Hope Might Mean Enduring Through The Night......

I had to let go of a friendship this week.  ....sigh....

Not going to lie, this sucks.  The days since have been painful.  My heart is broken.  I cry at the drop of a hat.  It literally feels like someone died even though no one did.  The only thing that "died" was the friendship, which alone is painful enough.  I definitely feel like I am in mourning.

The real tragedy is that I caused most of it. 

Sometimes in life you face these moments.  You face the moment when you have to decide for the good of salvaging what little connection there still is that it is more humane and more loving to walk away and let Him take it.  It doesn't come without cost.  Feelings get hurt.  A bond is broken.  Tears are shed.

It's not all bad, though.  There is some sense of relief.  A sense of release from an impossible and difficult situation that only God can heal.  I believe 100% that He can heal it.

It also feels like a huge weight is lifted off of my shoulders. I don't have to pretend anymore.  I can be honest about how I feel, even though these first few days since have been awkward and uncomfortable.  I can actually see the future now when I couldn't before.  I can see this incredible life that has been waiting for me to live.  I feel my Father beckoning me forward, through the debris pile of this relationship and into a plan and purpose that is so much better.  So much better, in fact, that it seems silly to dwell in the debris field for too long.  It would be a waste of time.

Do I miss my friend?  Of course I do.  Every day.  Even though the lines of communication are still open, I find I have nothing to really say.  I feel like it all has been said and that it wouldn't matter anyway.  It isn't going to change what it is right now.  Only He can change it.  Only He can heal the hurt feelings, the distrust, the sadness of letting someone go.  Only He can restore joy, bring peace, and bring back the smiles and laughter.

He can do all these things and considerably more.

And I know that He will hold me.  Comfort me.  Comfort my friend.  Bring closure and maybe even restoration.

This song is pretty awesome.  It's called "Something to Say" by Starfield.  You should listen to it and listen to the words. 

This song speaks to my heart, and I didn't really listen to the words until recently.  "And faith might mean there won't be answers.  And hope might mean enduring through the night.  Help me not forget in darkness the things that I believed in light."

Lord, I thank You for this day.  The desire of my heart is to see my friend happy.  I desire to know You and Your plan for my life.  I pray that You will hold my heart and my friend's heart.  That there will be peace and that any hurt and anger can be replaced with joy and gentleness.

I won't fight Your hands that are holding me.  I won't fight You anymore. This life has always been Yours and I praise You for Your perfect plan.  Thank You, Jesus, for saving a wretch like me.  I don't deserve it but I am ever so grateful for it.  This situation is Yours.  I can't wait to see the beauty that comes from it.

Amen.

Summer Surrender

This summer I am heading back to camp.  I am really excited about it!  I get to play super sitter to a couple of pretty great kids.  I will have the chance to reconnect with some people from last year and perhaps some bridges can be mended.

I also will be vacating my life in Prinsburg for a summer.  It will be a good thing.

I can't tell you how busy I have been lately and how messed up some of my relationships are right now.  It has been insane.  Life is kind of complicated, but it is good.  Funny, right?  I know.  It doesn't make sense.  However, to a God who loves me more than anyone else ever will, it makes perfect sense.  His hand is all over this and this weekend gave me some good time to think and pray.  He gave me some much needed quality time with my family (which I desperately needed) and a break from the usual routine.

What a blessing His presence is.  What a blessing isolation can be when utilized properly.

No matter how dark Friday may seem, just remember that Sunday is coming!

Last summer, I really held on to Hebrews 12:1-3.  These verses were a great reminder to me that no matter how crappy things were, how dark things seemed, or how weary I felt that I should not lose heart.  That I should run this race with perseverance, keeping my eyes constantly fixed on Jesus.  That a great cloud of witnesses is cheering me on and that Jesus is right there with me.  These verses also remind me of His sacrifice for me and that I tend to take this beautiful life that He has blessed me with for granted too often.  These "obstacles", even though difficult and hard to hurdle over sometimes, are getting me in spiritual shape.

He's my training partner.  Actually, He is more the coach and I just go with it. :)

I surrender, Lord, as I have so many times before, to Your will.  You know what is best for me.  You know the people in my life that You want there.  You give me courage.  I will run my heart out until I get to the end of this race and the ultimate prize. You.

Summer, here I come!  I am ready!  

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." -Hebrews 12:1-3 (NIV)