyone else seems to know and love. And I can be, just not all the time. I am working on it, though. God certainly has blessed me with joy through so many hard times. He has created me with a heart that cares deeply for others, even when my surfacy actions would say otherwise. He lovingly convicts me in this area all the time.
Like right now.
So this morning finds me drugged up on antibiotics and pain meds, but also hurting in my heart for how I treat others. I am a fool to do so. God has entrusted me with amazing friends and I am not being a good steward of what He has trusted me with. This has been an area where I have always struggled: relationships. They are hard for me. They always have been. It's a heartbreaking way to live.
But it gets better little by little all the time. The more and more trust I place in Him, the more and more I begin to believe and know that I am worth being someone's friend. That I am not just this disposable person but someone of value who others genuinely want to know. I have to remind myself of that constantly as the lies try to drown out the Truth of who He says I am and His plan and purpose for my life.
I have amazing friends. Amazing. I wouldn't change anything about any of the friendships I currently have. Even the hard times, because perseverance is produced through all of the struggle and a deeper bond is formed. Please forgive me, my friends. I haven't been a great friend lately but don't give up yet. I am still being renewed day by day and still growing and learning, same as you.
God, I trust in You. I pray that You can help me mend my relationships where they are broken. Help me, Lord, to be the kind of friend that my friends are to me. Help me to stand against the lies that I believe and to know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I am loved. God, You are amazing. Thank You.
This morning our chapel in the elementary was about "Love and Strawberries". The principal asked the kids if they have anyone in their lives that they don't always want to show love to.
I raised my hand.
I haven't been a very good friend lately. I can tell that in the lack of communication I have here with my friends. I have no problem "externally processing" but I suck at communicating when I am hurt or when I am afraid. Joy? No problem. When I am excited, everyone knows it. But when I am sad, I don't want anyone to know it because that is not the version of Lori that everyone likes.
I received a text from a friend once saying, "I hope you are better soon. I don't really like this sad version of you." Believe me, I don't either. I don't either. I would much rather be the happy, bubbly personality that everyone else seems to know and love. And I can be, just not all the time. I am working on it, though. God certainly has blessed me with joy through so many hard times. He has created me with a heart that cares deeply for others, even when my surfacy actions would say otherwise. He lovingly convicts me in this area all the time.
Like right now.
So this morning finds me drugged up on antibiotics and pain meds, but also hurting in my heart for how I treat others. I am a fool to do so. God has entrusted me with amazing friends and I am not being a good steward of what He has trusted me with. This has been an area where I have always struggled: relationships. They are hard for me. They always have been. It's a heartbreaking way to live.
But it gets better little by little all the time. The more and more trust I place in Him, the more and more I begin to believe and know that I am worth being someone's friend. That I am not just this disposable person but someone of value who others genuinely want to know. I have to remind myself of that constantly as the lies try to drown out the Truth of who He says I am and His plan and purpose for my life.
I have amazing friends. Amazing. I wouldn't change anything about any of the friendships I currently have. Even the hard times, because perseverance is produced through all of the struggle and a deeper bond is formed. Please forgive me, my friends. I haven't been a great friend lately but don't give up yet. I am still being renewed day by day and still growing and learning, same as you.
God, I trust in You. I pray that You can help me mend my relationships where they are broken. Help me, Lord, to be the kind of friend that my friends are to me. Help me to stand against the lies that I believe and to know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I am loved. God, You are amazing. Thank You.
08 September 2011
What a day....
This may go down as the worst Thursday ever.
Last night (Wednesday) I got home after a really awesome capital campaign meeting, grabbed an apple, took a bite and pretty much broke one of my molars. So, between 1:00-3:00 AM I awoke with this shooting, horrible pain on the right side of my face. It was emanating from the tooth that I cracked wide open.
So, I pretty much stayed up all night catching up on episodes of Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman trying not to think about how much pain I was in.
This morning I made it a whole hour at school. I didn't say much about what had happened because my mouth hurt so bad I could hardly open it to say anything. So I cancelled my ENTIRE schedule for the school day, made a dental appointment and left for the day. I spent a few hours at the dentist where he pulled the broken tooth and took care of the infection starting in the next one over. I was pretty numb from the Novocaine and pretty out of it. I got some antibiotics, some ibuprofen and went home. Even though I was pain free for a few hours, I still couldn't get any rest. So I finished out my Dr. Quinn marathon and waited for the Novocaine to wear off.
