Hello, friends. I have tried a couple of different times to write this up and post it, but I just don't feel like I have the words sometimes. I figured I owed you a real post, though, instead of the Facebook things I have been posting. I also need to let you in on what is going on. I can't do this by myself. It is foolish of me to think that I can.
First off, thank you to all of you who are praying, sent cards, and have just generally been awesome from the very beginning of this journey. It's not a journey I wanted, but it's the one I find myself on. You are wonderful traveling companions and I am grateful for all of you even if I am slow in responding and actually saying thank you.
Okay, let's get down to it. The most relevant thing at this point is how I am feeling. Physically, I have up and down days. Recently, the fatigue, bleeding, and pain has been intense so I have been home. The medication that I am on has stopped being effective, but unfortunately, I have to ride it out until December 13. On December 13, I will have a procedure where they perform a D and C (dilation and curettage) and place an IUD in my uterus to see if we can stop the excessive bleeding and pain so I can do what I need to do for surgery. Hopefully, I will get some of my energy back as that has been a real issue lately. It is a good day when I make it out of the house to get groceries or just drive around just to get out of the house. A lot of the fatigue is caused by the cancer, but it is also a combination of the medication and its reaction to my thyroid meds. I feel like sometimes we are just guessing at what will work, but when we get it right, it's awesome.
I spoke with my professors and I am finishing the semester online. I have a few papers to turn in and my Composition class is able to submit their final projects to me through our school's online learning platform. One more week and I should be done with this semester. Thank goodness. Next semester is still up in the air. I have tossed around the idea of transferring to a college closer to home. I have made no decision one way or another yet.
Emotionally, I feel like I am on a rollercoaster. I find myself really frustrated when answers aren't clear and I have no idea what is happening in my body. I get really angry sometimes because, well, cancer. Sometimes I just sit and cry because I don't know what else to do. Sometimes I just want a hug and someone to just let me talk it through. Words are hard to find to explain stuff sometimes. Words for me have never really been difficult, but they seem impossible lately. I'm trying to be super positive and upbeat because I feel like that is what is expected, but there are days when that is not the case. But I do try. And I just want to go home. I want to be with my family and friends and not hours and hours away in Bemidji. It is really lonely sometimes, and this is not the time for me to be isolated. Welcome to 40, right?
And then the medical bills start rolling in. I wonder if they understand I am a graduate assistant? I'm not sure where this magic money is coming from, but one step at a time. I didn't ask to get sick, but I am certainly paying for it. I have looked into other ways to pay for these bills, so hopefully, some of that research will help to alleviate some of the stress coming from that.
So at the end of all of this explanation, God is there. He always has been and always will be. In moments when I just can't do anything but cry, He is the comfort and peace that overwhelm me and assure me that for that moment, I am okay. I always seem to land on Joshua 1:9: "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” He is fighting my battle. He is my strength when I have none. He is my joy when despair wants to overtake me. He wipes away those tears that seem to come from nowhere and reminds me that I am His. One step at a time. One moment at a time. One day at a time.
So that's the latest. Prayer is powerful, friends. I have a lot of appointments and stuff coming in the next two weeks so I would appreciate the prayers and if you want to send a card or something, that would be awesome. I like getting mail! My address is:
Lori Olivier
5125 Sherman Dr. NE Apt. A
Bemidji, MN 56601
Thank you, everyone. I appreciate you all more than you could possibly know. God has certainly blessed me with a wonderful community of people and I am forever grateful for that. I love you very much, dear ones.
03 December 2018
09 October 2018
Solus Christus
"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone;
my hope comes from Him;
He alone is my rock and my salvation;
He is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
My salvation and my honor depend on God,
He is my mighty rock, my refuge."
-Psalm 62: 5-7 (NIV)
Maybe no one will read this. That's okay because I think I just need to remind myself of this stuff.
I think I forget how desperately I need God on a daily basis. I think in the hustle and bustle of going here, going there, doing this and doing that, I tend to put God on the back burner. This research paper needs to get done or that book needs to be read or I need to grade all of these papers. So, where in my busy schedule did I make God a priority?
I didn't. I haven't. I don't.
Honest moment. I cannot tell you the last time I did devotions. Or read my Bible. Or prayed. There is no excuse for it. I think I have excuses. Sometimes I even think they are good ones. I deceive myself into believing that other things in my life are more important. I buy into the lie that busyness is somehow fulfilling, that I need to fill each second with stuff and things. It's exhausting. It leaves me weary and empty. It leaves me vulnerable and open to bad ideas disguised as good intentions. It leaves my heart mangled and bloody from a war that I was not prepared to fight in and shouldn't have fought in the first place. It breaks down my defenses and lies to my heart about my value. It leaves me isolated, alone, and lonely, leading me to believe that that is all that I am worth.
