The Bible study I am in transitioned from Tangible Kingdom (phenomenal study) to Crazy Love (another phenomenal study).
Crazy Love has been painful. Sharpening. It has broken my heart seventeen ways from Sunday and I am SO THANKFUL that I am a mess. I am a wreck because God is chipping off all of that junk and baggage that I have carried with me for so many years.
He has shown me love via other people. I can honestly say for the first time in the history of ever that I feel love. No, not the sappy, romantic kind of love. No, not that at all. It's a deep, constant love. A love I choose every single day to show to my family and my friends even though some days I don't want to.
I can genuinely say that there is a void as I think of those who have gone before me or those who are no longer a part of my life. Or even those now who I don't see all the time and feel that genuine longing to be around and to love through time and words.
I really feel loss. Fully and powerfully. To my very core I feel for the first time a deep, painful loss. The loss of my mom. The loss of relationships. The loss of what could have been for my family if things had been different.
It's a gut-wrenching, knees to the ground loss. Mourning. Grief. I couldn't put my finger on it before, but that is what it is.
So I bring that up to make this point. Even though these are raw emotions and tough to face, God is love. He is helping me to filter my life through His love. Loss...love. Joy...love. Struggle....love. Mourning...love. It's all love. His incredible, undeniable, unfathomable love for me. His child. His beloved. His precious one.
I am emotional. I feel emotions with power. I always have. When love came knocking and I willingly let it in, it overwhelmed me to the point of tears. I believe that His love has made me more sensitive to the struggles of those around me. It's made me protective of my friends. It's shown me great compassion and mercy for others and a heart that genuinely cares for where others are. It's given me freedom to stand up to those who come against me.
This breakthrough is transforming my life one day, one circumstance, one moment at a time. Finally walls fell down. Defenses all but disappeared and passion came. Passion and hunger for my Creator that was there before, but because of my pride, control, and selfishness kept me stuck in a complacent spot for a really long time.
I miss people. Genuinely and deeply. It could only be 24 hours without seeing a friend, but I feel it deep in my soul. I honestly miss that human connection. A deep human connection that can only be fostered and ushered in through the perfect love of my Savior.
He must feel the same way. When I occupy my time with other people or other things, I imagine that God misses me. Genuinely and deeply. He longs for my attention. He craves a relationship with me. He misses time with me. And God, I miss time with You, and I thank You for putting a renewed craving in my heart for You. An authentic longing to sit in Your presence, to give You my time, attention and heart and to help me to fall in love with You every single hour of every single day.
It's crazy, this love. It's good. Always.
So what's been happening with me lately? Love. That's what is happening.
"Deep calls to deep
in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
have swept over me.
in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
have swept over me.
By day the LORD directs his love,
at night his song is with me—
a prayer to the God of my life." Psalm 42:7-8
at night his song is with me—
a prayer to the God of my life." Psalm 42:7-8
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