I decided to try and make this somewhat of a normal day and try and take tickets at the volleyball game this evening. Oh boy. The pain I felt this morning was nothing compared to what it became this evening. It went from a 10 to a 100. So I took another trip to Willmar and went to Urgent Care. Half an hour later I ended up with 3 prescriptions (two for painkillers and one for a stronger antibiotic), a debt to a friend and relief from the excruciating pain that has ruled a good chunk of this day.
So, in 24 hours I have had around 2 hours of sleep. I am currently on two painkillers and an antibiotic that is currently kicking my butt, but I am not in pain anymore. I am finally tired and am hopeful that sleep will come easier this evening than it did last night.
I am hoping and praying that in these final hours of this Thursday that nothing else will happen.
God, You are in control. And I am humbled and blessed in ways I can't even imagine even through pain that I can't handle. God, You are good. I am thankful. And probably getting a little loopy.
Time to end this blog and get some sleep.
Last night (Wednesday) I got home after a really awesome capital campaign meeting, grabbed an apple, took a bite and pretty much broke one of my molars. So, between 1:00-3:00 AM I awoke with this shooting, horrible pain on the right side of my face. It was emanating from the tooth that I cracked wide open.
So, I pretty much stayed up all night catching up on episodes of Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman trying not to think about how much pain I was in.
This morning I made it a whole hour at school. I didn't say much about what had happened because my mouth hurt so bad I could hardly open it to say anything. So I cancelled my ENTIRE schedule for the school day, made a dental appointment and left for the day. I spent a few hours at the dentist where he pulled the broken tooth and took care of the infection starting in the next one over. I was pretty numb from the Novocaine and pretty out of it. I got some antibiotics, some ibuprofen and went home. Even though I was pain free for a few hours, I still couldn't get any rest. So I finished out my Dr. Quinn marathon and waited for the Novocaine to wear off.
I decided to try and make this somewhat of a normal day and try and take tickets at the volleyball game this evening. Oh boy. The pain I felt this morning was nothing compared to what it became this evening. It went from a 10 to a 100. So I took another trip to Willmar and went to Urgent Care. Half an hour later I ended up with 3 prescriptions (two for painkillers and one for a stronger antibiotic), a debt to a friend and relief from the excruciating pain that has ruled a good chunk of this day.
So, in 24 hours I have had around 2 hours of sleep. I am currently on two painkillers and an antibiotic that is currently kicking my butt, but I am not in pain anymore. I am finally tired and am hopeful that sleep will come easier this evening than it did last night.
I am hoping and praying that in these final hours of this Thursday that nothing else will happen.
God, You are in control. And I am humbled and blessed in ways I can't even imagine even through pain that I can't handle. God, You are good. I am thankful. And probably getting a little loopy.
Time to end this blog and get some sleep.
07 September 2011
Not Gandalf.......God
Back a year ago I got this...title? The girls at camp referenced me to Gandalf from The Lord of the Rings. It was fun for a little while to go along with it and to feel kind of important and special because they thought so highly of me.
Now I see how ridiculous that was. Honestly.
Everyone wants to feel important and loved. Everyone. They want to know that someone looks up to them and thinks highly of them. After this summer, however, it isn't so important anymore. Of course I want people to think good things about me. But sometimes it is in those bad things or negative things that you can really see yourself. I found that when I looked into those negative emotions that I was seeing parts of myself that needed work. Some places needed a major overhaul and some just a slight modification. I needed God's help to filter out the lies and reveal His truth. His truth is that my trust and complete reliance needs to be on Him, not on the collective opinion of people.
I don't need people to think highly of me. I need people to think highly of Him.
I put so much stock in titles that were so temporary. I let my leadership gift be overshadowed by the title that accompanied it. I tried, in my own strength, to do a job that required complete and utter dependence on God. Trying it my way was epic failure. Doing things His way may not always be fun or safe, but at least it yields better results for His greater glory.