It leaves me wandering in a dry and thirsty land with little relief.
My soul seeks intimacy with God. I long to be known by the One who created me. It's not just a longing...it is a fierce craving that only spending time in the presence of my Savior can satisfy. I think we all know that feeling, whether we acknowledge it or not. You know that hole you try to fill with relationships, money, possessions, food? That hole that feels full for a little while but is empty again a short time afterward? Yeah, that hole. Do you want to know why it feels empty? Do I want to know why it feels empty?
God. He is the only one who can fill that empty place in my life that I keep temporarily trying to satisfy with stuff and things and people. He is the ONLY ONE who can overtake that emptiness, shine a light in the darkness, breathe life back into a soul that is barely holding on in the desert. He is the only One who has already defeated the enemy of my soul and saved me to be His masterpiece, holy and redeemed. He brings the chaos into order and sets my feet on the path out of the wilderness.
I can't do ANY of this on my own. Any accomplishments I make mean absolutely nothing if God is not the central focus of them. No amount of good grades or praises or accolades mean anything if God isn't the one receiving the glory first and foremost. He has to be the foundation beneath every purpose, every plan, every action, every relationship. It has to be God. It has to be. No one else will do, no other thing will do. It is God and God alone. Sola Scriptura. Sola Fide. Sola Gratia. Solus Christus. Soli Deo Gloria.
I can do better. That's an understatement. I can do immeasurably better than I have been doing. "O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek You; my soul thirsts for You, my body longs for You, in a dry and weary land where there is no water" (Psalm 63:1). I acknowledge that I am in desperate need of my Savior. We all are. Lord, hear our prayer.
my hope comes from Him;
He alone is my rock and my salvation;
He is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
My salvation and my honor depend on God,
He is my mighty rock, my refuge."
-Psalm 62: 5-7 (NIV)
Maybe no one will read this. That's okay because I think I just need to remind myself of this stuff.
I think I forget how desperately I need God on a daily basis. I think in the hustle and bustle of going here, going there, doing this and doing that, I tend to put God on the back burner. This research paper needs to get done or that book needs to be read or I need to grade all of these papers. So, where in my busy schedule did I make God a priority?
I didn't. I haven't. I don't.
Honest moment. I cannot tell you the last time I did devotions. Or read my Bible. Or prayed. There is no excuse for it. I think I have excuses. Sometimes I even think they are good ones. I deceive myself into believing that other things in my life are more important. I buy into the lie that busyness is somehow fulfilling, that I need to fill each second with stuff and things. It's exhausting. It leaves me weary and empty. It leaves me vulnerable and open to bad ideas disguised as good intentions. It leaves my heart mangled and bloody from a war that I was not prepared to fight in and shouldn't have fought in the first place. It breaks down my defenses and lies to my heart about my value. It leaves me isolated, alone, and lonely, leading me to believe that that is all that I am worth.
It leaves me wandering in a dry and thirsty land with little relief.
My soul seeks intimacy with God. I long to be known by the One who created me. It's not just a longing...it is a fierce craving that only spending time in the presence of my Savior can satisfy. I think we all know that feeling, whether we acknowledge it or not. You know that hole you try to fill with relationships, money, possessions, food? That hole that feels full for a little while but is empty again a short time afterward? Yeah, that hole. Do you want to know why it feels empty? Do I want to know why it feels empty?
God. He is the only one who can fill that empty place in my life that I keep temporarily trying to satisfy with stuff and things and people. He is the ONLY ONE who can overtake that emptiness, shine a light in the darkness, breathe life back into a soul that is barely holding on in the desert. He is the only One who has already defeated the enemy of my soul and saved me to be His masterpiece, holy and redeemed. He brings the chaos into order and sets my feet on the path out of the wilderness.
I can't do ANY of this on my own. Any accomplishments I make mean absolutely nothing if God is not the central focus of them. No amount of good grades or praises or accolades mean anything if God isn't the one receiving the glory first and foremost. He has to be the foundation beneath every purpose, every plan, every action, every relationship. It has to be God. It has to be. No one else will do, no other thing will do. It is God and God alone. Sola Scriptura. Sola Fide. Sola Gratia. Solus Christus. Soli Deo Gloria.
I can do better. That's an understatement. I can do immeasurably better than I have been doing. "O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek You; my soul thirsts for You, my body longs for You, in a dry and weary land where there is no water" (Psalm 63:1). I acknowledge that I am in desperate need of my Savior. We all are. Lord, hear our prayer.
06 October 2018
Let That Be Enough
It's been a hot second since I updated everyone, so here I am. Welcome to an update blog.
Where do I even start? It feels like so much has happened recently. Within the last week alone, two people that I know have left this earth and gone home to Jesus. I had a birthday (my 40th). There was a death on campus. EVERYONE is getting sick, including myself. It snowed. I mean, what? Yeah. It happened.
