"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone;
my hope comes from Him;
He alone is my rock and my salvation;
He is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
My salvation and my honor depend on God,
He is my mighty rock, my refuge."
-Psalm 62: 5-7 (NIV)
Maybe no one will read this. That's okay because I think I just need to remind myself of this stuff.
I think I forget how desperately I need God on a daily basis. I think in the hustle and bustle of going here, going there, doing this and doing that, I tend to put God on the back burner. This research paper needs to get done or that book needs to be read or I need to grade all of these papers. So, where in my busy schedule did I make God a priority?
I didn't. I haven't. I don't.
Honest moment. I cannot tell you the last time I did devotions. Or read my Bible. Or prayed. There is no excuse for it. I think I have excuses. Sometimes I even think they are good ones. I deceive myself into believing that other things in my life are more important. I buy into the lie that busyness is somehow fulfilling, that I need to fill each second with stuff and things. It's exhausting. It leaves me weary and empty. It leaves me vulnerable and open to bad ideas disguised as good intentions. It leaves my heart mangled and bloody from a war that I was not prepared to fight in and shouldn't have fought in the first place. It breaks down my defenses and lies to my heart about my value. It leaves me isolated, alone, and lonely, leading me to believe that that is all that I am worth.
It leaves me wandering in a dry and thirsty land with little relief.
My soul seeks intimacy with God. I long to be known by the One who created me. It's not just a longing...it is a fierce craving that only spending time in the presence of my Savior can satisfy. I think we all know that feeling, whether we acknowledge it or not. You know that hole you try to fill with relationships, money, possessions, food? That hole that feels full for a little while but is empty again a short time afterward? Yeah, that hole. Do you want to know why it feels empty? Do I want to know why it feels empty?
God. He is the only one who can fill that empty place in my life that I keep temporarily trying to satisfy with stuff and things and people. He is the ONLY ONE who can overtake that emptiness, shine a light in the darkness, breathe life back into a soul that is barely holding on in the desert. He is the only One who has already defeated the enemy of my soul and saved me to be His masterpiece, holy and redeemed. He brings the chaos into order and sets my feet on the path out of the wilderness.
I can't do ANY of this on my own. Any accomplishments I make mean absolutely nothing if God is not the central focus of them. No amount of good grades or praises or accolades mean anything if God isn't the one receiving the glory first and foremost. He has to be the foundation beneath every purpose, every plan, every action, every relationship. It has to be God. It has to be. No one else will do, no other thing will do. It is God and God alone. Sola Scriptura. Sola Fide. Sola Gratia. Solus Christus. Soli Deo Gloria.
I can do better. That's an understatement. I can do immeasurably better than I have been doing. "O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek You; my soul thirsts for You, my body longs for You, in a dry and weary land where there is no water" (Psalm 63:1). I acknowledge that I am in desperate need of my Savior. We all are. Lord, hear our prayer.
09 October 2018
06 October 2018
Let That Be Enough
It's been a hot second since I updated everyone, so here I am. Welcome to an update blog.
Where do I even start? It feels like so much has happened recently. Within the last week alone, two people that I know have left this earth and gone home to Jesus. I had a birthday (my 40th). There was a death on campus. EVERYONE is getting sick, including myself. It snowed. I mean, what? Yeah. It happened.
What a weird week. I'm glad it's over.
I'm finding that I really enjoy teaching. I still get really nervous being in front of a class of kids, but now that I have gotten to know them, it's not as scary. We have good discussions and they seem engaged. I'll be getting back their third essays this week and assigning the first of two research papers in a little over two weeks. I feel like I am constantly lesson planning, grading, basically just trying to keep my head above water. I'm also being observed this Wednesday, so there is extra pressure to make sure everything is top notch.