I am very okay with that.
Paul was, too. He faced persecution and death at every turn to proclaim the glory of God and the life-saving power of Jesus Christ's sacrifice on the Cross. I am sure he was referred to by many names, and probably not as nice as being called Gandalf. Did the taunters and the hypocrites and the haters stop him from proclaiming the message of grace, peace and love? Not at all. In fact, it made his determination to see all come to Christ that much stronger so that the Name above all names would be proclaimed by all people.
"Once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of your evil behavior. But now He has reconciled you by Christ’s physical body through death to present you holy in His sight, without blemish and free from accusation— if you continue in your faith, established and firm, not moved from the hope held out in the gospel. This is the gospel that you heard and that has been proclaimed to every creature under heaven, and of which I, Paul, have become a servant. Now I rejoice in what was suffered for you, and I fill up in my flesh what is still lacking in regard to Christ’s afflictions, for the sake of His body, which is the church. I have become its servant by the commission God gave me to present to you the word of God in its fullness— the mystery that has been kept hidden for ages and generations, but is now disclosed to the saints. To them God has chosen to make known among the Gentiles the glorious riches of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory. We proclaim Him, admonishing and teaching everyone with all wisdom, so that we may present everyone perfect in Christ. To this end I labor, struggling with all His energy, which so powerfully works in me." Colossians 1:21-29
So, I no longer claim this Gandalf title given to me. I don't want it. Give it to someone else. I want the only title on earth that ever really mattered. The title that calls me His. I am:
1. His beloved
2. His child
3. Daughter of the King
4. A masterpiece
5. One whom He delights in
6. God's princess
7. A Christ-follower
8. His creation
9. Accepted and Forgiven
10. Dearly loved
11. A friend of God
12. A friend
13. A sister (in Christ and in family)
His Book (aka The Bible) tells me exactly who I am and how I am to live. I choose to live as His. I choose to try and do everything I do to bring Him the glory He deserves. I don't need to live up to the expectations of man, but I do strive daily to be more and more like Jesus.
Not Gandalf...God. If it is Gandalf you seek, the library is open. If it is God you seek, call on His name. He is waiting for you.
Now I see how ridiculous that was. Honestly.
Everyone wants to feel important and loved. Everyone. They want to know that someone looks up to them and thinks highly of them. After this summer, however, it isn't so important anymore. Of course I want people to think good things about me. But sometimes it is in those bad things or negative things that you can really see yourself. I found that when I looked into those negative emotions that I was seeing parts of myself that needed work. Some places needed a major overhaul and some just a slight modification. I needed God's help to filter out the lies and reveal His truth. His truth is that my trust and complete reliance needs to be on Him, not on the collective opinion of people.
I don't need people to think highly of me. I need people to think highly of Him.
I put so much stock in titles that were so temporary. I let my leadership gift be overshadowed by the title that accompanied it. I tried, in my own strength, to do a job that required complete and utter dependence on God. Trying it my way was epic failure. Doing things His way may not always be fun or safe, but at least it yields better results for His greater glory.
I am very okay with that.
Paul was, too. He faced persecution and death at every turn to proclaim the glory of God and the life-saving power of Jesus Christ's sacrifice on the Cross. I am sure he was referred to by many names, and probably not as nice as being called Gandalf. Did the taunters and the hypocrites and the haters stop him from proclaiming the message of grace, peace and love? Not at all. In fact, it made his determination to see all come to Christ that much stronger so that the Name above all names would be proclaimed by all people.
