As I was going through the lunch line at school today, the 4th grade girls asked me to sit with them. As I am responding to the girls I watch some 5th graders look at me and laugh. I pretty much already know what the joke is.
So I decide to sit with them and as the 5th graders file into their places, a bunch of them turn around, look at me, turn back around and start laughing with their friends. I felt like I was in high school all over again.
I realize that I am a big girl. I get that. And I am reminded daily. Every time I look in the mirror and see what stares back at me. I know this. I know it every time I walk into a restaurant with friends and see the looks people give me. I know it when I actually do get set up on a blind date and the guy finally sees me and makes up some lame excuse to get out of it. I see it everywhere. The judgment and ridicule that comes with being an obese American.
And I definitely feel it and hear it in the smirks and looks of a 5th grade class. They probably don't think before they start snickering or think that it may hurt my feelings. Well maybe it does. And maybe I get tired of it. Maybe I get tired of getting my feelings hurt or tired of constantly having my defenses up as someone says something vulgar and demeaning under their breath as I walk by in Wal-Mart. Sick of the looks I get from guys as their eyes tell me exactly why they are judging me.
Does it make them feel better to make me feel worse? Is that what this society is coming to? Put someone down because they aren't perfect, they aren't skinny, they don't dress a certain way, come from a certain family, or don't have a lot of money? Really?
God created me. In His image. And I beautiful. I am strong. I am smart. I am emotional. I am loved so that I can love. That last one is hard when people don't love you back because of how you look.
There are so many things I could say, but won't because I am still pretty angry and upset. I would just make a fool of myself and they would win. But thank goodness I have a Savior who defeated all of that and will stand victorious forever over the insults and comments and hurtful things that happen.
Ok, I think I am done for now.
1 comment:
The scenario you described in the lunch room sounds like one of my worst nightmares. I would never EVER want to be back in school again to suffer the judgement and ridicule. School is a very harsh place but I guess so is Walmart :) I always think how different it would be if I went back to school now, thinking that because I've grown more secure and mature over the years it would be different. But whenever we see or talk to someone from high school I feel the EXACT same way I did back then.
There's nothing I can say that you haven't already told yourself. I know that there is a huge difference between what you know and what you feel. If I may add one more thing that you already know but probably aren't feeling right now.....The people in your life that really matter will see your joyful Christ filled heart when they look at you and God has a very special purpose for you being exactly the way you are. He doesn't make mistakes. Maybe those 5th grade girls need a lesson on that topic.
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