So many, many things have been changing lately. So much to try and wrap my head around. Apparently God has some hard and fast lessons for me to learn yet.
I learned one very quickly today.
I just don't even know where to begin, or the struggle that has been two years of the same emotions for the same guy that never ever amount to anything because I am gullible. I say it over and over and over again to all of my single friends...guard your heart. I say it so often to so many other people but I rarely take my own advice.
I need to do a better job at that. Guarding my heart. Making sure that I don't let the emotions I am feeling trump the truth of the actual situation. I let my heart lead when my brain is like, "HEY LADY! Don't go there!" My brain is smarter than my heart is. And I think it is a terrible idea to "follow your heart". The Bible even says it is deceitful, and who can know it (Jeremiah 17:9)? Why would I want to let my emotions lead me? Isn't that like setting yourself up for disappointment?
Yep. That's exactly what it does. The consequences of "following your heart" lead to unmet expectations, anger, resentment, and generally disappointment. Emotions are such fluid things. Finicky things. Deceptive things. They lead many astray, take the Truth of God and trade it in for a lie so that you can have one blissful moment and a lifetime to regret it.
Okay, not all emotion is bad. I am not saying that. I am saying, however, that you shouldn't base your understanding of Truth on emotion. You need to base Truth on, well, TRUTH. The Word of God. Be plugged in and ready to download what He says about relationships. Godly relationships that can stand the test of time and not sway with the wind. It is good to have feelings, but don't let those feelings dictate what is right or wrong in a situation. God's Word should dictate that, and when you are standing on the Solid Rock, right and wrong becomes as easy to identify as black and white.
Feeling and emotion based living leads you to gray areas that compromise your faith, your beliefs, your morals and your life. It's not real estate that I would buy and definitely not real estate I would even consider when someone else holds the keys to the shanty built on shifting sand.
If you find yourself in that situation, RUN IN THE OTHER DIRECTION.
I know, I write on this subject a lot. However, this is what is very really happening in my life right now. If I am going to invest my life into someone else's (a future spouse for instance), I want to know that his life is build on a rock. His house build on solid ground. His faith and love for God prominent in his life and more important than me. That he is consistent in how he addresses others, how he treats people, and that he is consistent when no one else is watching.
Steady. Stable. Grounded in the very Word of God.
That guy exists somewhere, right? I am praying for it.
Until then, guard my heart. Guard your heart. Don't sell yourself short. Don't settle because you don't think you can do any better. You are a daughter of the MOST HIGH KING. Don't you think your Father in Heaven has your best in mind? Don't you think He knows your future and knows who is in it? He has a plan. I know He does. Sometimes it is easier to believe that than other times, but He does have a good plan.
And when it happens, you will wonder why you ever cried over the wrong one. You will wonder why you wasted so much time on something that wasn't going to amount to anything.
Because that's what I did. And I am not doing that anymore. Just another thing that God wants full control of. I am glad to let Him deal with it. I am sick to death of worrying and crying and getting down on myself over someone who really could care less about me. God has a better plan and a better idea. It's time I ran with that.
God, it's Yours. I praise You for what You are doing and going to do. Amen.
19 April 2013
17 April 2013
It Happens In A Blink
Good evening, friends. What a day. The only word that I can use to describe it is...emotional.
Joppa is a young adult ministry that I have been an active part of for the past nine years. It is an amazing tool of God to reach the young adults of West Central Minnesota. I thought I would be a part of this ministry forever.
But God has another plan.
After being away from it for a month and a half, I went back last night. I was excited and a bit nervous. I wasn't sure what to expect really. I just knew that God had given me the go ahead to attend, so I went.
I was excited to be back...at first. As the night wore on, however, I started to feel this sense that I was not where I belonged. I sat way up in the back and looked down at the crazy, awesome young adults that make up this beloved ministry. And I am pretty sure I didn't hear a word of what the speaker said.
I was struggling because I knew something that I didn't want to voice because then I would have to accept one very real fact: that God was moving me on from Joppa. He was asking me to lay down something very precious to me. A place of refuge and family for me. He was asking me to walk away and trust Him.
As I sat there a million memories and the faces of nine years of Joppa people flooded my mind and I tried to stuff back down the tears that were starting to form. I had been praying and asking God for a month and a half what my future in this ministry was. I was finally getting an answer and it felt like I was getting sucker punched in the gut.
During prayer time, a friend of mine asked me, "so, are you glad to be back?" And that's when I let it all out. I told them that God had confirmed to me that indeed I was moving out of this season of Joppa. I expressed my fear of being forgotten once I was gone. I told them that I felt like Joppa had been this baby that I had nurtured and cared for and I was finally having to let it go and watch that kid go off to college and trust that God knew what He was doing. I was reassured that my community would still be there for me. I needed to hear that.
I knew. I was done. And then I went to Applebee's.