"Once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of your evil behavior. But now He has reconciled you by Christ’s physical body through death to present you holy in His sight, without blemish and free from accusation— if you continue in your faith, established and firm, not moved from the hope held out in the gospel. This is the gospel that you heard and that has been proclaimed to every creature under heaven, and of which I, Paul, have become a servant. Now I rejoice in what was suffered for you, and I fill up in my flesh what is still lacking in regard to Christ’s afflictions, for the sake of His body, which is the church. I have become its servant by the commission God gave me to present to you the word of God in its fullness— the mystery that has been kept hidden for ages and generations, but is now disclosed to the saints. To them God has chosen to make known among the Gentiles the glorious riches of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory. We proclaim Him, admonishing and teaching everyone with all wisdom, so that we may present everyone perfect in Christ. To this end I labor, struggling with all His energy, which so powerfully works in me." Colossians 1:21-29
So, I no longer claim this Gandalf title given to me. I don't want it. Give it to someone else. I want the only title on earth that ever really mattered. The title that calls me His. I am:
1. His beloved
2. His child
3. Daughter of the King
4. A masterpiece
5. One whom He delights in
6. God's princess
7. A Christ-follower
8. His creation
9. Accepted and Forgiven
10. Dearly loved
11. A friend of God
12. A friend
13. A sister (in Christ and in family)
His Book (aka The Bible) tells me exactly who I am and how I am to live. I choose to live as His. I choose to try and do everything I do to bring Him the glory He deserves. I don't need to live up to the expectations of man, but I do strive daily to be more and more like Jesus.
Not Gandalf...God. If it is Gandalf you seek, the library is open. If it is God you seek, call on His name. He is waiting for you.
06 September 2011
Life
Oh, life. How you get so crazy busy so very quickly.
I have been contemplating a lot on life as it is related to the past few months. Camp, school, relationships.
Camp has been a hard one to completely process. The summer started out so well and ended, well, not so well. In my mind I keep going through over and over and over again the final few weeks of camp. The good, the bad, the assumed. Pretty much trying to figure out what went wrong and how it went wrong.
I let my pessimism drive my final weeks of camp. My negative side reared its ugly head, and unfortunately some people didn't like that version of me so much. So much so that relationships have changed and there has been no contact since camp. I thought I would be upset with that. I am really not all that devastated.
I was discussing this with a friend of mine a few weeks ago. I explained all of what happened, knowing I had to take responsibility for my actions. I know I tend to have a negative side. Stress brings that out. Also, a lack of being in the Word and a lack of prayer brings it out even more. I will be honest with you, I was not in my Bible the way I should have been. I wasn't talking to God as much as I should have been, either. Those are both on me. My attitude would have been drastically different if I had just gone to Him first instead of "externally processing" everything onto those around me.
Yes, I am an external processor. My closest friends know this about me. They also know that if I can't exercise that process, I will explode or completely shutdown on people. I pretty much shutdown completely the last two solid days of camp. And since I am being totally honest, I could not wait to leave on the last day. It was all I could do to restrain myself from running to the door, getting in my car and burning rubber to Prinsburg. I knew that those people who understood me best would be there for me when I got home, or at least on their way home.
These past few weeks I have been trying to make sense of it all. I did grow quite a bit this summer. God revealed to me areas of my life that I hadn't wanted to let light into. I thought if they just stayed in the dusty, dark corners of my heart that they would be buried deep enough never to see the light of day again. God knows better. He took His flashlight of Truth, and through the cobwebs of fear, regrets and isolation, He revealed a heart beating for Him. He revealed a scared little girl who wanted only the love of her Heavenly Father and to figure out once and for all her place in this world.
I learned a very valuable lesson this summer. I cannot be everything to everyone and I cannot bend my principles to suit the needs of those who take advantage of situations and call it "friendship". That is no friend at all. I learned a lot about who I am and how much I can tolerate before conviction becomes condemnation.
My future at camp is uncertain. I would love to say an enthusiastic "YES" to next summer, but I am not sure I can even begin to let that thought creep into my head. It really was a great summer as far as ministering to the kids went. I would do that again in a heartbeat. I am just not sure if I could handle being in the same role again. Perhaps I will give it a year or two and then think about it again.
Thank goodness that God has blessed me with faith-based, Bible-based people as well as young adult groups that I can be in community with. I am blessed to be surrounded by those who consistently walk and live their faith out. I am blessed to know others who do not live near me who are just as strong in their convictions. I am thankful each day that God would allow me to be a member of His body and a fellow worker in the harvest. I am most thankful to have people who call me out on things and aren't afraid to do so, regardless of title. It is so much more effective when someone is willing to be honest. I appreciate and have more respect for others who see my sin and point it out instead of not point it out and allow me to keep on sinning. I definitely want those honest people on my side. I pray that I can also be that honest person to those around me, although that part is a work in progress.