My actual grad classes are good. There is one that I kind of loathe, one that I really love, and one that I am indifferent towards. Sometimes I feel stupid when the professors open up certain books or topics for discussion. I am not well read in Plato and Aristotle, but everyone seems to keep referring to them with EVERY SINGLE DISCUSSION in class whether it pertains to what we are talking about or not. I frankly do not care to be that well acquainted with either one. I made the comment that I didn't care for William Faulkner's work and was almost run out of town. "How can you NOT like Faulkner! You are an English grad student!" Surprise, surprise fellow Lit. majors...I don't care for William Faulkner. And while we are at it, I don't sit and talk philosophy over lunch with my fellow graduate students. I would rather talk about something else, thank you very much.
Not everyone is like that, but I definitely feel like the odd duck out. In my Seminar in American Lit class (the one I love), we are studying southern literature. There are a lot of references to God and faith. I very quickly caught on that I am in the minority in my Christian beliefs. That is fine. I can hold my own. It just makes a somewhat lonely experience a little more isolating. Where I have knowledge of the Bible, everyone else seems to have knowledge of Socrates. No one is rude about it. We are in Minnesota after all. That Minnesota nice thing is a thing. It just makes me feel inferior to all of those people who apparently have been studying all of this other stuff for years and I am sitting here with barely a clue sometimes as to what they are talking about. Grad students, it is possible to formulate a sentence without throwing in some philosophical catchphrase or concept. Oh well. It is what it is. The homework hasn't been bad so far. It's just time-consuming and something I have to juggle with all of my G.A. duties.
In summary, all of that leaves little time for anything else. All of the Bible studies I want to attend are either during times when I am teaching or times when I have class. I really enjoy Sunday mornings, though. The sermons are solidly grounded in the Bible, and people seem pretty friendly. No complaints there. I'm finding I need that teaching more and more as having to stand my ground at school gets to be exhausting. It's becoming more important as the semester wears on.
But all of this stuff is not really what I wanted to talk about in this post. This week, friends. This week has been emotionally draining. It's crazy to think that someone could be alive one minute and gone the next. Three deaths this week. Three. Two I knew and one I didn't, but it doesn't make it any less tragic or sad. And honestly, I shouldn't be surprised when things like this happen. I have been to more funerals in my life than weddings. This is an inevitability of life. It comes to an end. However, for the two that I knew, eternity was waiting for them. A proud Father, pleased with His children, welcomed them home with open arms. "Well done, good and faithful servants." They are assuredly dancing on those golden streets in the presence of their Savior, whole and healed.
When events like this happen, it really makes me take stock of my own life. Do the people I care about know that I love them? Am I treating others around me with the compassion and courtesy that they deserve? Am I being God's hands and feet in a dry and weary land? Have I been faithful to the will and purpose that God has set for me? Have I been a good friend? A good sister? A good daughter? I certainly hope that I have. I know Bonnie was. She was the most selfless person I have ever known. There was never a moment I could remember where she put her own needs before others. She was constantly a witness for God's kingdom. She was a tireless worker during the harvest, and there wasn't one of God's children that Bonnie didn't love unconditionally. She was a rock star in her life and in her faith. If I could be like one person, I would want to be like her. I find that I am honored that the day she went home to be with Jesus was the day of my birthday. Although I will miss her dearly here on Earth, I will rejoice and celebrate her homegoing every year on the 3rd of October. Bonnie is definitely someone who deserves to be celebrated.
It's been a wild ride this week, my friends. It's a ride, however, that I am glad to be on. Lord, make me a torchbearer for Your kingdom and a vessel for Your love to pour out through. At the end of the day, let me lay it all on the table knowing I did what You asked me to do. At the end of the day, may Your love sustain and strengthen me. Let that be enough. Amen.
Where do I even start? It feels like so much has happened recently. Within the last week alone, two people that I know have left this earth and gone home to Jesus. I had a birthday (my 40th). There was a death on campus. EVERYONE is getting sick, including myself. It snowed. I mean, what? Yeah. It happened.
What a weird week. I'm glad it's over.