What a weird week. I'm glad it's over.
I'm finding that I really enjoy teaching. I still get really nervous being in front of a class of kids, but now that I have gotten to know them, it's not as scary. We have good discussions and they seem engaged. I'll be getting back their third essays this week and assigning the first of two research papers in a little over two weeks. I feel like I am constantly lesson planning, grading, basically just trying to keep my head above water. I'm also being observed this Wednesday, so there is extra pressure to make sure everything is top notch.
My actual grad classes are good. There is one that I kind of loathe, one that I really love, and one that I am indifferent towards. Sometimes I feel stupid when the professors open up certain books or topics for discussion. I am not well read in Plato and Aristotle, but everyone seems to keep referring to them with EVERY SINGLE DISCUSSION in class whether it pertains to what we are talking about or not. I frankly do not care to be that well acquainted with either one. I made the comment that I didn't care for William Faulkner's work and was almost run out of town. "How can you NOT like Faulkner! You are an English grad student!" Surprise, surprise fellow Lit. majors...I don't care for William Faulkner. And while we are at it, I don't sit and talk philosophy over lunch with my fellow graduate students. I would rather talk about something else, thank you very much.
Not everyone is like that, but I definitely feel like the odd duck out. In my Seminar in American Lit class (the one I love), we are studying southern literature. There are a lot of references to God and faith. I very quickly caught on that I am in the minority in my Christian beliefs. That is fine. I can hold my own. It just makes a somewhat lonely experience a little more isolating. Where I have knowledge of the Bible, everyone else seems to have knowledge of Socrates. No one is rude about it. We are in Minnesota after all. That Minnesota nice thing is a thing. It just makes me feel inferior to all of those people who apparently have been studying all of this other stuff for years and I am sitting here with barely a clue sometimes as to what they are talking about. Grad students, it is possible to formulate a sentence without throwing in some philosophical catchphrase or concept. Oh well. It is what it is. The homework hasn't been bad so far. It's just time-consuming and something I have to juggle with all of my G.A. duties.
In summary, all of that leaves little time for anything else. All of the Bible studies I want to attend are either during times when I am teaching or times when I have class. I really enjoy Sunday mornings, though. The sermons are solidly grounded in the Bible, and people seem pretty friendly. No complaints there. I'm finding I need that teaching more and more as having to stand my ground at school gets to be exhausting. It's becoming more important as the semester wears on.
But all of this stuff is not really what I wanted to talk about in this post. This week, friends. This week has been emotionally draining. It's crazy to think that someone could be alive one minute and gone the next. Three deaths this week. Three. Two I knew and one I didn't, but it doesn't make it any less tragic or sad. And honestly, I shouldn't be surprised when things like this happen. I have been to more funerals in my life than weddings. This is an inevitability of life. It comes to an end. However, for the two that I knew, eternity was waiting for them. A proud Father, pleased with His children, welcomed them home with open arms. "Well done, good and faithful servants." They are assuredly dancing on those golden streets in the presence of their Savior, whole and healed.
When events like this happen, it really makes me take stock of my own life. Do the people I care about know that I love them? Am I treating others around me with the compassion and courtesy that they deserve? Am I being God's hands and feet in a dry and weary land? Have I been faithful to the will and purpose that God has set for me? Have I been a good friend? A good sister? A good daughter? I certainly hope that I have. I know Bonnie was. She was the most selfless person I have ever known. There was never a moment I could remember where she put her own needs before others. She was constantly a witness for God's kingdom. She was a tireless worker during the harvest, and there wasn't one of God's children that Bonnie didn't love unconditionally. She was a rock star in her life and in her faith. If I could be like one person, I would want to be like her. I find that I am honored that the day she went home to be with Jesus was the day of my birthday. Although I will miss her dearly here on Earth, I will rejoice and celebrate her homegoing every year on the 3rd of October. Bonnie is definitely someone who deserves to be celebrated.
It's been a wild ride this week, my friends. It's a ride, however, that I am glad to be on. Lord, make me a torchbearer for Your kingdom and a vessel for Your love to pour out through. At the end of the day, let me lay it all on the table knowing I did what You asked me to do. At the end of the day, may Your love sustain and strengthen me. Let that be enough. Amen.
Where do I even start? It feels like so much has happened recently. Within the last week alone, two people that I know have left this earth and gone home to Jesus. I had a birthday (my 40th). There was a death on campus. EVERYONE is getting sick, including myself. It snowed. I mean, what? Yeah. It happened.
What a weird week. I'm glad it's over.
