Good morning, friends. I have LOTS rattling around in my head this morning, so I am just going to dig in and start. It is honest and blunt so hold on.
For the past two months, I have been completely immersed at Northwoods Camp. Little to no contact with the outside world, hanging out and creating a community with camp staff and speaking life into the lives of campers who desperately needed a collision with the Holy Spirit.
Two months. Whoa.
To say that I am having camp withdrawals is an understatement. It would be more realistic at this point to say that I would trade the comfort of my own home to be back even for one more moment with those people. But then again, I am torn on that as well. Because of situations and circumstances that happened in the last week, I am fairly certain that some of them never want to see me again. I don't blame them. I wanted to crawl under a rock and die and it was probably the worst week of camp for me. I hurt people. For that I am sincerely and truly sorry. And that moment of realizing that people hated me on camp was the catalyst for me to want to come home. But now that I am here, I miss them all. Even the ones that hate me. I would pray, at this point, that it would be let go of. That it happened in the past, that it can be forgiven, and that we can all move on and remain friends. That's the prayer and hope. And I know God has heard me cry that out several times in the past week. He calls me to let it go and to quit carrying around the guilt and shame of it all, and so I am. And with that, I am done with it.
Camp was amazing this summer. It was, quite literally, the best summer at camp for me. I enjoyed it fully and completely. I loved every moment, every conversation, every road trip in the battle wagon, every dumb thing that made us laugh until we cried, every campfire that brought our campers to the point of decision in their own lives of whether or not they were going to say yes to God. Every single moment. A beautiful mosaic of memories that I will carry with me for the rest of my life. I have the pictures to prove it, although those bring little to no comfort at this point. They are just a constant reminder now to something so wonderful that had to come to an end.
Everything has an end. It's how you deal with the new beginning after that that matters.
For me, I come back home to a new position at school. Full time librarian at Central Minnesota Christian School. For others, they are just embarking on a brand new chapter called college. For some, they are contemplating life after college, or starting at a new high school in a new town and wondering what life looks like after that. And for some, it's going back to life and trying to figure out how this whole camp experience changed them and how they now fit back into the life they left to come to camp. So many different people in so many different places in their lives. My favorite part, though, was really being able to talk about God with them. To really dig into their lives and seeing where they struggled. To hurt with them as they hurt. To cry with them as they cried. To laugh with them, be joyful with them, and to be serious with them. To be a family in the truest sense.
So now what? When does the withdrawal stop? When do I stop missing these people who came into my life as strangers and became family to me? When do I start to feel happy and excited about being home? When do I stop longing to step out of my door, walk to Spruce, and sit there enjoying the atmosphere of friends around me?
Hopefully it starts to subside sooner than later. This may drive me crazy if it doesn't.
I was also told about five times this summer that I should be a pastor/youth pastor. The invitation to join the Salvation Army is always there as well. I'm not going to lie, it was strong this summer and it left me more confused than ever as camp started winding down. I love what I do at school, don't get me wrong. I love it. It is part of my personality that just really thrives in this environment. I love the interaction I have with the kids, I love books, I love reading and I love instilling a love for reading in these kids. I don't work at school for the money. To me, it is a ministry that I have the honor of being a part of. I get to see these kids grow up and struggle through these tough questions of faith and rejoice with them when they finally get it.
However, at camp this summer I felt like it wasn't just a part of me that thrived. It was all of me. Engaged and completely immersed. Completely sold out to what Jesus was doing through me. Completely. To some people who I discussed this with this summer, it was exciting to them. To me, it is terrifying. I don't know what God is doing with me. I don't know if He is changing my plan and purpose. I don't know what is going on and I came home more confused than ever. I did last summer, too, but it wasn't nearly this bad. I know I am supposed to be here. He confirmed that to me when I excitedly signed my contract for this year. If there would have been any hesitation or doubt, I wouldn't have signed it. And it is still exciting to me and I am thrilled for the opportunity to be a full time librarian for these precious children.
Sometimes, though, I wonder if I missed the mark. If I shouldn't have been so dismissive about the idea of youth pastoring, because this summer is not the first time it has been brought up. It has been presented to me since I graduated high school a gazillion years ago. It's always been there, I just never thought I was equipped for it or good enough to do it. And now add the Salvation Army into that. I was sitting at lunch one day talking to a camper who asked me if I was a member of the Salvation Army. I said no and said I probably never would be. My friend Macy overheard and said, "never say never because God will use that and you may end up being part of it". She was right. Never say never to God.
Which also puts me in another awkward position. I love my church and my church family. My pastor is awesome and I love that every week I learn from a Bible believing, Bible teaching pastor. It fills my soul. But so did my experience with church this summer. And even though I am not a Salvationist, I feel like every single time I come back to camp, I am coming back to an extended family that welcomes me with open arms. They even know my name, even Captains and Majors I only see during a two month period over the summer. They ask me how I'm doing. How my year has been. We sit and have conversations, sometimes lengthy ones. I love it. I thrive on conversation and social interaction. It's not a shock that I am a fairly social person. Extrovert in the truest sense of the word. So having this place I get to go to for the summer to see staff that I either already know or have the joy of getting to know and seeing kids return for the fourth year in a row is like going home for me.
And maybe that has been God's plan the whole time. Maybe four years ago when Aubrey asked me if I wanted a summer job and I said yes to camp counseling was when the ball started rolling. Maybe it took me all of four years to realize it, and maybe it's not quite the right time yet, but I feel He may be moving me. I don't know where or when or how, but for now I just have to sit tight till He gives me the green light to go. It's scary. I don't even want to think about what that looks like right now. My mind and heart are still with the kids of Central. My mind has to wrap itself around this library project that needs to get done before the school year begins in September. I need me to be fully here like I was at camp. God will provide that as He has provided every step of the way. And when He is ready to move me, He will. He will open up a position for me somewhere that I can minister to these kids that I have come to love over these four summers and move me on in some direction or another. He will because He can. I just have to say yes to Him.
In the meantime, I am not finished here. I still have an amazing opportunity to speak life to these kids here. One of the seventh graders has stopped by my house twice now since I have been home to just talk. I have missed that. I realized how much I missed being here when she came over. I love that the kids of this community feel comfortable enough to stop by my house on a random summer day to catch up on life. God is working, friends. Both here and there. It's a beautiful thing.
But I don't want to lose touch with those from this summer. I don't want to lose contact with this incredible family that I have come to care for. But I fear that we are all back in our own lives, so it will be easy to let go and forget. Until, of course, a Macklemore song comes on and I am immediately thrown back into a hundred different memories that make my heart ache and long for another moment with them all.
What a vicious cycle. But in God's will there is a time for all things and a season for all things under Heaven. And this was a pretty fantastic season. The recovery time may take a bit longer, but it will come around. It always does. And I have been told that if I don't return next summer that the campers are going to stalk me down, kidnap me, and bring me back to camp.
So there it is. Confusion and laughter and joy and sadness all in one package called Lori. God, be my strength and comfort during this season. Hold my heart in Your hands and help me to navigate these waters no matter how rough they may get. I trust Your will for my life and I am Yours.
Amen.
Kids, this is for you. :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zLtHJ-grcEw
