I Surrender...Some? No. All.

I find I come here a lot and write when I am confused on things and can't seem to get stuff out of my head until I write it down.  I guess that is the case tonight.

I am 34-years old.  I know, hard to believe.  It's hard for me to believe sometimes.  It's hard to believe that I have been on this planet for 34 years and have really just started finding my passions and dreams within the last five years.  Crazy.

I have also been single for all of those years.  I am trying not to hate it.  Most days I can be really content, most days I can really be at peace about it, but lately I have really been struggling in trying to be content and peaceful in what seems like an extremely, unnecessarily long, extended time of singleness.

It's hard, especially in a society that makes you feel like a leper or social outcast because you are single.

Why is it such a bad thing? Singleness does not equal death.

There are days, though, when it is harder to believe in an ultimate plan.  There are days when being by myself is harder.  There are days when I desire to have that person to come home to at night.  To hold me and make me feel safe. Someone to start a family with and have a future with.

I am in my 30's, and I feel sometimes like the clock is slowly ticking away and I am getting left further and further behind while it seems it is so easy for everyone else to just jump start a relationship.

But do I really want that, either? To be in a relationship just for the sake of being in one?  No.  I don't want to be in a relationship just because I am lonely.  I want to be prepared and ready for the man that God has for me.  Sometimes, though, if I were truly honest about what I feel, I would say that it feels like I kind of got forgotten.  I know God didn't forget me.  I know that.  But sometimes I just have to wonder if I am barking up the wrong tree.  If I was never intended to be married.  Never intended to be in a relationship. Never intended to fall into a forever love.  Knowing these things would have saved a lot of heartache, both past and present.  Believe me, this thought crosses my mind and a lot more lately.  Questions from my family do not help, either.

Thinking that I am intended to be single for the rest of my life breaks my heart.  It makes me cry.  A lot.  Everyone wants to be loved. Everyone. I am no exception.  I feel like this "season" of singleness has become an epic couple of decades of singleness and that this is just my lot in life.  Perhaps I just need to accept it and move on with my life.

If it was suppose to work out with someone, it would have.  If he was interested, he would have talked to me by now.  If, if, if, if, if.

I need to stop the if's.

And I need to let God have this.

And I know I am not the only one who struggles up against this.

Can I be brave enough to face a future without marriage?  Without a family of my own?  Without a husband and without knowing what it is to love someone as a wife loves a husband?

Argh.  In my own strength, no.  And that is definitely not the desire of my heart.

But, if God asks me to be single for the rest of my life, how do I refuse the God of the universe?  He knows what's best for me. How can I say no to Him?

Sorry, I am just processing this all out as I start to really pray through some of this.  If God's will is for me to be single for the rest of my life, then I have to accept that.  I may mourn a life I never was able to have, but serving Him is such a higher calling that I can be content just knowing and abiding in Him.  Right?

Right.  Maybe it won't be easy right away, but it will come.  His peace will come.  His joy will fill in the gaps.  His hope will rise through it all. His comfort will overtake the feeling of loss.  The feelings of rejection and hopelessness that come with this particular area of my life.  He redeems and He will redeem this.

I know my heart will be fine.  God has His hands around it right now.  And who knows, maybe He will bless me with a special someone in my life.  Honestly, I feel somewhat skeptical of this but He knows what He is doing.

This is me being honest.  And this is me struggling through it.  There is beauty in the struggle, but this is one struggle that I really don't want to go through.  Giving up hopes and dreams of having my own family someday is hard.  God knows it.  I have a great High Priest who can empathize with this.

And even as I type this, tears in my eyes, He is drawing my heart to His.

God, have Your way, whatever way that may be.  I am ready.  Shaky, but ready.  I surrender this and I am done fighting it.  It's Yours.    

The Things That Break My Heart

I guess I never really thought I would be rejected for my faith.  I guess I never thought that it would come at the hands of a family member, let alone my own brother.

I suppose starting from the beginning would be good.

A few days ago, one of my brother's decided to delete me from Facebook.  I decided to question it, so I messaged him and asked why.

He proceeded to tell me that I now worked for the dark side and that me being involved in young adult ministry was me working for satan.  I tried to understand where he was coming from, and asked a few more questions that yielded nothing but more confusion and at the end of the conversation he told me to have a nice life and to go away.  I tried to get him to explain to me what I had done, but I never received a response.

I called my dad and read him the entire Facebook conversation we had.  My dad reassured me as I cried like a baby over the phone that I needed to pray for him.  My dad told me that I was strong in my faith and to keep pressing on no matter what had been spoken against me (my dad is wise).

So I sit here still replaying this whole conversation in my head, brokenhearted.  My brother rejected me and disowned me.  According to him, I am no longer his sister but the enemy.

My heart breaks because he is my brother.  He is my family.  I still care about him and love him.  He, however, does not share that sentiment.

It amazes me how family can turn on itself.  I shouldn't really be surprised by it, though.  We do live in a sinful, fallen world.  We are human.  We are given the choice to either follow Christ or not to follow Christ.  I think that the comment that hurt the most was the following:

"jesus does not work for satan. But you do. Take that brain you have research who funds the groups that you drink kool aid with and get back to me or not."

I just don't even know what to say to that.  I have never been told that before and I couldn't believe it was coming from my brother.  My brother.  

My God is greater than the things that are spoken against me.  God is greater than anything spoken against anyone.  He assures me that He is here with me, and what has been intended to harm me will ultimately bring God honor and glory.

ALL THINGS FOR OUR GOOD.

 “I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” -John 16:33

Jesus has overcome this sinful, fallen world.  He sacrificed everything....for me.  For you.  For my brother.  He loves each of us.  He loves my brother SO MUCH and so do I.  So I will continue to pray for him.  For God to take hold of his heart and show him that love, that sacrifice, and the life that he can have living for Christ.

My mind is still a little scattered, and my heart is still wounded.  It may take a little time to heal it, but I believe in my Redeemer.   The great Reconciler.  I believe that He can do anything.  I lay my broken heart in His hands tonight and pray from some sort of restoration to begin.

If you feel led, I could use your prayers.  Not for me, but for my brother.  He really needs it right now.

Thanks.