I'm finding that I really enjoy teaching. I still get really nervous being in front of a class of kids, but now that I have gotten to know them, it's not as scary. We have good discussions and they seem engaged. I'll be getting back their third essays this week and assigning the first of two research papers in a little over two weeks. I feel like I am constantly lesson planning, grading, basically just trying to keep my head above water. I'm also being observed this Wednesday, so there is extra pressure to make sure everything is top notch.
My actual grad classes are good. There is one that I kind of loathe, one that I really love, and one that I am indifferent towards. Sometimes I feel stupid when the professors open up certain books or topics for discussion. I am not well read in Plato and Aristotle, but everyone seems to keep referring to them with EVERY SINGLE DISCUSSION in class whether it pertains to what we are talking about or not. I frankly do not care to be that well acquainted with either one. I made the comment that I didn't care for William Faulkner's work and was almost run out of town. "How can you NOT like Faulkner! You are an English grad student!" Surprise, surprise fellow Lit. majors...I don't care for William Faulkner. And while we are at it, I don't sit and talk philosophy over lunch with my fellow graduate students. I would rather talk about something else, thank you very much.
Not everyone is like that, but I definitely feel like the odd duck out. In my Seminar in American Lit class (the one I love), we are studying southern literature. There are a lot of references to God and faith. I very quickly caught on that I am in the minority in my Christian beliefs. That is fine. I can hold my own. It just makes a somewhat lonely experience a little more isolating. Where I have knowledge of the Bible, everyone else seems to have knowledge of Socrates. No one is rude about it. We are in Minnesota after all. That Minnesota nice thing is a thing. It just makes me feel inferior to all of those people who apparently have been studying all of this other stuff for years and I am sitting here with barely a clue sometimes as to what they are talking about. Grad students, it is possible to formulate a sentence without throwing in some philosophical catchphrase or concept. Oh well. It is what it is. The homework hasn't been bad so far. It's just time-consuming and something I have to juggle with all of my G.A. duties.
In summary, all of that leaves little time for anything else. All of the Bible studies I want to attend are either during times when I am teaching or times when I have class. I really enjoy Sunday mornings, though. The sermons are solidly grounded in the Bible, and people seem pretty friendly. No complaints there. I'm finding I need that teaching more and more as having to stand my ground at school gets to be exhausting. It's becoming more important as the semester wears on.
But all of this stuff is not really what I wanted to talk about in this post. This week, friends. This week has been emotionally draining. It's crazy to think that someone could be alive one minute and gone the next. Three deaths this week. Three. Two I knew and one I didn't, but it doesn't make it any less tragic or sad. And honestly, I shouldn't be surprised when things like this happen. I have been to more funerals in my life than weddings. This is an inevitability of life. It comes to an end. However, for the two that I knew, eternity was waiting for them. A proud Father, pleased with His children, welcomed them home with open arms. "Well done, good and faithful servants." They are assuredly dancing on those golden streets in the presence of their Savior, whole and healed.
When events like this happen, it really makes me take stock of my own life. Do the people I care about know that I love them? Am I treating others around me with the compassion and courtesy that they deserve? Am I being God's hands and feet in a dry and weary land? Have I been faithful to the will and purpose that God has set for me? Have I been a good friend? A good sister? A good daughter? I certainly hope that I have. I know Bonnie was. She was the most selfless person I have ever known. There was never a moment I could remember where she put her own needs before others. She was constantly a witness for God's kingdom. She was a tireless worker during the harvest, and there wasn't one of God's children that Bonnie didn't love unconditionally. She was a rock star in her life and in her faith. If I could be like one person, I would want to be like her. I find that I am honored that the day she went home to be with Jesus was the day of my birthday. Although I will miss her dearly here on Earth, I will rejoice and celebrate her homegoing every year on the 3rd of October. Bonnie is definitely someone who deserves to be celebrated.
It's been a wild ride this week, my friends. It's a ride, however, that I am glad to be on. Lord, make me a torchbearer for Your kingdom and a vessel for Your love to pour out through. At the end of the day, let me lay it all on the table knowing I did what You asked me to do. At the end of the day, may Your love sustain and strengthen me. Let that be enough. Amen.
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