At first I couldn't find a seat, so I just stood behind people listening, taking it all in. Then I finally secured a position and let myself relax a little, listen to the conversation around me. Smiled at the laughter and just took a look around at this group of people that God had assembled. I said a silent prayer of thanks for Him allowing me the honor of being a part of this ministry for so long. I genuinely love these people. It makes my heart leap when I hear them talking about Jesus. When I hear them laughing with one another. When I see family being family in Christ.
The evening wore down, and after a few more people telling me they were glad I was back, I knew I needed to leave. I didn't have the heart to say I wouldn't be back. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Instead I said nothing, but politely smiled. A few goodbyes and I was walking out the door, knowing that life wouldn't really be the same again.
The most amazing thing about this is how much peace I have. I have been a wreck most of the day, but even through the emotions I have had deep peace. I sent a letter to the leadership team tendering my resignation from leadership. I practically balled as I wrote the thing.
I feel like I am grieving. So many things have happened lately and so much of my life feels like it is in this state of constant change. But this, this is a huge part of my life. Tuesday's will never really be the same and I know that life will move forward and all of these wonderful people will still be there, but the dynamic will be different.
And I will miss them. I already do. But I also know that I am excited for where He will take me. And now I get to be in ministry at my place of employment. I am so grateful that God led me to Central. So grateful. And He is calling me to really step into a ministry that helps these kids to really know Jesus. Not just know about Him, but to KNOW Him. When I got out of the van this morning and was maneuvering through the little stampede of kids playing Lightening on the basketball court, I knew that this is where I am needed. This is where I am suppose to be.
This is right where I belong. I am excited for what the future holds. I am excited to be able to share my faith with these students. To not only be their librarian, but to be someone they can talk to. Someone they can trust, because once upon a time back in 2004, someone did the same thing for me.
So, to my Joppa friends...thank you. Thank you for your friendship. I am blessed by you all and excited to see how God is going to grow these relationships in the future. It has been a stellar nine years, and there are many more in store for this ministry. I am so excited to see what God is going to do through the ministry and through all of you! I am excited to see who God calls into leadership. It is always a blessing to see someone realize their identity in Christ and find their full potential in Him. I will be praying continually for you all. Don't worry, I will still be around. You know how to find me. :)
As for His plans for me, I say bring it on. I am excited and blessed to start this new season of life.
Because honestly, I want to live my life with integrity knowing that I did everything I could possible do to bring Him honor and glory above all things. To God alone be the glory and power through everything.
I am ready, God. I am ready. I trust You. Let's do this.
"Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, “This is the way; walk in it.” -Isaiah 30:21 (NIV)
Joppa is a young adult ministry that I have been an active part of for the past nine years. It is an amazing tool of God to reach the young adults of West Central Minnesota. I thought I would be a part of this ministry forever.
But God has another plan.
After being away from it for a month and a half, I went back last night. I was excited and a bit nervous. I wasn't sure what to expect really. I just knew that God had given me the go ahead to attend, so I went.
I was excited to be back...at first. As the night wore on, however, I started to feel this sense that I was not where I belonged. I sat way up in the back and looked down at the crazy, awesome young adults that make up this beloved ministry. And I am pretty sure I didn't hear a word of what the speaker said.
I was struggling because I knew something that I didn't want to voice because then I would have to accept one very real fact: that God was moving me on from Joppa. He was asking me to lay down something very precious to me. A place of refuge and family for me. He was asking me to walk away and trust Him.
As I sat there a million memories and the faces of nine years of Joppa people flooded my mind and I tried to stuff back down the tears that were starting to form. I had been praying and asking God for a month and a half what my future in this ministry was. I was finally getting an answer and it felt like I was getting sucker punched in the gut.
During prayer time, a friend of mine asked me, "so, are you glad to be back?" And that's when I let it all out. I told them that God had confirmed to me that indeed I was moving out of this season of Joppa. I expressed my fear of being forgotten once I was gone. I told them that I felt like Joppa had been this baby that I had nurtured and cared for and I was finally having to let it go and watch that kid go off to college and trust that God knew what He was doing. I was reassured that my community would still be there for me. I needed to hear that.
I knew. I was done. And then I went to Applebee's.
At first I couldn't find a seat, so I just stood behind people listening, taking it all in. Then I finally secured a position and let myself relax a little, listen to the conversation around me. Smiled at the laughter and just took a look around at this group of people that God had assembled. I said a silent prayer of thanks for Him allowing me the honor of being a part of this ministry for so long. I genuinely love these people. It makes my heart leap when I hear them talking about Jesus. When I hear them laughing with one another. When I see family being family in Christ.
The evening wore down, and after a few more people telling me they were glad I was back, I knew I needed to leave. I didn't have the heart to say I wouldn't be back. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Instead I said nothing, but politely smiled. A few goodbyes and I was walking out the door, knowing that life wouldn't really be the same again.
The most amazing thing about this is how much peace I have. I have been a wreck most of the day, but even through the emotions I have had deep peace. I sent a letter to the leadership team tendering my resignation from leadership. I practically balled as I wrote the thing.