I'm finding that I really enjoy teaching. I still get really nervous being in front of a class of kids, but now that I have gotten to know them, it's not as scary. We have good discussions and they seem engaged. I'll be getting back their third essays this week and assigning the first of two research papers in a little over two weeks. I feel like I am constantly lesson planning, grading, basically just trying to keep my head above water. I'm also being observed this Wednesday, so there is extra pressure to make sure everything is top notch.
My actual grad classes are good. There is one that I kind of loathe, one that I really love, and one that I am indifferent towards. Sometimes I feel stupid when the professors open up certain books or topics for discussion. I am not well read in Plato and Aristotle, but everyone seems to keep referring to them with EVERY SINGLE DISCUSSION in class whether it pertains to what we are talking about or not. I frankly do not care to be that well acquainted with either one. I made the comment that I didn't care for William Faulkner's work and was almost run out of town. "How can you NOT like Faulkner! You are an English grad student!" Surprise, surprise fellow Lit. majors...I don't care for William Faulkner. And while we are at it, I don't sit and talk philosophy over lunch with my fellow graduate students. I would rather talk about something else, thank you very much.
Not everyone is like that, but I definitely feel like the odd duck out. In my Seminar in American Lit class (the one I love), we are studying southern literature. There are a lot of references to God and faith. I very quickly caught on that I am in the minority in my Christian beliefs. That is fine. I can hold my own. It just makes a somewhat lonely experience a little more isolating. Where I have knowledge of the Bible, everyone else seems to have knowledge of Socrates. No one is rude about it. We are in Minnesota after all. That Minnesota nice thing is a thing. It just makes me feel inferior to all of those people who apparently have been studying all of this other stuff for years and I am sitting here with barely a clue sometimes as to what they are talking about. Grad students, it is possible to formulate a sentence without throwing in some philosophical catchphrase or concept. Oh well. It is what it is. The homework hasn't been bad so far. It's just time-consuming and something I have to juggle with all of my G.A. duties.
In summary, all of that leaves little time for anything else. All of the Bible studies I want to attend are either during times when I am teaching or times when I have class. I really enjoy Sunday mornings, though. The sermons are solidly grounded in the Bible, and people seem pretty friendly. No complaints there. I'm finding I need that teaching more and more as having to stand my ground at school gets to be exhausting. It's becoming more important as the semester wears on.
But all of this stuff is not really what I wanted to talk about in this post. This week, friends. This week has been emotionally draining. It's crazy to think that someone could be alive one minute and gone the next. Three deaths this week. Three. Two I knew and one I didn't, but it doesn't make it any less tragic or sad. And honestly, I shouldn't be surprised when things like this happen. I have been to more funerals in my life than weddings. This is an inevitability of life. It comes to an end. However, for the two that I knew, eternity was waiting for them. A proud Father, pleased with His children, welcomed them home with open arms. "Well done, good and faithful servants." They are assuredly dancing on those golden streets in the presence of their Savior, whole and healed.
When events like this happen, it really makes me take stock of my own life. Do the people I care about know that I love them? Am I treating others around me with the compassion and courtesy that they deserve? Am I being God's hands and feet in a dry and weary land? Have I been faithful to the will and purpose that God has set for me? Have I been a good friend? A good sister? A good daughter? I certainly hope that I have. I know Bonnie was. She was the most selfless person I have ever known. There was never a moment I could remember where she put her own needs before others. She was constantly a witness for God's kingdom. She was a tireless worker during the harvest, and there wasn't one of God's children that Bonnie didn't love unconditionally. She was a rock star in her life and in her faith. If I could be like one person, I would want to be like her. I find that I am honored that the day she went home to be with Jesus was the day of my birthday. Although I will miss her dearly here on Earth, I will rejoice and celebrate her homegoing every year on the 3rd of October. Bonnie is definitely someone who deserves to be celebrated.
It's been a wild ride this week, my friends. It's a ride, however, that I am glad to be on. Lord, make me a torchbearer for Your kingdom and a vessel for Your love to pour out through. At the end of the day, let me lay it all on the table knowing I did what You asked me to do. At the end of the day, may Your love sustain and strengthen me. Let that be enough. Amen.
20 August 2018
An honest post about life right now
I just need to get some things out of my head. You good? Yeah? Here we go.
Finally, I get a schedule and routine back this week after nearly three weeks of no routine and no schedule. I drive myself a little crazy when I have nothing to do, and in turn, drive other people crazy as well.
Tomorrow starts this insanely cool new world for me. It is completely different than anything I have ever done before, and I am freaking out a little. I tend to get lost inside of my own thoughts and it tends to render me sleepless and insecure. Honesty, friends. This is straight up honesty. I feel insecure in my own abilities, even though there will be guidance every step of the way. Orientation on how to actually teach this Composition class starts tomorrow. I meet the other person in my cohort, we start developing our individual syllabi for the semester and begin the process of putting together days, weeks, and months of lesson plans for 25 eager and not so eager students. I even got my first e-mail addressed to "Professor Olivier" today.
