I just need to get some things out of my head. You good? Yeah? Here we go.
Finally, I get a schedule and routine back this week after nearly three weeks of no routine and no schedule. I drive myself a little crazy when I have nothing to do, and in turn, drive other people crazy as well.
Tomorrow starts this insanely cool new world for me. It is completely different than anything I have ever done before, and I am freaking out a little. I tend to get lost inside of my own thoughts and it tends to render me sleepless and insecure. Honesty, friends. This is straight up honesty. I feel insecure in my own abilities, even though there will be guidance every step of the way. Orientation on how to actually teach this Composition class starts tomorrow. I meet the other person in my cohort, we start developing our individual syllabi for the semester and begin the process of putting together days, weeks, and months of lesson plans for 25 eager and not so eager students. I even got my first e-mail addressed to "Professor Olivier" today.
It is a lot to take in.
I also purchased my books for the semester for the classes I am taking as a grad student. This is also a lot. In general, I will be very busy once this semester begins on the 27th. I look forward to the distraction of it all. I won't miss my family and friends so much if I have something to throw my time and attention into.
I feel like my actual Bemidji life can finally begin in earnest with purpose and direction because these three weeks in between have been straight up awful with the exception of a few weekends of travel. It's like the anticipation of something coming but having to be patient enough to wait on it.
Let's just get started already!
I have been waiting for this week since May. Waiting with nervous anticipation. Driving everyone around me crazy because I talk about it so much. Trying to figure out a good balance of communication so that I'm not bothering people when I shouldn't be bothering them. It kind of tends to make me want to withdraw and not even try when now is the time I probably need people the most. Right at the beginning of new things. I want people to share these new things with, so from here on out, it'll be right here, dear reader. I'll use this blog. Maybe if I feel like someone is reading it, I won't feel so disconnected from everyone. I should probably stop putting everything on Facebook and Snapchat and Instagram, too. Although, you will be linked to this through Facebook. I guess I can't win them all.
I signed on for this. I accepted a position at BSU. I moved to Bemidji not really knowing anyone. I said yes because God made a way and I believe in His will and plan for my life. I believe He already has people in place for me along this new path. I believe He has a good plan and purpose for what I am going to be doing this year. That brings me peace in a hurricane of emotions. He's good like that. He also brought me to a church yesterday that I believe I could put some roots down in. That grounds me a little more as I feel I have just been floating since I got here. It turns this from the place I moved to a place that feels a little more like home. Who knows. In a few weeks, this might be a very different blog post. I am hoping that it is.
I guess I just didn't realize how lonely this road would be. I was ill-prepared for it and it kind of knocked the wind out of me. However, each day that passes and the more distance there is between where I was and where I am makes it a little easier. Thank goodness God is holding onto me. I really need that every single day, every single second. I need Him like I need my next breath, and in some ways, I feel like that is right where He needs me to be. Totally dependent on Him.
So this is where I am right now. Setting out to conquer a dream that God set deep in my heart before I was even a speck in my own parents' eyes. Don't forget about me, ok? Prayer helps. It really does. As Central embarks on a new school year in a week, I will definitely feel that resonate as this is the first time in nine years I won't be there for the first day of school. I miss my kids. I miss my family. I miss my friends. This is me right now. No pity, please. I just needed a sounding board, and I do that so much better with the written word than I do with the spoken word. I will be okay. I promise. There is beauty in the struggle of life. One just has to look for it.
My prayer for you this week is that you allow God to show you who He is. That you would see the beauty in the people around you. That you would never take for granted the people He has placed in your life. That you would see beauty in the struggles and triumphs of your life. I pray that you would do something kind for someone else this week. I pray that you would see the best in others and compliment someone. You just never know who God has placed in your path. That compliment or kind act could be the reassurance that a person needs that God loves them and that other people actually see them. It could be the reminder they need that they are not alone on this planet. Remind people that they are loved and that they have a purpose. Everyone wants to be known. Get to know someone new this week, or touch base with an old friend. Connect and be a blessing.
Dear reader, you are beloved and important. You are a blessing to me whether you know it or not. God loves you so much and so do I. Take care and God bless.
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