Holding Patterns

I am in a holding pattern....for now.

Four months ago I scheduled an appointment with my oncology office. They told me when the appointment was scheduled that it was an appointment with Dr. Casey, my oncologist. As the appointment crept closer, reminder emails through the office's online portal kept reminding me: "You have an appointment on April 11, 2019, with Dr. C. Casey at 11:00 AM." I was convinced I was having an appointment with my oncologist on April 11, 2019.

Then yesterday happened. I show up to the appointment early, because weather, fill out some forms, and find out once I am in the back that I am not, in fact, seeing Dr. Casey for my oncology appointment. I am, however, seeing a nurse practitioner, for a routine follow-up of the surgery that was performed in December. Needless to say, I was...shocked? Confused? Baffled? MANY reminder emails. Three reminder phone calls. All of which reminding me to show up to my appointment WITH DR. CASEY. Nope. This was not that appointment.

So, when do I see Dr. Casey? In three months. IN THREE MORE MONTHS. 

I sat with this yesterday for a while, deciding what to do with this information. I allowed myself a solid 24-hour period to throw my 5-year old temper tantrum. I was pretty angry and upset. I had built that appointment up, thinking that I was going to get some answers. Knowing that won't come for three more months felt like every bad dad joke put on a cd, stuck in a cd player, put on repeat, and rigged so you can't get it back out and are doomed to listen to it for the rest of your natural born life.

Too much? You're welcome. I don't love that analogy, but it took me a while to type it out so I'm going to leave it there.

The more I thought about this, though, the more positives I started to see in it.

1). I haven't hit my goal weight yet. I have three extra months to get there. That's actually pretty nice.
2). I get to go with the CMCS elementary D.I. team to Kansas City for Globals, which is pretty fantastic! I can't wait!
3). I have the month of May pretty wide open. Anyone have some work for me? Poor college student. Will work.
4). I'm not going to have to stress about surgery yet. That was actually a big stress I wasn't wanting to take on right now. I was willing to, but not ready for it.
5). I have more time to pack. More time to move. More time to actually figure life out. It's good.

This isn't altogether a bad thing.

I am just hoping that this holding pattern is easier to deal with than the last holding pattern I was in. I think it will be. There won't be as much stress as the last one (I hope). It's also shorter. Three months instead of four. I am doing my best to find all of the optimism that can be found. I think I am getting there.

Friends, there are going to still be days when that optimism won't be there. There are still going to be days when hiding from the world and crying is going to be my best bet for the day. I hear that's pretty normal. However, I am trying to stay away from that as much as I can. I'm trying my best to not be whiny and complain and be a downer about everything. I'm trying.

In the end, it's all going to be okay. Is it still frustrating? Yes. Is it manageable? Yes. Does God got it? Absolutely. He always does. Why should I worry when the One who holds the universe is holding my future as well? Yeah, reassurance that He's got it already is pretty awesome. Why we ever doubt Him is beyond me.

So, friends, that is the latest. Again, thank you all for your continued prayer and support. I couldn't do it without you. :) Have a blessed day.

Homeward Bound, An Incredible Journey

I have decided that even if no one reads this, I'm going to post it anyway. Here we go.

I made the decision to not come back to BSU next year. In fact, I'm not going to be in Bemidji, either. I just want to go home. 

There are some pretty legit reasons for this. First off, if you were to see the pile of medical bills I have accumulated this year, you would understand. I am finding that I am not really able to keep my head above water trying to keep up with the frequency in which they show up in my mailbox daily and the dwindling numbers of my bank account that cannot keep up with those increasing statements. It's overwhelming. I need a job that pays me way more than what I make as a G.A. if I hope to dig my way out of this mountain of medical mayhem. 

The good thing that happened this month is that I finally qualified for medical assistance, which will take care of a good chunk of everything that is coming. However, that won't address much of the devastation that has already happened. That is still on me. So, here we are. 

Cancer isn't cheap. The medical establishments are making a pretty penny off of this broke graduate student. There are lots of little costs that add up. Let me break this down for you: Pathologists. Radiologists. Oncologists. Anesthesiologists.  All of the -gists. Plus doctors appointments galore for various things. Blood work and panels. MRI's and CT scans. Not to mention the gas it takes to drive four hours each way to the cities each time I need to make my appointments, maintenance on my car, the bill every time my insurance was rejected or didn't cover something. The medications at the pharmacy, new medications, and refills, experimental stuff that may or may not work, etc. And then the surgery bill that comes with a whole new itemized list of things I never knew I needed to pay for. This on top of my own monthly expenses leaves me hemorrhaging money faster than I can make it. It's an epidemic and one that I cannot afford to keep on trying to put a band-aid on and admitting isn't secretly keeping me up until all hours of the night.  

It just never seems to end. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. I think the financial part of this stresses me out more than anything else does.  

The other reason I am leaving Bemidji is distance. Distance to my medical team, my friends, and my family. Do I know where I am going? Nope. I would like to land somewhere back in the West Central Minnesota area (if anyone knows of any good Para jobs in the Willmar/Prinsburg area, holler at your girl). I would love to be back at Central working with the kiddos there, but that doesn't look too likely. I really just need to be back with my community of support. If this year has taught me anything, it definitely has been that going through things like this alone is a bad idea. In fact, doing life by oneself is a bad idea in general. I would also like to be closer to my doctors and within a driveable distance where I don't have to schedule out an ENTIRE DAY just to make it work. I also really need to be closer to my family. I am five hours away from them right now. This is unacceptable. Absolutely unacceptable. 

I need to take a breath. Call me a quitter. I don't really care. I just know I can't stay here. I have camp to look forward to this summer, which gives me hope and joy. I love camp. However, anything past that is kind of a big old mystery. I'm not sure where I will be. I don't know anything right now. I know God does, but He doesn't seem to be too keen on giving those answers up right now. I do trust Him, though. He will open doors that I don't know about yet. 

And in the meantime, I will finish strong here. I can't say I will miss Bemidji, because I won't. At all. Sorry, Bemidji. We aren't really friends. Don't take it too personally. It just wasn't meant to be.

So that's what I have for now, friends. I am sure I will post again after my oncology appointment next Thursday. Until then, thanks for stopping by. God bless your day. Again, thanks for hanging in there with me. I know it's a lot, but I really can't do this without you. I thank God every day for each and every one of you.