It is a lot to take in.
I also purchased my books for the semester for the classes I am taking as a grad student. This is also a lot. In general, I will be very busy once this semester begins on the 27th. I look forward to the distraction of it all. I won't miss my family and friends so much if I have something to throw my time and attention into.
I feel like my actual Bemidji life can finally begin in earnest with purpose and direction because these three weeks in between have been straight up awful with the exception of a few weekends of travel. It's like the anticipation of something coming but having to be patient enough to wait on it.
Let's just get started already!
I have been waiting for this week since May. Waiting with nervous anticipation. Driving everyone around me crazy because I talk about it so much. Trying to figure out a good balance of communication so that I'm not bothering people when I shouldn't be bothering them. It kind of tends to make me want to withdraw and not even try when now is the time I probably need people the most. Right at the beginning of new things. I want people to share these new things with, so from here on out, it'll be right here, dear reader. I'll use this blog. Maybe if I feel like someone is reading it, I won't feel so disconnected from everyone. I should probably stop putting everything on Facebook and Snapchat and Instagram, too. Although, you will be linked to this through Facebook. I guess I can't win them all.
I signed on for this. I accepted a position at BSU. I moved to Bemidji not really knowing anyone. I said yes because God made a way and I believe in His will and plan for my life. I believe He already has people in place for me along this new path. I believe He has a good plan and purpose for what I am going to be doing this year. That brings me peace in a hurricane of emotions. He's good like that. He also brought me to a church yesterday that I believe I could put some roots down in. That grounds me a little more as I feel I have just been floating since I got here. It turns this from the place I moved to a place that feels a little more like home. Who knows. In a few weeks, this might be a very different blog post. I am hoping that it is.
I guess I just didn't realize how lonely this road would be. I was ill-prepared for it and it kind of knocked the wind out of me. However, each day that passes and the more distance there is between where I was and where I am makes it a little easier. Thank goodness God is holding onto me. I really need that every single day, every single second. I need Him like I need my next breath, and in some ways, I feel like that is right where He needs me to be. Totally dependent on Him.
So this is where I am right now. Setting out to conquer a dream that God set deep in my heart before I was even a speck in my own parents' eyes. Don't forget about me, ok? Prayer helps. It really does. As Central embarks on a new school year in a week, I will definitely feel that resonate as this is the first time in nine years I won't be there for the first day of school. I miss my kids. I miss my family. I miss my friends. This is me right now. No pity, please. I just needed a sounding board, and I do that so much better with the written word than I do with the spoken word. I will be okay. I promise. There is beauty in the struggle of life. One just has to look for it.
My prayer for you this week is that you allow God to show you who He is. That you would see the beauty in the people around you. That you would never take for granted the people He has placed in your life. That you would see beauty in the struggles and triumphs of your life. I pray that you would do something kind for someone else this week. I pray that you would see the best in others and compliment someone. You just never know who God has placed in your path. That compliment or kind act could be the reassurance that a person needs that God loves them and that other people actually see them. It could be the reminder they need that they are not alone on this planet. Remind people that they are loved and that they have a purpose. Everyone wants to be known. Get to know someone new this week, or touch base with an old friend. Connect and be a blessing.
Dear reader, you are beloved and important. You are a blessing to me whether you know it or not. God loves you so much and so do I. Take care and God bless.
Finally, I get a schedule and routine back this week after nearly three weeks of no routine and no schedule. I drive myself a little crazy when I have nothing to do, and in turn, drive other people crazy as well.
Tomorrow starts this insanely cool new world for me. It is completely different than anything I have ever done before, and I am freaking out a little. I tend to get lost inside of my own thoughts and it tends to render me sleepless and insecure. Honesty, friends. This is straight up honesty. I feel insecure in my own abilities, even though there will be guidance every step of the way. Orientation on how to actually teach this Composition class starts tomorrow. I meet the other person in my cohort, we start developing our individual syllabi for the semester and begin the process of putting together days, weeks, and months of lesson plans for 25 eager and not so eager students. I even got my first e-mail addressed to "Professor Olivier" today.
It is a lot to take in.
I also purchased my books for the semester for the classes I am taking as a grad student. This is also a lot. In general, I will be very busy once this semester begins on the 27th. I look forward to the distraction of it all. I won't miss my family and friends so much if I have something to throw my time and attention into.
I feel like my actual Bemidji life can finally begin in earnest with purpose and direction because these three weeks in between have been straight up awful with the exception of a few weekends of travel. It's like the anticipation of something coming but having to be patient enough to wait on it.
Let's just get started already!