I think this is my way of putting this issue to bed. God, I feel you moving in my life in a real, tangible way. Thank You for creating me exactly as I am, faults and all, so that I may continually move from where I am ever closer to where You want me to be. I know the road isn't easy, and I know that there will be hard times, but You promise to be with me and walk me through valleys of shadow and rejoice with me on mountaintops of light. Teach me to have an undivided heart. Teach me to stand for You and not for people. I don't want to do life without You.
Thank You, Lord, for bringing me home.
I have been contemplating a lot on life as it is related to the past few months. Camp, school, relationships.
Camp has been a hard one to completely process. The summer started out so well and ended, well, not so well. In my mind I keep going through over and over and over again the final few weeks of camp. The good, the bad, the assumed. Pretty much trying to figure out what went wrong and how it went wrong.
I let my pessimism drive my final weeks of camp. My negative side reared its ugly head, and unfortunately some people didn't like that version of me so much. So much so that relationships have changed and there has been no contact since camp. I thought I would be upset with that. I am really not all that devastated.
I was discussing this with a friend of mine a few weeks ago. I explained all of what happened, knowing I had to take responsibility for my actions. I know I tend to have a negative side. Stress brings that out. Also, a lack of being in the Word and a lack of prayer brings it out even more. I will be honest with you, I was not in my Bible the way I should have been. I wasn't talking to God as much as I should have been, either. Those are both on me. My attitude would have been drastically different if I had just gone to Him first instead of "externally processing" everything onto those around me.
Yes, I am an external processor. My closest friends know this about me. They also know that if I can't exercise that process, I will explode or completely shutdown on people. I pretty much shutdown completely the last two solid days of camp. And since I am being totally honest, I could not wait to leave on the last day. It was all I could do to restrain myself from running to the door, getting in my car and burning rubber to Prinsburg. I knew that those people who understood me best would be there for me when I got home, or at least on their way home.
These past few weeks I have been trying to make sense of it all. I did grow quite a bit this summer. God revealed to me areas of my life that I hadn't wanted to let light into. I thought if they just stayed in the dusty, dark corners of my heart that they would be buried deep enough never to see the light of day again. God knows better. He took His flashlight of Truth, and through the cobwebs of fear, regrets and isolation, He revealed a heart beating for Him. He revealed a scared little girl who wanted only the love of her Heavenly Father and to figure out once and for all her place in this world.
I learned a very valuable lesson this summer. I cannot be everything to everyone and I cannot bend my principles to suit the needs of those who take advantage of situations and call it "friendship". That is no friend at all. I learned a lot about who I am and how much I can tolerate before conviction becomes condemnation.
My future at camp is uncertain. I would love to say an enthusiastic "YES" to next summer, but I am not sure I can even begin to let that thought creep into my head. It really was a great summer as far as ministering to the kids went. I would do that again in a heartbeat. I am just not sure if I could handle being in the same role again. Perhaps I will give it a year or two and then think about it again.
Thank goodness that God has blessed me with faith-based, Bible-based people as well as young adult groups that I can be in community with. I am blessed to be surrounded by those who consistently walk and live their faith out. I am blessed to know others who do not live near me who are just as strong in their convictions. I am thankful each day that God would allow me to be a member of His body and a fellow worker in the harvest. I am most thankful to have people who call me out on things and aren't afraid to do so, regardless of title. It is so much more effective when someone is willing to be honest. I appreciate and have more respect for others who see my sin and point it out instead of not point it out and allow me to keep on sinning. I definitely want those honest people on my side. I pray that I can also be that honest person to those around me, although that part is a work in progress.
I think this is my way of putting this issue to bed. God, I feel you moving in my life in a real, tangible way. Thank You for creating me exactly as I am, faults and all, so that I may continually move from where I am ever closer to where You want me to be. I know the road isn't easy, and I know that there will be hard times, but You promise to be with me and walk me through valleys of shadow and rejoice with me on mountaintops of light. Teach me to have an undivided heart. Teach me to stand for You and not for people. I don't want to do life without You.
Thank You, Lord, for bringing me home.
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