I feel like I am grieving. So many things have happened lately and so much of my life feels like it is in this state of constant change. But this, this is a huge part of my life. Tuesday's will never really be the same and I know that life will move forward and all of these wonderful people will still be there, but the dynamic will be different.
And I will miss them. I already do. But I also know that I am excited for where He will take me. And now I get to be in ministry at my place of employment. I am so grateful that God led me to Central. So grateful. And He is calling me to really step into a ministry that helps these kids to really know Jesus. Not just know about Him, but to KNOW Him. When I got out of the van this morning and was maneuvering through the little stampede of kids playing Lightening on the basketball court, I knew that this is where I am needed. This is where I am suppose to be.
This is right where I belong. I am excited for what the future holds. I am excited to be able to share my faith with these students. To not only be their librarian, but to be someone they can talk to. Someone they can trust, because once upon a time back in 2004, someone did the same thing for me.
So, to my Joppa friends...thank you. Thank you for your friendship. I am blessed by you all and excited to see how God is going to grow these relationships in the future. It has been a stellar nine years, and there are many more in store for this ministry. I am so excited to see what God is going to do through the ministry and through all of you! I am excited to see who God calls into leadership. It is always a blessing to see someone realize their identity in Christ and find their full potential in Him. I will be praying continually for you all. Don't worry, I will still be around. You know how to find me. :)
As for His plans for me, I say bring it on. I am excited and blessed to start this new season of life.
Because honestly, I want to live my life with integrity knowing that I did everything I could possible do to bring Him honor and glory above all things. To God alone be the glory and power through everything.
I am ready, God. I am ready. I trust You. Let's do this.
"Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, “This is the way; walk in it.” -Isaiah 30:21 (NIV)
13 April 2013
The Struggle: Part One
Let me tell you a story:
There once was a little girl who dreamed big dreams and spent lazy summer days staring up at the sky or playing outside. She was happy. She was spunky. She was social. Life was good. She had a happy family that lived on a quaint little farm.
The year that her family lost their farm was the year that it began. A pound here, a pound there. A little bigger pants, a size bigger shirt. Nothing that a summer of growing and stretching wouldn't take care of. But as she grew up, she also grew out.
Suddenly kids at school noticed. When before none of them cared, now they made fun of her. On the bus, on the playground, in class, in the lunchroom. It didn't matter. Anywhere was fair game. "Hey piggy." "Watch out, Lori might squash you!" "Lori likes who? Yeah, no guy would want that." "Look at that cow. There's nothing small about her!" Day in and day out throughout elementary and into middle school. The same kids. The same words. The same feelings. The same routine. Run into the house, lock herself in her room, and cry until she fell asleep pleading and asking God why He made her this way. Dreading the bus ride to school. Trying not to make eye contact in the hopes that they wouldn't notice when she was around. Trying to dodge bullets where bullets could be dodged.
She decided at a young age that this was her life. And it wasn't fair. She was angry and bitter. Things weren't great at home and things weren't great at school. There wasn't a safe place anywhere. Except food. It didn't tease her, didn't make her feel bad. So began a long, downhill journey of self loathing and self medicating with food that finally culminated to a single moment when she looked in the mirror, 34 years of age, and decided she had had enough and it was time to change something.
Who knew that that something would change everything?
So five weeks ago, God led me down a different path. A better path. A path not only to improve my health, but also to improve me, the me that He created me to be before the dawn of time. So far the physical part hasn't been too bad. Granted, it is still hard, but doable.
It's the emotional part that's the killer.
It's the looking in the mirror part and still seeing fat Lori and wondering how that is beautiful.
It's the getting up in the morning part and being very aware of what makes me different from everyone else.
It's the hope that is trying to spring up through the hard packed soil of heartache.
It's the part that compares myself to others.
It's the part that wonders if a guy is ever going to want me for me.
It's the struggle. Daily. Hourly. Minutely. Secondly.
That's where the battle rages. Between knowing what God says about me and actually believing it. I let myself believe the lies for so long that they embedded deeply in my heart.
This is where I am right now. However, God loves me too much to leave me there. He tells me I am fearfully, wonderfully made. I am precious to Him. I am His daughter. And I am beautiful. And I have to repeat these truths over and over and over and over and over and over. Everyday, in the mirror, I have to look myself in the eye and say to myself, "Lori, you are precious, you are loved, and you are His. No one can take that from you because God said it, and He means it from the bottom of His heart. Believe it."
This is where my real battle will be waged. And to be perfectly honest, it is scary. Praise the Lord I built my house on the firm foundation of Jesus Christ. No matter how bad the storm is around me or how fierce the wind blows, I will not be moved or shaken or blown away. Why? Because I stand on the Solid Rock. Because He understands in those moments when I don't. And He isn't finished with me yet. See? He is doing something new! And I, for one, cannot wait to see what it is.
It's called hope and hope is what we crave.
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