I have been waiting for this week since May. Waiting with nervous anticipation. Driving everyone around me crazy because I talk about it so much. Trying to figure out a good balance of communication so that I'm not bothering people when I shouldn't be bothering them. It kind of tends to make me want to withdraw and not even try when now is the time I probably need people the most. Right at the beginning of new things. I want people to share these new things with, so from here on out, it'll be right here, dear reader. I'll use this blog. Maybe if I feel like someone is reading it, I won't feel so disconnected from everyone. I should probably stop putting everything on Facebook and Snapchat and Instagram, too. Although, you will be linked to this through Facebook. I guess I can't win them all.
I signed on for this. I accepted a position at BSU. I moved to Bemidji not really knowing anyone. I said yes because God made a way and I believe in His will and plan for my life. I believe He already has people in place for me along this new path. I believe He has a good plan and purpose for what I am going to be doing this year. That brings me peace in a hurricane of emotions. He's good like that. He also brought me to a church yesterday that I believe I could put some roots down in. That grounds me a little more as I feel I have just been floating since I got here. It turns this from the place I moved to a place that feels a little more like home. Who knows. In a few weeks, this might be a very different blog post. I am hoping that it is.
I guess I just didn't realize how lonely this road would be. I was ill-prepared for it and it kind of knocked the wind out of me. However, each day that passes and the more distance there is between where I was and where I am makes it a little easier. Thank goodness God is holding onto me. I really need that every single day, every single second. I need Him like I need my next breath, and in some ways, I feel like that is right where He needs me to be. Totally dependent on Him.
So this is where I am right now. Setting out to conquer a dream that God set deep in my heart before I was even a speck in my own parents' eyes. Don't forget about me, ok? Prayer helps. It really does. As Central embarks on a new school year in a week, I will definitely feel that resonate as this is the first time in nine years I won't be there for the first day of school. I miss my kids. I miss my family. I miss my friends. This is me right now. No pity, please. I just needed a sounding board, and I do that so much better with the written word than I do with the spoken word. I will be okay. I promise. There is beauty in the struggle of life. One just has to look for it.
My prayer for you this week is that you allow God to show you who He is. That you would see the beauty in the people around you. That you would never take for granted the people He has placed in your life. That you would see beauty in the struggles and triumphs of your life. I pray that you would do something kind for someone else this week. I pray that you would see the best in others and compliment someone. You just never know who God has placed in your path. That compliment or kind act could be the reassurance that a person needs that God loves them and that other people actually see them. It could be the reminder they need that they are not alone on this planet. Remind people that they are loved and that they have a purpose. Everyone wants to be known. Get to know someone new this week, or touch base with an old friend. Connect and be a blessing.
Dear reader, you are beloved and important. You are a blessing to me whether you know it or not. God loves you so much and so do I. Take care and God bless.
31 July 2018
Bemidji- Foreward (it's a little messy as all great works in progress are)
Week 1- post-camp. I have finally landed permanently in Bemidji after closing the book on the last chapter of my life in Prinsburg. The cover of this new book is shiny and full of hope and possibility. It's got that new experience smell to it. I like it.
I'm currently sitting at Starbucks on Paul Bunyan Drive (yes, that's the actual name of the street). I don't love the layout. It's way too open and not very comfy like my usual haunt, Caribou. There is a Caribou just up the street, but I thought I would give this a try. Being in this establishment reaffirms to me the knowledge that I am firmly planted in Camp Caribou. Hey, at least I tried.
I kind of like the fact that no one knows me here. I like being anonymous in a new town. The luster of that is going to wear off soon enough, though. My fall schedule isn't too terrible, but it will be busy and once I settle into a routine I will want friends and community- both of which I am terribly afraid I will not find. I can't be running back to Prinsburg or Slayton or Carlton or to the cities every weekend, so community here needs to be a priority at some point. For right now, though, I am content in my anonymity and am grateful for quiet moments to pull my thoughts together, type them out, and get them out of my head.
However, let me sell Bemidji to you because I am going to want visitors. I live in a beautiful community. From the beautiful forests to Lake Bemidji to the Mississippi River and the surrounding state parks, it is a haven for those of you seeking a getaway from the craziness of life in a picturesque setting. This place is ideal for my friends who love fall. It is gorgeous here in the autumn, and I would highly recommend you make a point to come and see the fall colors in all of their spectacular brilliance. We have everything.....lots of trails, coffee shops, places to eat, Walmart, Target...I mean, I live in civilization so we have stuff like electricity, wifi, and working bathrooms. My apartment is adorable, yet small. I can make it work for visitors, though. My landlord is all sorts of accommodating, and there are hotels in the area. No worries, friends, we will figure it out.
Here's to the opening of a new book in a new town and a new life. This was the foreward. As Chapter One begins to unfold, I'll type that out, too. God has that one written already, but I get to discover it with childlike curiosity and wonder as new experiences and new people come across my path. He has a good plan and purpose for me, friends, and I begin the process of discovering what that is. Terrified, frightened, excited, and hopeful all at once. A complete and beautiful mess of emotions all wrapped up in one Lori. A perfectly imperfect work in progress.
I'm currently sitting at Starbucks on Paul Bunyan Drive (yes, that's the actual name of the street). I don't love the layout. It's way too open and not very comfy like my usual haunt, Caribou. There is a Caribou just up the street, but I thought I would give this a try. Being in this establishment reaffirms to me the knowledge that I am firmly planted in Camp Caribou. Hey, at least I tried.
I kind of like the fact that no one knows me here. I like being anonymous in a new town. The luster of that is going to wear off soon enough, though. My fall schedule isn't too terrible, but it will be busy and once I settle into a routine I will want friends and community- both of which I am terribly afraid I will not find. I can't be running back to Prinsburg or Slayton or Carlton or to the cities every weekend, so community here needs to be a priority at some point. For right now, though, I am content in my anonymity and am grateful for quiet moments to pull my thoughts together, type them out, and get them out of my head.
However, let me sell Bemidji to you because I am going to want visitors. I live in a beautiful community. From the beautiful forests to Lake Bemidji to the Mississippi River and the surrounding state parks, it is a haven for those of you seeking a getaway from the craziness of life in a picturesque setting. This place is ideal for my friends who love fall. It is gorgeous here in the autumn, and I would highly recommend you make a point to come and see the fall colors in all of their spectacular brilliance. We have everything.....lots of trails, coffee shops, places to eat, Walmart, Target...I mean, I live in civilization so we have stuff like electricity, wifi, and working bathrooms. My apartment is adorable, yet small. I can make it work for visitors, though. My landlord is all sorts of accommodating, and there are hotels in the area. No worries, friends, we will figure it out.
Here's to the opening of a new book in a new town and a new life. This was the foreward. As Chapter One begins to unfold, I'll type that out, too. God has that one written already, but I get to discover it with childlike curiosity and wonder as new experiences and new people come across my path. He has a good plan and purpose for me, friends, and I begin the process of discovering what that is. Terrified, frightened, excited, and hopeful all at once. A complete and beautiful mess of emotions all wrapped up in one Lori. A perfectly imperfect work in progress.
13 July 2018
Purpose and Mission
Good morning, dear ones. I thought I would take moment to write up a quick something. This way you get an update and I get to get some stuff out of my head. Ready? Here we go.
It's been a summer already, friends. This past week was a hot mess on a lot of different levels. Cabin stuff, friend stuff, life stuff. Just a mess. That can be a blog for another time, though. Only two weeks left and then the reality of complete and life-altering change will finally set in. I don't think that I have completely accepted that I won't drive my car in the direction of Prinsburg when July 29 rolls around. So far summer is as summer has been. I finished school, came to camp, etc. The normal routine of things. However, when this "normal" part of my summer ends, I face a future that scares me....a lot. But that is not what this blog is about so I will get to the point. Next paragraph, please.
When I come to camp, I get to meet a whole new group of young adults or young adults whom I have known for years who have come back. I'm kind of the odd person out because I am so much older than, well, ALL of them. However, I think that this works to my benefit. I enjoy helping people. At camp, there is never a shortage of help that can be offered and provided when it comes to young adults trying to navigate this crazy, tricky thing called life. I was there once. I was a young adult. I remember the struggle. I'm not THAT far removed from it. I believe that God gives me this golden opportunity each summer to help where I can. Offer advice when it is appropriate, Spirit-led, and needed. There's a certain purpose and mission to it that I can get behind.
Maybe, just maybe, I'm not as done with young adult ministry as I previously thought. When I was actually a leader in a young adult ministry, I couldn't get away from it fast enough. I burned out on it and I think I finally figured out why. I was a young adult ministering to other young adults about things that I myself had not yet figured out. How could I lead other young adults when I didn't know who I was? I was struggling with life and trying to be a leader for others who were struggling with life. It was a recipe for disaster and that is essentially what it became- a disaster. I burned out so hardcore that I swore I would never do it again.
And then camp happens and I am surrounded by young adults. However, I am older now. I have a little more life experience and feel like I am better grounded. I don't have everything figured out. In fact, some days I feel like I have nothing figured out. The difference is that I know the One who does and I trust Him more than I did when I was a young adult. Is it possible that maybe, just maybe, God is bringing me back to a ministry that I once dearly loved? Is it possible that He is using my time at camp to reignite a purpose and mission that lay dormant for years? It is a possibility. I just need to get out of the way and let God have His way.
What does that mean going forward? I have no idea. I just work here. However, I do feel Him stirring up something inside of me that I haven't felt in a really long time and it's exciting. It kind of feels like going home.
I guess that is all I have for now. Still a work in progress, still moving whichever way God needs me to move, still feeling unsettled and out of my comfort zone. In other words, I'm in just the right spot.
It's been a summer already, friends. This past week was a hot mess on a lot of different levels. Cabin stuff, friend stuff, life stuff. Just a mess. That can be a blog for another time, though. Only two weeks left and then the reality of complete and life-altering change will finally set in. I don't think that I have completely accepted that I won't drive my car in the direction of Prinsburg when July 29 rolls around. So far summer is as summer has been. I finished school, came to camp, etc. The normal routine of things. However, when this "normal" part of my summer ends, I face a future that scares me....a lot. But that is not what this blog is about so I will get to the point. Next paragraph, please.
When I come to camp, I get to meet a whole new group of young adults or young adults whom I have known for years who have come back. I'm kind of the odd person out because I am so much older than, well, ALL of them. However, I think that this works to my benefit. I enjoy helping people. At camp, there is never a shortage of help that can be offered and provided when it comes to young adults trying to navigate this crazy, tricky thing called life. I was there once. I was a young adult. I remember the struggle. I'm not THAT far removed from it. I believe that God gives me this golden opportunity each summer to help where I can. Offer advice when it is appropriate, Spirit-led, and needed. There's a certain purpose and mission to it that I can get behind.
Maybe, just maybe, I'm not as done with young adult ministry as I previously thought. When I was actually a leader in a young adult ministry, I couldn't get away from it fast enough. I burned out on it and I think I finally figured out why. I was a young adult ministering to other young adults about things that I myself had not yet figured out. How could I lead other young adults when I didn't know who I was? I was struggling with life and trying to be a leader for others who were struggling with life. It was a recipe for disaster and that is essentially what it became- a disaster. I burned out so hardcore that I swore I would never do it again.
And then camp happens and I am surrounded by young adults. However, I am older now. I have a little more life experience and feel like I am better grounded. I don't have everything figured out. In fact, some days I feel like I have nothing figured out. The difference is that I know the One who does and I trust Him more than I did when I was a young adult. Is it possible that maybe, just maybe, God is bringing me back to a ministry that I once dearly loved? Is it possible that He is using my time at camp to reignite a purpose and mission that lay dormant for years? It is a possibility. I just need to get out of the way and let God have His way.
What does that mean going forward? I have no idea. I just work here. However, I do feel Him stirring up something inside of me that I haven't felt in a really long time and it's exciting. It kind of feels like going home.
I guess that is all I have for now. Still a work in progress, still moving whichever way God needs me to move, still feeling unsettled and out of my comfort zone. In other words, I'm in just the right spot.
01 June 2018
Though None Go With Me
I move today. I leave the safe community that I have been a part of for the past nine years and move on to something brand new. I leave friends, family, and familiarity to venture into an unknown future that pulses with possibility and promise.
I'm scared to death. I wouldn't be honest with myself if I didn't at least admit that. I am terrified of a future that holds uncertainty. Yes, I know what I am going to be doing and where I am living, but past that lives a world of unknowns that seek to demand my attention and focus. The unknowns and what if's invite me to a place of anxiety and fear, and each time I am a willing participant. What if I struggle with finding community? What if I hate living there? What if I'm not good at teaching and I completely blow it? What if, what if, what if?
In all of these concerns and questions, I forget. I forget the One who holds the stars and planets in alignment and sets them into motion. I forget the One who hears my broken whispers and feels my overwhelming fear and calms those waters so I can make it safely to shore. I forget the One who holds my future in His hands and sets my feet on the path He has mapped out for me. I forget and I forget and I forget. Thankfully, in a moment of panic, He whispers, "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” A reminder from Joshua 1:9, a verse that I have anchored myself to in times of trouble and strife. A verse that I am reminded of on days of joy and peace. A verse that resounds throughout my heart now as I embark on a new journey, turning a new page in a new book and watching as the Author begins to craft this new story.
For this season, I go alone. However, I am not alone. I have a community of faith where I have found support and love over the past nine years. I have the love of my family. Most importantly, God goes before me, behind me, and all around me. I take one step at a time into a future that He has created. I may not know where the path goes, but He does and that is enough. That is enough.
I can be brave. I can be fearless. I can be a messenger of peace for His kingdom. I can shine His light in dark places. Challenge accepted. Am I sad to leave? Absolutely. Is it hard to leave familiarity, safety, and comfort? Without a doubt. Does it scare me? Yes. I once heard if your dream doesn't scare you, it isn't big enough. This one definitely qualifies as big enough.
Forward into the future, I take the first shaky step with confidence that my Father is with me. Though none go with me, I do not go alone.
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